Lifetime Sentence: The Project Runway recap

I had assumed that when Lifetime began airing Project Runway, they would do everything to reassure us that everything was going to be okay. That the host would be the same, that Tim Gunn would be the same, and that the judges would be the same. For those of us who were anxious, sweaty-palmed, and ill-at-ease, Lifetime would make the transition as smooth and painless as possible. . .
Well, I’M NOT REASSURED, PEOPLE!!!

Seriously, who were those judges? It’s bad enough that Michael Kors has been AWOL for the past two weeks, now they give us no Nina Garcia, too? I half-expected Heidi Klum to be replaced by Elle MacPherson and Tim Gunn to be replaced by Regis Philbin.

And can we talk about this exchange between bug-eyed “celebrity stylist” Jennifer Rade (a dead ringer for the lead singer of Betty for you L Word fans) and “official hot contestant” Logan.

Jennifer (lasciviously): You’re really cute. I like your pants and sneakers.

Logan (embarrased, yet opportunistic): I hope that helps me.

Jennifer (honestly): It does. For sure.

Umm, what? You’re hot, therefore you get to stay in the competition? Didn’t anyone explain to “celebrity stylist” Jennifer Rade that that’s kind of against the rules—of life? Can we make some sort of citizen’s arrest here? (Do fashion police have any actual authority?)

Luckily for Logan—and celebrity stylist Jennifer Rade for that matter—Qristyl with a Q and an I and a Y truly did deserve the boot for her moribund black party dress—but I’ve got my eye on you, Rade.

And while I’m bitching, let me add this: The contestants are serious duds this year. There, I said it.

I thought Johnny would be fabulously neurotic, but instead, he’s just neurotic. I thought Althea would be a wind dancing earth-child, instead she’s just a little spacey. I thought Christopher would be the righteous autodidact from hell, instead he seems to have forgotten that he learned to make dresses using moonshine, straw, and potato sacks. Frankly, I couldn’t pick Irina, Gordana, or Carol Hannah out of a police lineup—and I doubt you could either. Louise seems to carry all her personality in her glasses and hair.

Is it possible that, after 6 seasons of Project Runway, all of the talented, larger-than-life design personalities have been used up already? Have we reached a tipping point in the reality TV design show world? Perish the thought.

This week's challenge was pretty lame, too. I mean, past contestants have had to design for moms, trannies, and fatties and this gang has to design for models? Which is different from the way they usually design how? Oh, riiiight. This time the models are their clients, not their mannequins. But P.S., stay true to yourself and design exactly what you want, or otherwise, you’ll end up like Logan, needing to be saved by a pair of tight silver pants on the runway.

(Did you also notice that the designers literally have no idea what they’re talking about? Both Althea and Epperson’s outfits were singled out by contestants for being hideous. Both ended up in the Top Four.)

(Oh, and while I’m bitching: The Lifetime website loads really slow on my Mac. . . )

(Also, I’m out of milk. . . )

Sigh. I suppose the episode wasn’t a complete loss.

First, shirtless Logan lived up to my expectations. (Maybe there’s hope for Lifetime yet?)

Second, it was cute when Epperson was talking to his family and then crying as he sewed his dress. (In the immortal words of Zulema: “I don’t care if you gotta cry. But cry and cut.” Now Zulema, that girl had personality.)

Althea thinking a smoking jacket was a “cigarette jacket” wasn’t so much interesting as sad, but she is adorable, in a Kirsten Dunst kind of way and I loved her winning suit.

And there ya go.

We won’t have Qristyl with a Q and an I and a Y to kick around anymore. I guess by next week, I’ll have to find someone else to make fun of. Seriously, what kind of name is Epperson anyway?

Hilarious Lifetime programming I won’t be watching this week ™: Project Runway? (Okay, now I’m just being melodramatic. I know, I know. Take a Midol.)