Not so Fast! The Project Runway recap

My dad used to tell me a joke about an army commander who didn’t know how to break the news that one of his soldier’s mother had died. So he lined up the squad and said, “Everyone with a mother step forward. Not so fast, Jones.”

I mention this because that’s sort of how it was for Mila and Jay, right?

“Congratulations,” said Heidi. “You’ve made it to Bryant Park!” (Not so fast, Mila and Jay.)

“Let’s toast to. . . Bryant Park!” said Tim. (Not so fast, Mila and Jay.)

And here’s your huge personal work station! (Not so fast, Mila and Jay.)

Made for some awkward moments.

Anyway, it was “Tim out of water” week—always a treat. Seasons past, we’ve seen Tim on the beach, on the back of a bicycle built for two, on a blanket at a backyard BBQ as grimy children climbed all over him. What could be next for our dapper hero?

First stop, Vancouver, WA to meet up with Seth Aaron and his cute family.

Do you ever have one of those nightmares where you’ve just about finished the thesis or the big project and you find out that you did everything wrong? Maybe you read the wrong book or you accidentally wrote the whole thing in invisible ink or you lost all your notes?

Well, Seth Aaron lived that nightmare. The man had a studio filled with clothing—he had obviously been mainlining Red Bull for weeks—and Tim said something to the effect of: “This is all very lovely. Now start again.”

You could see for a second that Seth Aaron was thinking, “Dude, you’re messing with me.”

But Tim Gunn is no dude. And he does not mess.

Tim’s reasoning was this: What Seth Aaron had was a room filled with Seth Aaron clothing (Sgt. Pepper jackets for all). Which is fine and lovely, but isn’t going to win Project Runway.

“I only challenge you because I know you can do this,” said Tim, kindly, as Seth Aaron attempted to pick his jaw up from the floor.

Seth Aaron managed to recover enough to take Tim back to the house and show off his family and share a hilarious slide show of his unfortunate hair choices through the years.

And. . .trampoline! Yup, Seth Aaron can now proudly say that he has contributed to the great tradition of Tim's "Where's Gunn?" moments, as he arranged for Tim—suit legs rolled up, shoes off—to hop up and down on a backyard trampoline. Of course, Tim fell over.

Next stop, Emilio in New York City, where we meet Emilio’s two big brothers, who have been given explicit instructions (by Emilio) to talk about how awesome their kid brother is.

Emilio takes Tim back to his studio to see his progress and— how did I not pick up on this before?—it finally occurs to me that Tim absolutely hates Emilio.

I mean, it was there the whole time, plain as the zippers on Seth Aaron’s soon-to-be-incinerated jackets.

Tim never has a kind word to say about Emilio’s clothing, never seems enthused when Emilio wins. Can barely make eye contact with the guy.

Emilio started by confidently showing off his collection and, I must say, it was brutal.

“This is my new color obsession,” said Emilio, holding up several garments in a truly offensive shade. “What would you call it?”

I dunno. . .

Ugly?

Vomitatious?

Pea soup that’s been sitting in the sun too long?

“There’s a lack of sophistication here,” said Tim, unkindly. “And it looks kind of. . old.”

So Emilio got defensive and Tim kept trying to explain and Emilio kept cutting him off and it was. . .well, tense.

Next, Tim is off to L.A. to meet Mila, where she predictably lives in an impeccable world of black-and-white and color blocking and gentility.

Yes, she has a (damn cute) Dalmatian named Ziggy and her parents are lovely and her boyfriend is just kind of there, allowing Mila to be the sun and stars in her own perfectly ordered universe.

Tim mostly dug her collection but was worried that some of her pieces seemed a bit matronly.

This concerned Mila, because she mostly just wants to beat Jay.

“I don’t want to lose that that little . . .”—and here Lifetime cut off the word, but we can only assume she said “pygmy.”

Finally to San Francisco to meet Jay and his lookalike mom. (Slap a faux-hawk and a cheekily low-cut tee on that woman and she could BE Jay.)

Again, Tim liked some of what he saw, but felt that Jay overworked his collection. In particular, he held up this bizarre, shredded sleeve concept that Jay was working on and said: “Qu'est que ce?”

“Don’t worry Tim,” said Jay. “I have the ball. . .on my side.”

(Luckily, Jay won’t be displaying a collection of popular idioms at Bryant Park. )

Back in New York, Mila and Jay are the first to arrive at the suite. Of course.

They are forced to have a conversation with each other, which Jay finds intense.

“I’m really not such a bad guy,” says Mila.

Okay, it’s not exactly warm and fuzzy, but it’s kind of a détente and Mila even says that she found it cathartic.

Emilio and Seth Aaron come in and then Tim Gunn shows up and hug everyone heartily, except for Emilio (it was there the whole time, people! the whole time!), to whom he gives a wan hand squeeze.

To the studio they go, where Jay and Mila must suffer the indignity of sharing the aforementioned workspace and Tim breaks the news that they’ll have a mere 3 hours to show off their 3 best looks.

Brandise, Mila’s model, arrives with a new severe bob and her transformation is complete. She now looks more like Mila and Maya than Mila and Maya do.

So the 6 looks go down the runway and both have done well, sticking to their normal styles but turning up the volume.

The judges are impressed.

“So who should go to Bryant Park?” asks Heidi.

“Jay,” says Michael Kors, definitively.

“Mila,” says Heidi, definitively.

It’s time for Nina to break the tie.

“I don’t know!” says Nina, twirling her hair coquettishly. “It’s just so hard.” This is a side of Nina we’ve never seen before. I don’t think I like it.

So Nina’s clearly going to be of no use whatsoever and, as they went to the commercial, I thought: We’re about to find out who wields more power on this show: Heidi or Michael.

I was praying for Heidi.

“Mila. . .congratulations, you’re going to Bryant Park.” (For reals, this time.)

Yay! Heidi is all-powerful!

Mila gets to go. She gets to drink the whole glass of champagne and use the entire work station! And Jay is still proud and still thinks he has the ball on his side!

I must say, I’m very excited for next week because, with the exception of what we’ve seen from Mila, we have no idea what’s coming down that runway. Seth Aaron was pretty much forced to start anew, and Emilio admitted that his collection had changed radically since he was featuring the color so ugly it had no name.

It’s anyone’s game, people! Can’t wait!

Step Right In It! The Project Runway recap

Something truly terrifying came down the runway last night, something so disturbing, so horrifying, so unprecedented in its sheer awfulness, that both Michael Kors and Heidi Klum had to leap from their seats and touch it just to make sure that it was real.

I am referring, of course, to polyester. And since it was Anthony who used the dreaded fabric, it wasn’t looking good for him.

And to think, the show started off on such a high note—with a trip to the circus!

Yes, Ringling Bros. did a special performance just for the contestants. If you ask me, it’s always uncomfortable when there are more people on stage than there are in the audience—you have to make a big show of applauding and laughing and no one knows where to look (except, of course, for Jay, who focused on the hot, shirtless men). (A side note: Were there always hot shirtless men in the circus? When did this start and why didn’t I get the memo?)

The challenge: Design a look inspired by the circus without making it too costumey. (And let me just say this now: On the “don’t make it too costumey” front, the designers didn’t exactly excel.)

Off to Mood, where Swatch, the Mood dog, wondered why all these polka dots and stripes were whizzing by.

“Taste level, people!” he barked.

Back at the studio, Emilio is having a running commentary on his own awesomeness. Which, I assume is just him saying out loud what he is always thinking inside.

Tim came in to check on everyone’s work.

“How is everyone?” he asked.

And for the second time this season, the designers gave no response.

Staggered by this rudeness, Tim regroups and tries to help everyone save face: “Well, I’m just going to walk around and talk to you individually” he says, always one to smooth over an awkward social situation.

In what would later lead to one of the cutest moments of the season, Tim told Anthony to trust his own “viscera” and not foray into “contrivances.”

“I thought I needed a pattern book, but what I needed was a dictionary!” quipped Anthony. (FYI: That was not the cute moment I was referring to.)

Tim felt Emilio’s dress needed color. AwesomeEmilio disagreed.

“I got this, Tim,” said AwesomeEmilio. (Later, he would add more color to the dress.)

So turns out, Mila and Jay really do hate each other, even though it’s hard to imagine Jay mustering up the energy to dislike someone, let alone hate them. 

Mila goes on about how Jay doesn’t have the textile knowledge to show at Bryant Park and Jay says that he thinks Mila is incapable of putting on a dramatic show.

“I only say this because I dislike her as a person,” he says, as if this somehow justifies everything.

On the runway, Michael Kors is more obsessed with penises than usual.

“It looks like a big blue condom,” he says of Anthony’s polyester mistake.

“A gentleman might fill out that crotch,” he says of Seth Aaron’s crazy crotch pants.

The looks are, well, costumey.

Seth Aaron and Mila did sort of dueling tranny referee outfits, with black and white stripes and shocks of color.

Jay did Sergeant Pepper on the top, office happy hour on the bottom.

I have no idea what circus Anthony went to, as his dress looked like the polyester version of everything else he makes.

And Emilio, well, he did it again. Emilio is quite possibly having the single best run of any contestant in the history of Project Runway. I mean, has anybody ever won 4 in a row before? I just wish I could warm up to the guy a little more.

Then what is always my favorite part: The contestants have to say why they belong in the competition and pick who they think should join them in Bryant Park.

Seth says something about his vision and expert tailoring and picks Emilio and Jay.

Jay says something along the lines of, “I deserve to go to Bryant Park because I got this far,” which is dumb, as they all have gotten this far. He picks Seth Aaron and Anthony. (Also, by not picking Emilio, he has lost all credibility.)

Mila tells the judges she thinks it is her time and she picks Emilio and Seth Aaron.

AwesomeEmilio gives a from-the-heart soliloquy on how awesome he is and picks Seth Aaron and Mila.

And here’s where Anthony does the cutest thing. He says that he just “needs to get to my space and trust my own viscera.”

You see what he did there? He used Tim Gunn’s vocabulary word. I laughed out loud at that. Indeed, it was the first time I had ever LOL’d over something Anthony said. Shortly thereafter, he was eliminated. (Oh, for the record, he picked Emilio and Jay.)

So Emilio is going to Bryant Park. Duh.

Seth Aaron is going to Bryant Park. I can hardly wait to see his Babes in Toyland meets Forever 21 collection.

Anthony, as mentioned, is out.

So it comes down to Mila and Jay.

I cheered when Mila is “in.”

But I booed when Jay is also “in.”

Sorry, but I really don’t think the guy deserved it. His designs are so half-hearted, so “meh.”

So anyway, the two of them are going to do a mother effin design-off, a la Rami and Chris, with only one collection showing at Bryant Park.

Here’s my conspiracy theory on why Jay is also in: For those of you who watch Models of the Runway, also seen on these fine Lifetime networks, there’s a little competition raging between Mila’s model (Brandise) and Jay’s model (Brittany). I swear that they kept both Jay and Mila to keep that little drama going. Because it turns out a show about a bunch of models is totally boring without Miss Jay and Tyra.

Next week, we meet the people who hang out with Mila, Jay, Seth Aaron, and Emilio—by choice!

Premature Evacuation: The Project Runway recap

I’m trying to figure out the exact moment that Maya knew she was going to leave the show.

Was it back in the girl’s dorm, when she and Mila began their morning ritual of subconsciously mirroring each other’s behavior?

Was it when she got the assignment to design (yet another) gown for Heidi?

Or was it a spontaneous decision? Did she just walk away from her little work station—it was totally abandoned, you guys!—and calmly tell Tim the news?

The reason I ask is this: She didn’t seem rattled or flustered or even slightly unsure of her decision. She told the group she was leaving with the same equanimity one might say, “I think I’ll have the omelet this morning.” Or “I’ve decided to take up jogging.”

Her calmness aside, the questions still remain: Did she do the right thing? And did anyone see this coming? (Yes, say the people who saw the spoiler-iffic promos during the week. Thanks, Lifetime.)

Never once did Maya complain about feeling overwhelmed or unprepared. It was more like, “Why the hell aren’t I winning?” There was nothing about her work, her attitude, her performance that said: I’m in over my head.

And yet.

Hopefully, we’ll see Maya again at the “Watch What Happens” wrap-up show. But I suspect we’ll never know the real reason for her departure. I’m just not buying this, “My vision wasn’t ready yet” line. Girl came out of the womb ready for Bryant Park.

Anyway, the designers all seemed genuinely shocked and sad over her departure. And I particularly felt bad for Mila, who will no doubt miss her little Mini Me most of all. She should take comfort in the fact that model Brandise could play the body double for either lead character in Sewn Asunder: The Mila and Maya Story.

So, with Maya gone, that leaves a slot open for the return of one auf’d designer.

(I love how in the Lifetime promo they showed Anthony, Jesse, and. . .Ping as the 3 possible returnees. Oh, Ping. I wish. So hard.)

Yup, Anthony was back—all sunny and “thank bejesus” and “kiss my grits” as  usual.

I would’ve preferred the return of a female contestant. . . but then again. . . . oh, it’s just too easy.

So back to the challenge. Design a red carpet dress for the key grip of Project Runway. I mean, uh, very, very, very famous celebrity Heidi Klum.

Everyone starts doing their thing:

Jay makes his homage to Sir Mix A Lot.

Seth Aaron does his Elvira: Queen of the Night getup.

Mila does some sort of nice cocktail dress for a Sunday pool party in Boca.

Jonathan starts breaking out all his mad designin’ skillz.

Anthony does a gown to be featured in his Pepe le Pew collection.

And Emilio, well, just stand back and let the man work.

Heidi comes in and rains on almost everyone’s parade. She tells Jonathan she likes everything about his dress—except for the dress part. She tells Jay that she doesn’t want any junk in the trunk, so he needs to start backing that dumptruck up. (She also allows him to cop a glimpse at her boobies, thus creating the single most wasted supermodel booby glimpse in the history of television.) She tells Mila that everyone else’s dress is better than hers. (Ouch.)

Jonathan is most flummoxed by Heidi’s appearance, so he starts his dress all over again. And then his second dress sucks perhaps harder than the first. So he starts again. Is the third time the charm?

Runway day. And Heidi makes a little jokey-poo : “In fashion, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out. And, then”—looking at Anthony— “maybe the next day you’re in again.” Har.

An actual B-list celebrity, Jessica Alba, is the fourth judge. Why didn’t they trot her out earlier in the show? It would’ve saved Heidi the awkward experience of disappointing a million Project Runway fans when she was the “big celebrity” who walked into the room.

I wasn’t totally feeling the love for Anthony’s black and white gown, were you? I sort of felt like it’s what I might’ve designed my first day at dressmaking school. But Jessica Alba lurrrrved it, so what do I know?

As for Emilio. What can I say? I thought his gown was perfection.

So. . .both Anthony and Emilio win! (Heidi is going to wear Emilio’s dress and Jessica Alba will wear Anthony’s.)

Emilio is en fuego, people! That’s 3 wins in a row, for those in a Project Runway fantasy league.

The bottom two are Mila and Jonathan. And Jonathan is . . .out.

He’s totally gracious about it and doesn’t say, “It totally sucks that Anthony gets to come back and win and I’m out on my patootie. Where’s my second chance? Huh? Huh?”

Luckily, he has a date tomorrow with Amy for brunch, mani-pedis, and a “Real Housewives” marathon. That always lifts a guy’s spirits.

Say My Name: The Project Runway recap

There’s a great scene in Woody Allen’s Take the Money and Run where Woody, playing a hapless bank robber, hands the bankteller a note.

“I have a gub?” she asks.

“No, it’s I have a gun,” Woody hisses.

So she calls another teller over: “What does this say?”

“I have a gub,” the other teller confirms.

And so it was with Emilio and his signature print. Mila had no idea what the heck it said. And Tim Gunn thought it was some kind of tribute to his bromance with Seth Aaron. (“Does that say I heart Seth Aaron?”) It actually said E Sosa, except the “o” was a heart. Clever. (Not really.)

The question remained: Would Emilio’s indecipherable egomania be his undoing? (Yes, I realize that my breathless cliffhangers lose much of their impact since you’ve all seen the show already, but I just can’t help myself.)

As you’ve already gathered, the challenge here was to design your own print, which was kinda cool, even if it was painful to watch Vivienne Tam shilling so shamelessly for Hewlett Packard.

“They made the computer more personal,” she recited. (Hmmm, where have I heard that before?)

So then the designers got to play with the coolest computer game ever, where you kind of paint on a screen and it turns into a pattern. (Imagine how much time Jackson Pollack would’ve saved with this sucker.)

Some of the designers pattern choices were, shall we say, curious?

Mila did something that sort of looked like what a room painter does to test her paint samples on a wall.

Jonathan, still clearly broken up over the auf’ing of his BFF, decided to go with a pattern I’d like to officially rename: Subtle cry for help. (“Everything is pale as hale!” Anthony decreed. Couldn’t have said it better myself.)

Emilio did his I Heart Me thing.

Seth Aaron decided to go for something really different for a change: A British take on pop punk! (Sigh.)

Meanwhile, Anthony was jibber jabbering away about Oprah and Beyonce and god knows what else. . .

“I do not purposely try to be entertaining!” he deadpanned. Ha, ha—good one.

Tim came in to assess the textiles. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of Mila’s maxi-dress, so to punish him, she called him “TG.” Seriously, Mila, have you ever met a man less deserving of a casual, diminutive nickname than Tim Gunn? What next: T Dogg? T Sizzle? Show the man a little respect!

As previously mentioned, Tim was flummoxed by Emilio’s “Narcissism on Parade” print. But Emilio stuck to his concept. So what if he took the phrase “signature textile” a little too literally? He was committed.

Down the runway they come.

It’s funny that Michael Kors called Jonathan’s getup a disco straight jacket, because that term could’ve also easily applied to Mila’s maxi-dress. The poor model couldn’t move her legs 2 inches in that thing. When the model had the audacity to pick up the side of the skirt—so as not too topple over—Mila’s rolled her eyes. “She ruined it,” she said.

I loved Maya’s print the best, but she kind of overdid it with the sculptural wickety wack. So close. . .

(By the way, can you believe she’s only 21? She’s seriously the most mature person in the competition.)

I need to say it: I just don’t get Seth Aaron. Lady Gaga would reject his stuff for being too gimmicky.

Back to Emilio: Got to give the guy credit. Coming up with a signature fabric when no one knows who you are (or can read your handwriting) is gutsy. But damned if it didn’t work. His dress was hot. I would totally wear it (and insist that “Esosa” is Hebrew for “fierce.”) He deserved the win.

Phrases used to describe Jonathan’s “cry for help” dress:

“Disco straightjacket.”

“Dirty tablecloth.”

“Full on catastrophe.”

“It was pitchy, dog.” (Oh wait, strike that last one.)

And yet, miraculously, Jonathan didn’t go home. And neither did Mila, despite the fact that her model seemed have her legs bound.

Nope, Anthony went home for being too. . .Anthony.

But in true Anthony spirit, he went out with a smile on his face and a piece of Southern-fried hokum on his tongue:

“You don’t have to have the crown to be the queen,” he exclaimed. I’ll miss the guy.

Do I Dare Design a Peach? The Project Runway recap

Oh Tim, you tease you. 

First you announce the promising—albeit a little played out—challenge: Design a day and night look inspired by a New York neighborhood. And then you brightly trill, "More exciting news!" 

You see, Tim, usually when someone says "More exciting news!" what follows is, well, exciting news. "And you'll be working in pairs!" does not qualify, no matter how enthusiastically you say it.

But who could resist the allure of 8 divided by 2 which equals 4? Math has a mind of its own. And it must be obeyed.

Yup, 8 contestants left and every single one of them has won a challenge . . . except for Maya. Awkward! Would this be her week?

Anthony is the first team leader and he picks Maya. (They get Chinatown.)

Amy goes next and—oh! squee! besties!—picks Jonathan. (Upper East Side.)

Emilio goes next and picks Seth Aaron. (Harlem.)

Leaving Jay and his moobs to pick Mila. (East Village.)

Jay acts like receiving Mila as a partner is some sort of major handicap. She's only won 2 challenges and come in second on at least 2 more. It's not exactly like you were saddled with Ping there, fella. 

So they wander the neighborhoods. And Anthony makes Maya laugh, which is such a strange and foreign experience for her that she has to look at her reflection in a store window to see what her teeth look like. 

And Emilio is so stoked to share Harlem with Seth Aaron, they're practically holding hands and skipping. 

And Amy keeps asking Jonathan if things—the brick, the wrought iron, the high numbers on the street signs—are "classic Upper East side" and I'm already beginning to worry that she's over thinking it. 

Meanwhile, Jay and Mila are . . .coexisting. Which is the best either could've possibly hoped for.

Nothing of consequence happens at Mood. Back at the studio, Maya is trying to tell Anthony that she knows better because she's an "artist." How Anthony managed to avoid saying, "So what am I? Shit on a shingle?" or some such thing is beyond me.

And Seth Aaron keeps adding random swatches of color when Emilio isn't looking. But Emilio keeps making him take them off.

And Jonathan and Amy are trying to recreate the entire 3rd edition of Patternmaking for Design, Vol. 1.

And you know who's working together quietly, professionally, coolly? Yup, Mila and Jay. 

Okay, Mila is justifiably concerned with Jay's lackadaisical tank top approach. (Every once in a while Jay forgets to try.) But mostly, it's smooth sailing. 

"Let's just say it's working as planned!" boasts Emilio, as it was his Machiavellian maneuvering that led to the pairing of Jay and Mila. (And by Machiavellian maneuvering, I mean: He picked Seth Aaron over Mila.) Not quite sure what drama he thinks he's created.

Tim comes by and likes everyone's look, but is concerned about Jay's pants and thinks that maybe Jonathan is overdoing it. Ya think?

Jonathan and Amy begin to get a little nervous and I'd love to have a gif of Jonathan, face pasty, faux hawk askew, 5 o clock shadow darkening, looking straight at the camera and saying: "We're f*cked."

To the runway they go. 

Top Two:

I have to say it, I hated Seth Aaron's overworked dark denim jumpsuit—although maybe it was that atrocious "Fat Bastard"-style hat. The judges loved it, so what do I know?

I prefered Emilio's zipper gown, although it didn't quite have the wow factor. 

Maya's pagoda-inspired jacket (with Anthony's fabric choice that she had earlier deemed tacky, btw) was nice—and I particularly appreciated the red darts in the skirt—but a little too conservative for me. 

Anthony's paper dragon dress almost worked. 
(Presumably, Maya would've come in first had she and Anthony won the challenge. Poor Maya, always the girl who looks like the woman who wins many of the challenges, but never the winner, herself.)

Bottom Two:

Mila's Lower East side jacket and red tights had her usually spectacular craftsmanship and precise point of view, but I have no idea why the model was giving us rock and roll devil horns at the end of the runway. That thing was about edgy as Hannah Montana.

The less said about Jay's droopy tank top the better. (But kudos to him for supplying Molly Sims with the proper verbage: "It tanked.")


Last (and, sigh, least) Jonathan and Amy. Oh, Amy. I had such high hopes for you. But after last week's taxidermy disaster and this week's peach shirt dress that screams "sales rack at Anthropologie"—it's time to go. As for Jonathan, his dress was overworked, but it had potential.  It needed a do-over. (Or in his case, a do-under.)

So Emilio and Seth Aaron BOTH win! And it's a touching middle-aged male bonding moment. 


And little Amy is out. (If I had any idea how to do a little emoticon frowny face on Blogger, I'd insert that here now.)

Next week: Someone designs a disco straight jacket!

(Unrelated P.S. that only 5 percent of my readers will comprehend. Go Terps!)

Cello? Is it me you're looking for?

No Project Runway recap this week, as I will be in Warm Springs, VA attending the Garth Newell music workshop. See how relaxed that cello looks in this picture? That's going to be me, baby!

Screw This: The Project Runway recap

I get the feeling that Project Runway is operating on a shoestring budget this year.

First, the contestants were designing for an exciting fashion icon who turned out to be. . . Heidi Klum!

Now they are meeting one of America's favorite designers. . .Michael Kors!

(Next week: They'll be designing for one of America's most dapper men. . .Tim Gunn!)

The funny thing is,  Michael Kors has literally nothing to do with this week's hardware challenge. It's not like he's known for using a lot of studs or grommets in his designs. If you ask me, he just wanted some face time for his (admittedly lovely) Soho boutique. (Hey, why should the Bluefly Accessory Wall get all the plugs?)

Kors informs the designers that they will have to "think outside the box" and "push the envelope" this week. I'm surprised he didn't add, "march to the beat of your own drummer"—just to complete the non-conformity cliche trifecta.

The challenge? Make a garment with materials from the Scheman & Grant  hardware store.

And let me tell you, "Thank you, Scheman & Grant" just doesn't roll off the tongue the way it does with Mood.

Back at the studio, it's like the H&G Network broke out, with everyone banging away with their tools.

Jesse is concerned about his look (and with good reason—duhn, dun, duuuuhn!) and says, "I hope somebody crashes and burns. . .not in a mean way, though." (Jesse, there's only one way to hope that someone crashes and burns—and it's the mean way. . . )

Yay! I've discovered that my favorite contestant, design-wise (Amy) and my favorite contestant, personality-wise (Jonathan) are BFFs! And who wouldn't want Jonathan as their No. 1 gay, when he so adorably cracks wise on the hardware challenge?

"Ladies and gentlemen, straight off the Periodic Table of Elements—it's copper!" Jonathan announces, holding up his dress.

Oh Jonathan . . .call me.

Mila has been working all week on her witty color blocking material. "Color blocks—take me away!" she sings, so glad to be included among the cool kids.

No one's material is working the way they'd hoped: Jesse's flowy part is actually his sticky part and Anthony's sticky part is sort of flowing and Jay's Hefty bag has shrinkage.

Tim comes in to survey the damage:

"I feel like I'm at the Arms and Armour Wing of the Met!" he chuckles. (Ah, if only Jesus were still around to appreciate Tim's joke.)

Turns out, Jesse's dress is so horrible that it looks like a school project. "And I don't mean high school or junior high school," says Tim, "I mean elementary school." What can Jesse do with such a sartorial sucker punch to the gut but laugh? Which is exactly what he does.

Emilio's Intergalactic flapper something-or-other is a hot mess. And to make matters worse, he doesn't have nearly enough washers or macrame material to finish the job.

"Maybe you'll have to make it a bathing suit," jokes Tim. (But is he kidding? Duhn, dun, duuuuhn!)

Not gonna lie: I need Maya's key necklace on my neck—and now. That thing is all kinds of awesome.

(Also not gonna lie: After 7 episodes, I still have to check the Lifetime site to remember which one is named Maya and which one is named Mila.)

Runway day and everyone is pretty much in a panic.

In fact, people are so busy trying to finish up that they pretty much just ignore Tim Gunn when he comes into the studio.

"How's everybody doing?" Tim says.

Silence.

"I'm about to send in your models, okay?"

Silence.

Right about now, Tim feels like Mila backstage after a second place finish.

Turns out, it was no joke: Emilio is walking a bathing suit down the runway. A bathing suit with washers in the bikini bottom—sounds like an embarrassing trip to the emergency room waiting to happen!

"No one would ever guess that my look came from a hardware store," says Emilio. Well, except for the part with the washers in the bikini bottom.

Some cool stuff struts down the runway: My girl Amy is back. Jonathan also does a good job. But I have to agree with the Top 3: Mila, Maya, and Jay. They definitely worked that hardware store like  Bob (Mackie) the Builder.

And the winner is. . .Jay! Who cried earlier this episode, so I knew he was either the winner or toast. I, personally, might cry if forced to wear those bright yellow parachute pants he seems so fond of. Designer, clad thyself!

Bottom 3: Jesse (whose dress looked like the Tin Man or a dirty vacuum bag, depending on who you ask), Emilio (for obvious reasons), and Anthony (who didn't embrace the spirit of the challenge and pretty much just made a pretty dress).

I actually find it stunning that Emilio didn't lose. I mean, it wasn't even a stripper outfit. It was like a shredded piece from the beaded curtain that separates the strip stage from the Champagne Room that had been sprayed with Silly Putty. But I did admire the way he pretended that making a skimpy bathing suit was his master plan all along.

Nope, handsome (but vaguely creepy) Jesse hoped that someone would crash and burn—but not in a mean way—and that someone was him. A lesson in karma for us all.