The Last Resort: The Project Runway recap

Since we all know that life is essentially high school writ large, and that reality TV is essentially life writ small, it's fair to say that reality TV is basically high school with grownups on TV.

Never was that more evident than this particular installment of Project Runway. We started with the Mean Girls (Gretchen, Ivy, and, to a lesser extent, Valerie) accepting the artsy stoner girl (April) with a rather conspicuous display of team spirit. There were lots of hugs, a huge welcome note on the chalk board in bubble letters, and some sort of wreath of carnations that spelled out her name on her bed. (Did they think she had just won the Belmont?)

April, for her part, looked mildly nonplussed.

Later in the show the outcast (Michael C.) and the freak (Mondo) will realize that they have much more in common than they initially thought and come together to form some sort of super geek squad that is basically begging to be turned into a John Hughes film. (Featuring Turtle from Entourage as Michael C. and Elijah Wood as Mondo.)

On the runway, Heidi is wearing something from the MC Hammer/Aladdin collection that puzzles me, but why get into it? She tells the gang that they'll be meeting a very special guest for brunch at the marina. After two seasons of budget cuts, we already know that the “very special guest” is just going to be one of the regulars, perhaps in disguise.

Indeed, it's Tim Gunn standing next to a Michael Kors wax figure. Oh wait, that is actually Kors.

The challenge is for the designers to create a resort wear look that illustrates their point of view as a designer.

Mondo grumbles over this. He’s never been to a resort. “I wake up late and walk around in my T-shirt and underwear. That’s resort wear for me,” he sighs.

I’m not buying Mondo’s “I’m just a regular dude” bit for a second. We all know that Mondo has an Excel program that color coordinates his jammies based on days of the week and the seasonal palate, so why pretend to be a stained t-shirt scratching his junk kinda guy?

April, meanwhile, hears resort and immediately thinks sexy, black, and risqué. “She’s taking this resort vacation to this asylum,” she says of her fantasy girl. Alrighty then.

Casanova takes this challenge, like every other one, as a personal affront.

“This challenge is very Michael Kors. This is not my challenge,” he says. (Casanova's ideal challenge would be the "slutty grandma" look, but that is a very specialized challenge and he shouldn't hold his breath.)

Off to Mood. Tim Gunn commiserates with the always sharp French bulldog Swatch, the only one who truly understands him. And back to the studio.

Everyone commences work until Tim Gunn comes in, holding the velvet tassel bag of doom.

The gang knew this resort challenge was a little too easy.

Yup, the designers will be working in teams, with each partner acting as the other’s “personal sample room.” But here’s the twist: They’ll be judged on the piece they designed, not the piece they tailored. In other words, if your partner can’t stitch, you’re in a ditch. Immediately, 9 designers begin praying that they’re not paired with Michael C.

The partnerships go like this:

Valerie and Andy

April and Christopher

Casanova and Gretchen

Ivy and Michael D.

and

Michael C and … Mondo.

Mondo is pissed. He starts being all snippy and condescending to Michael C.

“Your construction is awful and the fact is, you have immunity,” he grumps.

But Michael C. has adopted the sweet learned helplessness of an abused dog. He remains so eager to please, so inquisitive and good-natured, that Mondo finally breaks.

“Sorry I was being such a bitch,” Mondo says later. “I have faith in you.”

(Elijah would KILL that scene.)

Now they are besties—arms wrapped around each other’s shoulders in solidarity. Soon Michael C. will be wearing jaunty little caps, bow ties, and color-coordinating his jammies, too—just you wait.

Frankly, the whole Mondo/Michael C. drama was just a misdirection. The real dramah is taking place stage left with Ivy and her very own illiterate man slave, Michael D.

I really don’t know who to blame for the flaming debacle that is Ivy and Michael D.

Yes, Ivy is bossy. Yes, she has an inflated sense of her own talent. Yes, she can bore a hole in your very soul with a single, well-placed glare.

But Michael D. is not exactly a superstar, now is he? He’s “20 percent” capable of designing a pair of paints? A pair of pants? And he actually had the nerve to accuse Ivy of designing something bland, when she had dumbed down her look to accommodate his remedial sewing skills?

That being said, when hasn’t Ivy designed something bland? She really wasn’t kidding when she said she was inspired by hospital gowns and curtains after her fainting spell. If April is designing the outfit the fierce bitch wears en route to the asylum, Ivy is content to design the regulation hospital gown she is issued when she gets there.

So Team Michael D. . . sort of.

Gretchen and Casanova have their own hilarious dynamic, with Gretchen doing the designer’s equivalent of shouting at a foreign person: She’s making sketches so large that Casanova could see them from Puerto Rico.

“She treat me like a retard,” says Casanova.

It’s not just you, darling.

Tim announces that another “esteemed guest” is coming to evaluate their designs. Who could it be? Georgio Armani? Tom Ford? Marc Jacobs?

Uh, it’s Michael Kors again. Why do they fool me every time?!?

His Royal Orangeness goes around and actually offers some very solid critiques.

In particular, he blasts Valerie for her color palate and tells Ivy that her print is “not taking me to the resort.” Take heed, Ivy! (Spoiler alert: She doesn’t.)

Ten minutes before runway, Tim Gunn tells the designers that they can take possession of their own designs.

Michael D. can not jump away from his sewing machine fast enough. Ivy steps in to immediately fix his top stitching and his stay stitching and his whatever-other-kind-of-stitching he screwed up.

Today’s very special guest judge is. . .Nina Garcia! Just kidding. It’s “stylish American actress Kristen Bell.” (Xoxo, bitches.)

Nothing truly inspiring comes down the runway. I did sort of dig April’s psycho baby doll coverup, although how Kristen Bell thinks it’s “wearable” is beyond me.

I also liked Christopher’s news-printy top with the khaki bermuda shorts. And Michael C’s “glammypuss” halter top with palazzo pants is surprisingly less tacky on the runway than I expected—maybe it’s the brown leather belt?

Besides that, a big pile of meh. The judges may’ve loved Andy’s bathing suit and coverup, but to me it looked like something from the Holly Madison collection at Fredericks of Hollywood.

The less said about Mondo’s look the better, although I suspect that if Mondo was an 11-year-old girl this is exactly how’d he dress.

Ivy and Casanova could do a special fashion show together for people who are offended by color, point of view, and style.

So. . .the top 3 are April, Andy, and Michael D.

And the bottom 3 are Ivy, Casanova, and Mondo.

You see what they did there? Michael D is on TOP and Ivy is on the BOTTOM. Producer manipulation for the win, people!

To pick up on last week’s theme, the phrase “throw under the bus” is like some sort of virus—or a potato chip maybe. You can’t say it just once.

So Ivy does, indeed, throw Michael D. under the bus.

And then Heidi tries to break the world record for an Austrian supermodel using the phrase “throw under the bus” the most times in 30 seconds (I counted 7) and then Kristen Bell, wanting to be one of the cool kids (it’s high school, remember?) also agrees that Ivy “threw Michael under the bus” and then Nina Garcia, trying on the quaint American idiom for size, also says it and it’s a freaking bus throwing orgy.

All I know is, if your name is Michael on this show, you WILL be thrown under the bus, so watch your back, Michael Kors!

April wins—yay! This is so exactly like when Molly Ringwald designed her own dress in Pretty in Pink and was the coolest most stylish girl at the prom!

And it comes down to Ivy vs. Casanova.

I really wanted Casanova to stay, because he brings the funny and has had a few hits (to go along with a whole lotta misses.)

But it’s Casanova’s time to go. They do a little Casanova’s greatest hits montage, because he’s such a wag, and then he pretends to hang himself on the door of the green room with one of his scarfs, which is just another one of his waggish moments for the finale montage.

And the truth is, I’ve never seen a contestant less upset about going home. Casanova is totally over it. Has been, frankly, since day one. It’s like he never realized there’d be challenges—and judging!

“I grabbed one ball off New York and New York grabbed one of mine,” says Casanova. (Laugh track!)

To keep my (now tortured) high school metaphor going, Casanova was the foreign exchange student who came for a semester, showed the boys how to rock a scarf, made a few good friends, and realized he much preferred it at home.

Can You Smell What the Wok is Cooking? The Top Chef D.C. recap

How could I have been so blind?

All this time, I was focusing on Ed and Tiffany (and to a lesser extent, Angelo and and his mail order bride) when I clearly should’ve been focusing on Ed and Angelo. Theirs is a bromance that dare not speak its name. All they do is fight, makeup, and obsess over each other. It’s totally hot.

I generally love these finale episodes because, invariably, someone has taken the downtime to get an ill-advised haircut (who can forget Fabio’s faux-hawk?) or gain an unflattering amount of weight.

But when they arrive in Singapore, the gang mostly looks the same. Maybe Kelly’s hair is darker? And Ed’s dropped a few lbs?

They get a tour of Singapore with a chap named Seetoh, who wears a jaunty little cap like Gilligan. They taste noodle dishes, and chili crab, and poached chicken in broth and I am totally jealous, considering that American street food is basically hot dogs and rubbery pretzels.

At one point, Angelo says to Ed: “Do you like black cockles?”

To which Ed provocatively replies: “Not as much as you do.”

(Just sayin’ . . .)

After this little gustatory tour is over, they run right into Padma, and something tells me it’s no coincidence.

Quickfire time.

Naturally, it’s to make a dish inspired by Singapore street food.

Then Padma drops a delicious little bomb: The winner gets immunity—unprecedented this late in the game!

“Sorry guys,” says Angelo. You see, he’s crazy with the wok, and, of course, “feels Asian 100 percent.” So he thinks he’s got this in the bag.

For the first of about a dozen times this episode, Ed expresses his desire to beat Angelo.

“I really want to beat Angelo,” he says. You don’t say, Ed.

Kelly, on the other hand, sees Kevin as her primary competition.

“When he brings it, he BRINGS it!” she says. (He must’ve done all of this alleged bringing of it during the commercial breaks because this is news to me.)

So they have this giant table of delicacies to choose from but nothing is labeled and all of the vegetables are hairy and have tentacles (or maybe those are the fish?). They have to taste all of the spices and run around like crazy people, sweating profusely into their woks. (Adds salt!)

Kevin, genius that he is, took the time to learn a bit about Singapore street dialect and even congee (the famous Chinese porridge dish), but didn’t bother to learn to use a wok.

Padma scolds him.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re coming to Singapore for the chance to win $125,000—did anyone tell you that?”

(Oh snap.)

“I don’t have a big enough burner for a wok,” he mutters after she walks away. Also, the dog ate his chopsticks.

Angelo, on the other hand, is such a wok-ologist that he knows about “wok-hay” —the fancy word for the temperature of the wok.

Ed likes to wok around on the weekends and is pretty confident about his stir-fry noodles with steamed lobster and black pepper dish.

And with good reason—Ed wins.

When this happens, a little piece of Angelo dies. You can see it on his face. He attempts a casual smile, which makes it even worse.

The Padma drops yet another bomb: The Elimination challenge is going to be a team challenge.

Angelo tries another smile. It freezes on his face like a death mask.

Food and Wine magazine’s Dana Cowin will be back as guest judge.

The challenge is to make a luncheon for Dana and 80 of her closest friends (who happen to be in Singapore) that highlights the many flavors of Southeast Asia.

The chefs huddle and agree to make one dish each. This seems like a very dumb idea.

Angelo drops one of his cheesy metaphors: “Everyone’s heart’s on the line. This could be your last beat.”

(The guy should seriously consider a collaboration with Michael Bolton.)

At the market, Kelly decides she wants to make fishhead curry. But since she’s never made fishhead curry before—and the store has no convenient frozen fishhead curry box to copy the ingredients off of—she asks the kindly vendor what spices to use. Shameless.

Ed decides to go ahead and make a second dish without telling anyone. (Impressively evil, Ed. Didn’t know you had it in you.)

Ed tries to squeeze past Angelo, who is blocking the aisle.

“Other people are shopping,” he says snippily.

Angelo looks at him funny. “Ever since you got immunity, it’s like you’re a different person,” he says.

The classic, “I don’t even know you any more” lover’s quarrel. Now boys, play nice!

Angelo is obviously totally jealous that Ed has immunity, but he does recognize that it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.

“You have to be motivated. I’m 100 percent on fire. The spark in the forest has been set and those flames are going to be burning.”

(I wonder what key Bolton would set those lyrics to?)

In the kitchen, Angelo is praying to his BFF Jesus and muttering to himself, but Ed is in a conspicuously good mood.

“Downtown Julie Brown!” he says, rushing by with a steaming hot pot. (Is that a thing?)

Angelo takes it as a sign of disrespect.

“It’s all fun and games, Ed,” says Angelo. (Until someone makes an outdated and random Downtown Julie Brown metaphor?)

“I’m definitely happy that I have immunity,” says Ed.

And I believe that Ed is happy to have immunity, but mostly I believe that he is happy that he can rub Angelo’s face in it. At this point, making Angelo’s life miserable seems more important to Ed than winning the competition.

“You’re an asshole,” says Angelo.

Mission accomplished.

Tom comes into the kitchen to check on everyone’s progress.

He can’t believe the bums have only decided to make four dishes.

“I’m already preparing a second dish,” says Ed, all teacher’s-petty.

Tom demands that everyone whip up a second dish.

“That was predictable, huh?” says Ed cheerfully. And it’s truly amazing that no one slaps him in the face.

Angelo finally says it out loud: “Immunity would be nice.”

“Immunity is for suckers!” replies Kevin. Heh.

Kelly is in such a panic that she slices open her hand, covers it in a latex glove, and keeps working, dripping blood onto the floor. Mas macho!

The gang heads back to the Hilton hotel, first stopping for a little lighthearted prawn fishing in the square.

It’s sad, really. Under different circumstances, in a different town, those crazy kids could all be the best of friends.

Luncheon day. The chefs will be preparing the food a la minute, which is basically French for cooked to order.

Angelo is using all the burners, even the ones he doesn’t need.

“It’s the All About Angelo show,” complains Ed.

Angelo ignores him and asks if he can borrow Ed’s spoon.

“It was a gift from my mother,” Ed says, handing it over reluctantly. “She gave it to me.”

He’s proud of his little lie: “I’m extremely sarcastic. People sometimes think I’m being a douchebag." Then he adds hastily, "With Angelo, half the time I am being a douchebag though.”

There’s chaos with the orders, because half the tickets are written in Chinese and Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dom (i.e., the clueless pack of young waiters, who are dressed in unfortunate black-and-white striped shirts) don’t seem particularly motivated, but eventually everyone does get served.

And apparently, the food is top notch.

In particular, the judges love Kelly’s clever guava salad, Angelo’s silky lamb tartare, Kevin’s tapioca porridge (a risk that paid off!) and Ed’s banana fritters with chili, which Gail wanted a mountain of and Tom declared to be the perfect stoner food.

I must confess that, at the beginning of the season, I thought this was a subpar cast of chefs. But they’ve really stepped it up. When you’ve got Dana Cowin describing your food as “yummy,” you’re clearly on to something.

“Best food we’ve had all season,” says Tom.

Which, of course, makes the decision all the more difficult.

So the judges nitpick:

The flavor of Angelo’s spicy shrimp broth was a little too intense.

Kelly’s fish in her curry was a little rough in texture and the red curry could’ve had a little more heat.

Seetoh wanted a little texture in Kevin’s otherwise excellent congee. Maybe a peanut or toasted sesame nut.

Ed did no wrong in the judges eyes.

So it comes as no surprise that . . .Ed wins! Wow. Tiffany must be sending him some of her mojo.

“I’m in the final 3,” says Ed, adding the more important bit (in his mind): “I beat Angelo twice at his own game. I’m definitely happy about that.”

Kelly is convinced she’s going home. Angelo is convinced it’s him.

“Either way, I’m proud of us,” says Kelly. “We worked as a team.”

Indeed, it does come down to Angelo vs. Kelly.

Angelo stands there, tears welling in his eyes. Kelly is, as we established earlier, made of tougher stuff. She’s not crying.

“Kelly. . .please pack your knives and go home.”

With that, Angelo bursts into tears and Kelly makes the classic reality show mistake: Thinking he’s crying over her.

“Oh stop,” she says.

She handles her departure with great grace, thanking the judges for making her a better chef and hugging everyone goodbye.

So it’s down to the 3 Bro-migos. But Padma comes in with a final cliffhanger:

“We need to see all of you back at judge’s table.”

“Even me?” says Ed. Oh Ed. Don’t change.

“Yes.”

And. . .scene.

This dramatic twist would’ve worked a lot better if we didn’t see in the previews for next week that the cheftestants would be working with the ghosts of Top Chef past: Hung, Richard, and my arch nemesis Ilan.

Also, Angelo gets sick. And not some metaphorical heart sick because his heart beats to the rhythm of a 1,000 Asians. Really sick.

To be continued. . .

It’s the Pits: The Project Runway recap

A few weeks ago, I was having dinner with a friend, a former contestant on a reality show (not Project Runway.)

On her season, there was one contestant who was pretty much loathed by the other competitors. They singled her out, ostracized her, and bitched a lot that she stayed in the competition while other, superior talents bit the dust.

I made the case to my friend that this treatment wasn’t fair, that it was standard group mentality to find a mutual enemy, and that this poor woman was the victim of an old fashioned bullying campaign.

My friend thought about this for a long while before responding: “No. She was just really fucking annoying.”

And so it is with Michael Costello on this season of Project Runway. Maybe he really does have no construction skills. Maybe he really is two-faced. Maybe he really is a rank amateur.

But I have a news flash, kids: That rank amateur is kicking your butts.

Look, I don’t know about you, but I am always going to root for the Michael Costellos of the world. I can’t help myself. I hate group think in all its forms. Frankly, I love Casanova just a little bit more because he defends Michael C. and acknowledges that hey, maybe the kid has talent.

Anyway, the awkwardness of last week’s epic episode is still reverberating. Michael C has to walk around the house knowing that everyone thinks he sucks.

And Gretchen has to walk around the studio knowing that Tim Gunn hates her.

“They really threw me under the bus,” says Michael, the understatement of the century. They threw him under a fleet of buses.

(An aside: Can we come up with another damn metaphor for being hosed by your friends? Can’t there be something from Shakespeare? “Et tu, you pack of Brutus bitches!.” Or a reference to some other heavy, fast moving thing, like a bulldozer? Or Ray Lewis? Or how bout even a fashion metaphor: “They stuck me like a pin cushion.” When did the bus become the ultimate instrument of betrayal?)

As for Gretchen, she’s still insisting that she isn’t manipulative.

Valerie puts it most euphemistically: “She does have a propensity to fall into a role of leadership without realizing it.”

(If speaking of Mao Tse-Tung, Valerie would probably say: “He does have a propensity for genocide without realizing it.”)

So today’s challenge is the bridesmaid challenge. This should in no way remind you of last season’s bride challenge. Last season, a bunch of divorced women of various shapes and sizes paraded on stage in their hideous bridal gowns. This season, a bunch of single women of various shapes and sizes paraded on stage in their hideous bridesmaid gowns. Totally different, see?

Whatevs. It’s a good challenge. And those bridesmaids were funny.

“Hi, I’m Kim and I don’t know if you noticed, but I have a vertical bow on my chest.”

This got a huge laugh from the designers but you could see the other bridesmaid looking at her jealously: There could be jokes? No one said there could be jokes!

“I look like a Jolly Rancher!” said another bridesmaid, not wanting to be outdone. (She was right, by the way.)

The funniest part of the selection process was when Mondo picked a gal in a bright pink dress. The dress was ugly enough from the front, but when she turned to walk back stage, she revealed a giant white stripe that went down the entire back of her dress.

Never has the phrase “bridesmaid in the front, party in the back” been more apt.

Mondo was justifiably freaked.

In the studio, Michael D is in a panic because his bridesmaid is “volumptuous.” (His word.) As always is the case when the designers have to design for a plus-size woman, Michael D. acts like this is the heaviest, most burdensome cross any designer has ever had to bear. Suck it up, brother. (He eventually does, but still acts like he’s the patron saint of cellulite for doing his job.)

The aforementioned awkward moment between Tim Gunn and Gretchen transpires, but she’s had a Skype chat with her mom (proving that even brutal dictators can have nice, supportive moms) and is actually pretty mature about things.

“I need him to help me assess the task at hand, not be an emotional mentor for me,” she says.

And Gunn is relatively impressed with her hombre design.

Also, suddenly he and Casanova are seeing eye-to-eye.

“I like this, it’s sporty,” says Tim.

“Exactly,” says Casanova.

“I like this blousssant,” says Tim.

“Exactly,” says Casanova.

“I’m really happy with what you’re doing. And you have immunity!” says Tim.

“Exactly,” says Casanova.

Clearly someone told Casanova to say “exactly” to everything Tim Gunn says and so far, it’s working like a charm! I’m going to try this strategy in the office.

Tim has a special announcement: There will no runway show tomorrow, instead there will be a designer’s showcase where regular people (ewwww!) will be able to come in and vote for their favorite design.

So they go to this showroom and it’s sort of awkward in a “please don’t feed the designers” sort of way. The designers are standing next to their models, who are on little raised platforms—and everyone’s begging for votes. (I think this is very similar to how they select whores in Amsterdam.)

And everyone loves sassy little Mondo and his sassy little dress and tragic little Michael C, whose cuddly underdog status is clear even to outsiders.

Even Peach manages to get a vote or two, despite her monstrosity of a dress, mostly because she’s like that cool mom on the block who always let you drink beer in the basement.

There’s some sort of brouhaha, because Ivy has gotten wind of the fact that Michael C. is telling the customers that she’s a bitch and that they shouldn’t vote for her.

Could it be true?

The next day, Michael C. faces this accusation head-on.

“I said no such thing,” he says. “I would never in a million years do that to a fellow competitor.” He even claims that his bridesmaid will back him up.

Ivy doesn’t bother to ask.

“I choose not to believe Michael,” Ivy tells the camera later. “I tend to trust people’s character and his track record has proven otherwise”

What track record? Like when he called you lazy and ignorant? Oh wait. That was you.

Runway day.

Cynthia Rowley is the guest judge.

We find out that Mondo got the most votes at the meet and greet. This will be “factored into” the judging, Heidi says. (Or not.)

Mondo’s model is working that runway like Snookie en route to the tanning booth.

Gretchen’s model is totally fierce and actually a lot better than some of the show’s actual models.

Michael D. is wearing a Rosie the Riveter do-rag that confuses me, but his plus-sized model looks happy in her generic little cocktail dress. (Too bad she’s about to get crushed.)

Ultimately, Mondo, Valerie, Michael C., Michael D., Peach, and Christopher are the designers with the highest and lowest scores.

There’s mass confusion in the green room. Who’s on top? Who’s on bottom?

“I’m sure Michael C. is in the bottom,” someone says confidently.

Turns out, the top 3 are Mondo (“feminine and tough at the same time”), Christopher (“fierce.”), and, yes, Michael C. (“edgy and hip”).

Burn, burn, burn! I write in my notes.

The bottom 3, then, are Valerie (“it looks like she’s wearing a maternity bra”), Peach (“looks like an avocado goiter”), and Michael D (“went from bridesmaid to bar mitzvah”).

Heidi kind of defends Valerie a little. “I didn’t hate it,” she says. Valerie will take what she can get.

The judges send the designers away to have their patented little chat.

Backstage, the remaining designers receive the crushing news: They judges floved Michael C’s dress.

“What show am I on, dude?” Gretchen asks.

“I’m super confused. They’re just spinning me in circles,” adds Andy.

“It just makes me crazy!” Gretchen adds.

Meanwhile, Peach has a hunch that she’s puréed .

“My dress was my gift to everyone,” she says. “You guys are all safe.”

The judges are totally hip to what’s been happening with Michael C. in the house.

“You know what I love?” says Heidi with glee. “That last week they were all throwing him under the bus!” (Or, as they say in German: "werfen ihm unter den bus!”).

Michael Kors shakes his orange head, amused. “They said he couldn’t sew!”

Cynthia Rowley can’t help but to join the mocking: “Who made that dress then? It was beautifully constructed.”

So they call the designers back on stage.

It comes down to Mondo vs. Michael.

And, although Mondo won the Showcase vote and had managed to turn that NASCAR dress into something quite chic, Michael C wins!

“Of course you did,” says Ivy. Out loud.

Back on stage, it has come down to Peach vs. Michael D.

“You made your bridesmaid dresses look worse, which we didn’t think was possible,” Heidi says.

Frankly, I think Peach is a peach, but her dress was too ugly for life.

So Peach is pitted.

She goes backstage and is really sweet and smiley and huggy.

“I’ve had the time of my life!” she says.

April is particularly crushed, since they had this whole mother/daughter bonding thing and now April is alone (maybe she can rent out Gretchen’s mom?).

“WTF Peach?” April says. “Now I’m by myself.” Awww.

Even Mondo is living up to his emo look and sniffling.

Tim Gunn comes in, considers making another speech about how much he hates Gretchen, and instead escorts Peach sadly to the work room.

Mussel Weakness: The Top Chef D.C. recap

What have they done to my Anthony Bourdain? In a season in which Eric Ripert was unfailingly polite, and we felt the absence of Toby Young, a man who never met a contestant (or a metaphor) he didn't want to torture, I was really looking forward to Bourdain bringing the thunder. But he was. . .nice? Complimentary? Even gushy?

Don’t get me wrong. It's not that I didn't like this kinder, gentler Bourdain, it’s just that I’d never met him before.

Anyway, more on Bizarro Bourdain later.

Dana Cowin from Food and Wine magazine is the Quickfire guest judge. (Ed is friends with her on Facebook, which is not a conflict of interest, because she has no idea who he is.)

The challenge is to pick a bottle of wine and prepare a dish that complements the wine.

Tiffany is concerned, because she says that she always lets the “wine guy” at her restaurant handle pairings. I sort of love that she didn’t say sommelier.

Angelo, a man of many passions that include, in no particular order: Tony Robbins, the Far East, making love to short ribs, and Russian mail order brides, loves wine and feels that he has a palate for pairings. We shall see.

Poor Kevin got the bright idea to make pork belly in an hour, but, with 7 minutes to go, it was clear that his goose was cooked (or, more accurately, his pork was undercooked). He grabbed some quail and broke down that quail and sautéed it like a man possessed. It was quite an impressive display.

That being said, his quail was one of the least successful pairings.

Also, Kelly probably knew she was in trouble when, after she lovingly describing her blue cheese emulsion, Dana Cowin asked her: “What’s that foam?”

“It’s the blue cheese emulsion,” said Kelly, sheepishly.

Kelly, indeed, also had one of the least successful pairings.

Top two? Angelo, with his sautéed foie gras, and Tiffany (again!) with her Wagyu tenderloin.

And the winner is. . .Angelo!

“Maybe he has his mojo back,” says Kevin, ominously.

Now a very special announcement from Padma: For the first time ever, the final four will be traveling out of the country—to Singapore!

This pleases Angelo immensely, because “I feel Asian inside 100 percent,” he tells us. “I tingle when I think about it.”

(I think there’s some sort of ointment he can take for that.)

But everyone else does the math. 5 cheftestants. 4 going to Singapore. That means one poor schlub is going to be the contestant who just missed going to East Asia. Ouch.

There aren’t that many places farther away than Singapore, but one of those places is outerspace!

The contestants are going to NASA.

Kelly totally geeks out because it turns out she went to Space Camp. “I’m kind of a space nerd,” she says. That is the cutest thing ever.

At the Goddard Space Station they meet a food scientist who wears braces. She has to be in her 50s and I kind of feel sad that she waited 5 decades to get those braces and, of course, THEN she hits it big on national TV.

Some actual astronauts, floating around in actual space, give the challenge:

Make food that can be freeze dried and served in zero gravity.

“Shoot for the stars!” they say.

A few helpful hints from the astronauts:

No big pieces.

Not a lot of sugar.

Spice is good.

No adult diaper jokes.

No Tang.

(I just added those last two helpfully myself.)

The food will be judged by a panel that includes astronauts, NASA scientists, and noted food critic Buzz Aldrin.

“I’m so excited!” says Kelly. And she means it.

At Whole Foods, Angelo almost runs over an innocent bystander with his cart.

Tom comes to check on their progress in the kitchen.

He asks Angelo what he’s making:

“I’m braising short ribs,” says Angelo.

And with that, Tom makes a face.

Angelo notices the face. We at home notice the face. Everyone with a set of eyes notices the face.

“What was that . . .” Angelo starts, then stops, thinking better of it.

But he can’t help himself: “What was that face?” he demands.

“Nothing,” lies Tom.

Where’s Tim Roth when you need him?

(By the way, the mystery of Tom’s face is never solved. Maybe he thought short ribs couldn’t be freeze dried? Or maybe he passed some gas.)

Something terrible happened to Tiffany’s mussels. They froze solid, thus rendering them inedible.

“We have a problem,” says Tiffany. I rewound twice. Did she really just NOT say “Houston, we have a problem?” Because that is a lost opportunity she’s never going to get back.

To the victor go the spoils, or, in this case, a brand new Toyota Avalon with leather seats that the contestants drive to the dinner. Actually, Angelo drives.

“Take good care of my car,” cracks Kelly. Such a wag.

As mentioned, a man who looks exactly like Anthony Bourdain is one of the guest judges. Also, Buzz Aldrin. (Just in case you were wondering, being the second dude to walk on the moon? Awesome.) Also, poor brace face, who is not only making her national TV debut with braces but will now be picking fried artichoke out of her wires for days.

Kelly goes first.

Her pan roasted halibut with artichoke-fennel barigoule is a hit.

A few of the scientists question whether or not it can be freeze dried.

“If we can put a man on the moon, we can figure out how to freeze dry this,” says Tom. True dat.

Next, Ed’s Moroccan lamb with cous cous croquette.

There’s some grumbling about Ed’s lamb rack. Debris is a bad thing in space.

Chef Ripert thinks too much is happening on Ed’s plate.

But Bizarro Bourdain loves it. “I just want to express my disappointment with my comrade the Ripper over here. I’ve been to Morocco many times and I think Ed nailed it.”

Heh. He called him Ripper.

Kevin’s NY strip with bacon and jalapeno and corn puree is also a hit, but Bourdain thinks it’s too basic.

Tiffany, who has left the mussels out of her dish and is now just serving halibut with coconut curry is next. Everyone likes it, but feels it’s missing something. . .mussels perhaps?

Finally, Angelo’s ginger-lacquered short ribs with pea puree.

(With apologies to Fabio: This is Top Chef, not Top Pea Puree. But what do I know?)

Eric Ripert found it a bit too acidic.

At this point, Bizarro Bourdain had had enough!

“I’m shocked by Ripert’s dark, cynical, negative and snarky world view!” he announces. “It’s all about love and optimism for me now. I thought this dish was very sophisticated. And might be easily adapted to an extraterrestrial situation.”

Who IS this guy?

Evaluation time.

Ripert was especially impressed with Kelly’s artichoke.

“Have you been to Provence?” he asked her. “It shows.”

When they picked Kelly up from the floor, she thanked him for his kind words.

Angelo rambled on about playing a submissive role to his dish and making love to short ribs, but instead of being disgusted by this bit of food porn, Bizarro Bourdain brushed it off good-naturedly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I just know I loved your dish.”

Indeed, he loved it so much that Angelo won. Mojo rising, indeed!

Elimination is going to be especially tough, because EVERYONE did a great job.

“You made five great dishes,” says Tom. “We’re splitting hairs here.”

At first I think they’ll be sending nobody home. Singapore for everyone!

But barring that, it’s clear to me—and to the entire Top Chef viewing audience—that it is Kevin’s time to go.

First off, he got the loser’s edit: Lots of talk about his family, his wife, his underdog status.

Second, he made a delicious dish, but it was hardly ambitious—even Bizarro Bourdain thought he played it a little too safe. He’d had a great run, but it was clearly time to pack up his knives and go.

And then, suddenly, the unthinkable happened: Tiffany got sent home. Tiffany!?!

How can this be? How did this happen? To quoth Nancy Kerrigan: Why? Why? Why?

Tiffany was supposed to win this thing. Not be sent home right before Singapore. Tiffany is supposed to be crying for joy! Not sadness! She is supposed to continue on in this competition, with the same unpretentiously delicious food, good cheer, and sangfroid she brings to every challenge. Nooooooo!

This sucks, Top Chef! I demand that they rescind your Emmy.

(Oh, congrats on that, by the way.)

Camel Woe: The Project Runway recap

As you read this review, dear readers, I want you to be mindful of the fact that I was up late last night at a party, so I may not be at my absolute best.

I also want you to be mindful of the fact that I have a little cold. And before you pass judgment on my recap, I want you to be mindful of the fact that any decision you make today can have dire consequences the rest of your lives.

Oh Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen. We’ve had people beg on the runway, get defensive, cry, spaz out, bargain, even filibust—but we’ve never had someone ADVISE the judges on what to do. We’ve never had someone tell the judges to be freakin’ MINDFUL. And we’ve certainly never had a contestant so odious, so crassly manipulative, and so transparently self-serving, that it caused Tim Gunn to lose his (very dignified) shit.

But I’m ahead of myself.

The show starts and everyone is still bitching about the fact that Michael C. won the last challenge.

And poor Michael, so sweetly oblivious to all the animus last week, is beginning to smell what The Rock is cooking: “I feel good about my win but I would’ve felt better if the designers were, like, ‘Hey Michael, good job.’” he sighs. “I didn’t really get that from them.”

And it’s only going to get worse, buddy.

On the runway, Heidi informs the gang that it’s a team challenge.

Since Michael C. won the last challenge—and has immunity (I repeat: HAS immunity)—he gets to pick first.

He picks Gretchen. Poor, deluded lad.

“Michael C is such a dumbass for choosing Gretchen,” says April. “Do you want to hire Hitler?

I think I love April now.

So it works out in a Bad News Bear-ish sort of way. On the one hand, we have the successful, cocky, much-decorated Team Awesome: Michael C, Gretchen, Christopher, Andy, Ivy, and AJ.

And on the other hand, we have the nose-pickers, the cast-offs, and the duds—April, Mondo, Michael D., Valerie, Casanova, and Peach—a.k.a. Team Suck.

They have to create a whole fall collection using a kind of MadLibs of styles and fabrics.

Team Awesome (who call themselves Team Luxe) chooses menswear for women and camel.

Team Suck (who call themselves the incredibly obvious Team Military and Lace) chooses safari and leopard print. Just kidding, they choose military and lace.

They go to their respective corners and start brainstorming.

Although Heidi had made it perfectly clear that there should be no one leader on the team, Gretchen is obviously taking that role with Team Awesome.

And she’s pleased as punch.

“Guys, I’m so proud of us. We’re working so well together!” says Gretchen. Translation: “You’re all listening to me so well!”

It’s almost the opposite on Team Suck. No one really wants to take the helm of this potentially sinking ship.

“I think everyone in our group thinks we’re going to be on the bottom, and doesn’t want to be the one going home,” says April.

But Casanova, who is wearing some sort of odd pleather turban, is excited about the direction: “I love military and lace. I am like a fish in water.”

Tim Gunn comes to check on their progress.

He likes most of what Team Suck is doing but pauses in front of Casanova’s station.

“I’m going to be blunt,” says Tim. Everyone holds their breath. “You’re garment is looking like the mother of these women.”

This pretty much sends Casanova into a (hilarious) tailspin.

“I’m making clothing for old ladies or sluts!” he cries.

Then he really lays it on thick, acting like Camille, lying on the coach, impervious to pep talks, so very tired, so very sad, so very misunderstood.

“Casanova is having a major diva moment,” says Valerie.

It seems that Team Suck may have to finish Casanova’s garment for him until a blessing appears in the form of a 5’8” malnourished girl— Casanova’s model.

She tells Casanova some trite things about following his heart and not letting anyone tell him what to do and it perks him right up.

“My model. She always has the greatest words. She’s like angel,” he exults. He’s ready to get back to work.

Meanwhile, over at Team Awesome, there is some foreshadowing.

“I’ve met with the other team,” says Tim. “By comparison this is looking very ho hum.”

But Team Awesome is undeterred, so confident are they in their own undeniable awesomeness.

“I don’t know if the other team has a chance!” gushes Ivy.

Runway day.

Team Military and Lace comes strutting down the runway.

In the back row, Gretchen is whispering things to Christopher: “This has very little relationship to the rest of the collection,” she says of Valerie’s suit. “I think we got it.”

Now, I don’t know about you, but it took me a few minutes to register how much Team Awesome’s collection blew. I mean, one garment after the next—frumpy, ill-fitting, and not even the slightest bit luxe.

The designers line up for the evaluation.

Heidi, clearly loving this moment, methodically begins to announce the names of the designers on Team Suck: “Mondo, Casanova, Peach . . .”

Over at Team Awesome, looks of dread are slowly creeping onto their faces.

“. . Valerie, Michael D., April. . .”

Oh no, this can’t BE!

“Congratulations. You’re our winners.”

Noooooooo!

Team Awesome, now renamed Team NotAwesome shuffles back to the Green Room.

They are flabbergasted. Enraged. Defiant.

They vow to stick together during critique. No one is pointing any fingers or throwing anyone under any buses. Unity, all the way!

Team Suck, now renamed Team Doesn’tSuck, is picking up its kudos. In particular, yes, Peach and Casanova are getting high marks for their respective looks.

“Who should win from your team?” asks Heidi.

“Casanova,” says Valerie.

“Casanova,” says Mondo.

“Peach,” says Casanova. “For me, Peach should be win. That is the best garment I ever see from her.”

I could die from the cuteness of it all.

Okay, off to the victory waiting chamber for them, time to pay the piper for Team NotAwesome.

“Who is the weakest link?” asks Heidi.

“We all tried really hard,” Gretchen says. “I just hope you can be mindful of that when you make the decision you make. I don’t think there was a weak link. We all tried really hard. I just really want you think about that. We all did the best we could for each other, for ourselves and you!”

This little speech renders her fellow team members overcome with emotion. AJ’s knees buckle, he is so moved, he can barely stand without collapsing. Team NotAwesome is practically weeping over this display of unity.

It’s at this moment, it occurs to me that Gretchen actually believes that they still have a chance to win. That the judges will be swayed by her logic, moved by her passion, touched by her team’s brave display of loyalty—and that they will change their minds:

“Team Suck, our bad. We’ve changed our minds,” they will announce to the losers in the Green Room, who will handle it well as they are comfortable with defeat. “We thought you guys did the better job, but now that we’ve spoken to Gretchen, if we are truly being mindful, we must admit that an error was made.”

Once the dim realization that no such reversal is coming, Gretchen tries a different tact.

“Can I say one last thing? I ask you to be mindful of who you want to see more from,” she says, adding half-heartedly. “We stand united.”

Oh, to have screen caps of the looks on the judges faces. Disgust doesn’t quite do it justice.

“Quite frankly, fashion is a tough competitive business,” says Michael Kors. Translation: Enough of this kumbayah shit.

The judges explain what they hate about the collection:

“With cohesiveness, you lost individuality and flair,” says guest judge Georgina Chapman.

“Almost every outfit has a proportion problem. it has no sex appeal, no design. The colors are ghastly,” says Nina.

“You’re team luxe and I don’t get any luxe at all,” says Michael Kors.

“This look is the worst,” says Heidi of Ivy’s look.

“It’s a Golden Girl vest with granny shorts,” says Kors. “Its unfortunate.”

They also call out of the horrible styling.

And all of a sudden, Gretchen has changed her tune.

“I knew we had a granny moment. I’ll take credit for styling it,” she says. “But maybe I realized that I was styling a crappy collection.”

“A minute ago you loved it!” says Heidi.

And now they’re all singing like jaybirds.

“I do have to say that out of the group, Michael’s technical skills were the weakest,” says Gretchen.

“Michael has immunity,” Heidi points out. But the designers, initially hoping that Project Runway would have its first judgment reversal, now seem to actually think that they’ll abolish immunity, just this once.

“Michael had not the strongest skills,” says Christopher. (Oh, did he not?)

“I agree with my team members,” says Andy. “Michael had the least amount of skill sets.”

“Michael HAS IMMUNITY,” Heidi repeats. Thank God she is there.

“Someone’s going down,” helpfully adds Michael Kors.

“It’s not my time,” says Gretchen, beginning to fully accept the gravity of the situation. “I really feel like Michael was our weakest link.”

“And I don’t know if it was laziness or ignorance,” says Ivy. (Really Ivy? That’s your contribution to this discussion?)

Folks, give it up! Michael C is not going home!

“We’re going to have a little chat,” says Heidi. “Or a big one.” Heh.

And with that, the team formerly known as Team Awesome skulks off the stage with their tails between their legs.

“Wow,” says Nina Garcia. Pretty much sums it up.

So they deliberate. And call the designers back on stage.

Casanova wins!

Hooray! (His looks wasn’t my favorite. I actually preferred April’s design. But those pants were pretty fab.)

And then it comes down to AJ and Gretchen for elimination.

Oh, the dramah.

For a brief moment, I actually think that Gretchen might be going home.

After all, they made it clear to her that past performance would not be a factor in the judging. And she WAS the ringleader of suck.

But it’s AJ. A shame. Kid had potential.

It’s very awkward backstage, because Michael C is crying and no one is comforting him and AJ is bumming that he didn’t go out on his terms.

“I would’ve felt better if I had left for something that was my point of view,” he says.

Tim comes by for his usual “time to pack up your work station blah blah blah” moment. Except that’s not what happens.

Because Tim Gunn, ladies and gentlemen, is pissed.

“I don’t get your behavior, demeanor and affect on the runway,” he says. “I don’t understand why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control and bully you. I don’t understand it!”

Gretchen’s mouth drops open. She’s having a David at the Dentist moment: Is this real life?

Yes, Gretchen. This is real life and Tim Gunn just called you OUT.

“AJ you’ve taken the bullet and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space,” says Tim. He is not a happy man right now.

The good news is, this whole experience was very humbling for Gretchen. She really got some perspective on herself, her need for control, her over-confidence, her disregard for others. She’s truly going to turn over a new leaf.

As if.

“I was just trying to help,” she says. “In the end, AJ said he wanted to make a shirt dress. It didn’t have to be a boring shirt dress.”

In other words, if he’d just been a bit more mindful, he might still be in the competition.