Let's just call this episode what it was, okay? The Victor and Bert show, a.k.a. the buddy film they're playing at the cineplex in hell. You didn't know which villain to root for. It was like watching Alien vs. Predator. Or the Republican national debate.
But let's rewind a bit.
First off, I should apologize to Fallene. Last week, I selected Josh, the curiously heterosexual Mormon as my favorite and he got the Klum double kiss-off. This week, I selected Fallene as my new favorite and, well, er. . .. Suffice it to say, I’m 2 for 2 at this point.
Maybe I should select Viktor as my new favorite.
Poor Fallene. She’s really living the nightmare, isn’t she? She probably tried out for Project Runway on a lark, thinking it would be a good learning experience, maybe something to grow on. Then—holy shit!—she got on the show. Then she found out that she needed to know stuff (about sewin’ and fabric grains and the like) and all she wanted to do was paste barfing clowns on her garments and call it a day. Then she cried but no one comforted her. Well, Tim Gunn tried, but he’s not a warm, soft grandmotherly type with folds of skin you can get lost in who always has a tissue and a mint. He’s more like a reassuring, “tut-tut,” “buck up” pat-you-on-the-shoulder kind of fellow. And then she was partnered with Blayne who basically hated her guts and blamed (or should I say blaymed?) her for everything. And then she got sent home in shame. Yeah, I’ve seriously had nightmares like this.
So to start the show, Heidi comes strutting onto the runway in a pair of giant stilts and I’m struck by 2 things:
a. She is working those stilts!
b. Proportionally speaking, she doesn’t look that off. Models already have long, stick-like, vaguely inhuman legs, so there isn’t as much cognitive dissonance going on here as one might expect (or hope.)
But then a bunch more models come out in stilts, and all the designers freak out like it’s some sort of zombie attack.
“For your next challenge, we want you to think outside the box,” says Heidi (everybody drink!). “We want you to create a look that is eye-catching, challenging, and truly larger than life.” (See what she did there?)
Yup, in teams of 2, they’ll be designing a garment for models on stilts. Or, let’s just call it what it is: August 11, 2011: The day Project Runway officially ran out of ideas.
As I already mentioned, Bert and Viktor are a team and Viktor, well, let’s just say he isn’t shy about expressing his displeasure over this fact.
“My heart dropped,” he says to Heidi. In front of Bert. (And this, sadly, was the highlight of their creative pairing.)
Anthony and Laura
Joshua and Julie (lolz)
Danielle and Cecilia
Anya and Olivier (dream team alert!)
Kimberly and Becky
and, last—and decidedly least—Bryce and Fallene.
To Mood they go, and we get our first glimpse at Swatch, the awesomely stylish Mood dog, who probably has a Facebook fan page at this point and if he doesn’t, I may have to start one.
At Mood, Bert picks such a truly ugly fabric I wonder if he might actually be sabotaging Viktor. (Does he not realize that his own immunity only lasted one week? Does he not understand the rules? Or does he really just have THAT bad taste?).
Back at the studio, Viktor and Bert have the same discussion over and over again:
Viktor: *Says something seriously ignorant and misinformed.*
Bert: You, sir, are seriously ignorant and misinformed.
Victor: Well, you’re mean and immature! *Storms out in a huff.*
Bert: I know you are, but what am I?
And on and on it goes.
First, Viktor says that their model should sport a pair of Mae-West-style pants. And Bert’s all like, “Yeah, Mae West never wore a pair of pants in her life, you dolt.”
And then Viktor says they should do something sexy, like Queen Victoria. And Bert says, “Yeah, Queen Victoria was in mourning for 40 years and is pretty much the opposite of sexy, you rube.”
And then Viktor tries to describe the kind of awesome, Queen Victoria-esque look he has in mind with tall collars and ornate ruffles and bright colors and Bert is all, “Yeah, that’s Queen Elizabeth, you troglodyte.”
Oh old people and their pesky facts. Always getting in the way of a good idea.
Meanwhile, there are other contestants, too, as far as I could tell.
The problems of Blayne and Fallene have already been well-documented, although something tells me that her off-grain corset was probably better than the “tank top that Kim Kardashian wears to sleep” look that Blayne cooked up in a last minute panic, but we’ll never know for sure. . .
Also, Fallene saying that she feels there’s a “black cloud over her,” while sitting under a giant, poofy black tutu is one of the best visual jokes on Project Runway ever. So good for her. . .
Crunchy Julie thinks that she and divalicious Josh are getting along fine, until he makes the Mr. Burns “I want to strangle you” gesture behind her back and she kind of catches a glimpse of it, but politely pretends not to notice.
Runway day—outdoors! at Battery Park!—and Viktor is decked out in a piped blazer with shorts and patent-leather blue shoes and if he thinks he’s doing “the Mondo” he should think again. (Viktor’s outfit wouldn’t even register on the Mondo’s Awesomely Mondolicious Outfit of the Day ™ scale.)
The guest judge, as I hinted at before, is noted fashion icon Kim Kardashian. (What, was Snooki not available?) Keep it klassy, Project Runway. Keep it klassy.
I must confess that there is something a bit nightmarish about these models staggering down the runway in stilts, like something out of a Guy Maddin film. (That was for my Canadian reader
They're back on the usual runway for judging. Olivier and Anya are declared safe, which is good for them, but has to rate as a disappointment, considering they’re the Dream Team and all.
The Top 3 teams are:
Anthony and Laura with their gorgeous red feathered concoction.
Becky and Kimberly, who went for the punk glamazon look and I loved it.
Danielle and Cecilia, who fought chiffon and actually won. (Sadly, they also fought the Garnier hair stylist, and he won.)
Bottom 3 are:
Bert and Viktor (shocker!) with their “wallpaper and curtains at a tacky catering hall”-MK.
Joshua and Julie, with their “Wonder Woman as reimagined by Ernest Hemingway”-maxthegirl
Fallene and Bryce, for the saddest tutu of them all.
The judges assess the Top 3 first and backstage Josh makes this observation: “Who’s back here? Costume, costume, and costume. Who’s on the stage? Ready to wear, ready to wear, ready to wear.”
(It’s season 9, buddy. You’re just now figuring this out?)
So Anthony and Laura win, which I’m cool with, but Anthony graciously gives the credit to Laura, which is confusing because it’s obviously much more his creation than hers. . .If I didn’t know better, I’d say this guy was missing a ball! (Still too soon?). Anyway, Laura gets immunity.
The bottom 3 teams come out and there’s this hilarious moment where Kim Kardashian, addressing Team Bert and Viktor, says: “It almost looks like The Sound of Music when they took off the curtains and made their clothes.” And if she had only quit while she was ahead it might’ve actually been an apt thing to say, but she had to add: “Like Marie Antoinette days.”
And you can see that Bert is dying to correct her. Just dying. But he somehow manages to hold his tongue.
So Bert is in and it comes down to Bryce, Fallene, and Viktor.
And Fallene is . . .OUT.
She has Fallene, and she can’t get up.
Next time I go to Denver, I am totally getting my haircut by her. (And giving her a hug.)