Feels Like The Devil is Really After Me: The ANTM recap

Ah, the dreaded ANTM on-screen consolation prize. It’s when two models who had heretofore gotten zero screen time are suddenly featured players. It’s Top Model’s version of “don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
This week, of course, it was the fate that befell Janet and Ambreal.
As for Janet, sorry to say, I didn’t really care. Maybe she lost me at “simulated bikini wax.” Maybe it was just because I thought she looked more “surprisingly attractive soccer mom” than “next face of fashion.” Whatever the case, when the editors had essentially booked her ticket to the final two in the first five minutes of the show (as she yammered on about her curvy body type and what slobs her housemates were)—I just couldn’t bring myself to give a darn.
But what about my Ambreal? It was just last week that I pronounced she was my new ANTM bff. And all of a sudden she’s . . . singing? Saying things like, “I’m feeling really confident, it’s my time to shine!” Showing personality?
I’m yelling at my TV, “Nooooo. Step away from the cameraman, Ambreal! Run for your life!”
But of course, this was mere speculation on my part— mind-numbingly obvious speculation—but speculation nonetheless. We still had a 45 more minutes of show to watch.
And, what’s this? Heather being catty? Saying things like, “Ebony needs work all around.” Dropping phrases like “slammin’ body”? Holding court with her snarky—but surprisingly accurate—contestant analysis? Kiddo, if you keep getting in touch with your inner diva, your unstoppable reign as the Cover Girl of the Week may be in jeopardy.
Next, onto some zany trampoline challenge with Benny Ninja (does anyone else find him as charm-free and useless as I do? I prefer the Twirl Twins), that Ambreal completely owned. (Maybe she will be okay, after all?).
Then it’s time for Icecapades with my beloved Danielle (squee!) and some editor of Seventeen who is not Atoosa Rubenstein and who is trying way too hard with a cropped leather jacket thingy.
The deal was, they were supposed to be lifted in the air by a male skater (with a really unfortunate patch of doody beard on his chin) while projecting an emotion
Here’s my analysis of the emotion they actually projected vs. the one they were supposed to project.

Janet
Was supposed to project: Anger
Did project: Constipation

Jeneh
Was supposed to project: Sorrow
Did project: High school yearbook photo

Sarah
Was supposed to project: Anger
Did project: Rigor mortis

Chantal
Was supposed to project: Joy
Did project: Something stuck in her teeth

Heather
Was supposed to project: Anger
Did project: Seizure victim

And so on. . .

Actually, I thought Bianca’s joy was by far the best. It actually looked joyful (not crazed, like Saleisha’s joy.)
As for Lisa’s winning emotion “sorrow”? Suffice it to say, the Oscar for over-acting goes to Lisa. (Not to be confused with the Oscar for Worst Acting in a Commercial by a Spokesmodel in the History of TV and Probably the History of Acting, which goes to Jaslene. Can someone please tell her that shouting her lines does not make them any more believable?) But damn Lisa looked good in that Seventeen shoot with “Dani” (when did she lose the “elle” by the way?).

Onto my favorite Bianca Bitchtastic Moment of the Week ™ which was said to Lisa after the photo shoot: “Is that makeup making you break out?”
Ha! Bianca. Love ya girl. Don’t change.

Then there was the silly gargoyle photo shoot on the roof, which led to Ambreal, who is afraid of heights, to utter the line in my title. (Honey, it ain’t the devil rocking your world, it’s one Ms. Tyra Banks.)

Finally, onto judges panel, where Miss J has some sort of expanding afro thing happening. This week he looks like none other than Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington from Welcome Back Kotter. I kept expecting him to drop a “Hi there.”

So the usuals looked great:
Jeneh, Lisa, Heather.
Gorgeous Bianca took her best pic ever (usually she just looks pissed) as did always-on-the-verge-of-toppling-over Ebony, who stuns with her ability to re-animate in front of the camera.
Lisa had a little Tyra-prompted breakdown that left Bianca smirking with glee. And Tyra told her to “never dull your shine.” And Miss J said that all the other models were just hatin’.
Then it came down to the bottom two. Shocker! Ambreal and Janet, our two suddenly ready for primetime players.
Whew! Ambreal is safe. Janet goes home.
Next week, Ambreal, stick to the sidelines, my child. It’ll be much easier on both of us.

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