Breast Intentions: The Project Runway recap

The bulbous creature emerged from the deep, approaching slowly and ominously. Would it suffocate him? Swallow him whole? Suck out his very soul? As it oozed closer, inch by inch, it was clear that this amorphous blob-like creature was, in fact, a woman’s breast. “Make it work!” the breast screamed.

And then Olivier woke up.

So there was a bit of a fakeout this week on Project Runway. First, the designers thought they were going to have to make menswear. Worse still, menswear for regular guys, with guts and beards and funny hair.  (Actually, that was all embodied by one guy.)

But, turns out, they weren’t designing for the dudes at all, but their significant others—all women, by the way (it was like a Breeders Convention broke out in the studio this week). (Although I do question the orientation of the “too fashionable to actually have sex” couple that Viktor was teamed with. I think they just read Dwell magazine to each other on their iPads and call it a night.)

This was actually an intriguing challenge on several fronts: Would the guys have even a clue as to what their better halves wanted? Would the designers be encouraged to do a bunch of “naughty candy striper” outfits? And how do you solve a problem like. . .breasts?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for this week’s episode, the contestants were forced to confront something that no self-respecting designer of women’s apparel should ever have to deal with: I am referring, of course, to the female breast.

“I don’t like women having boobs,” Olivier admitted. “I just want them to be flat. I think it distracts from the whole design.”

And his client, Suzanne, didn’t just have any old boobs. She had some sort of foreign, mysterious, possibly fatal condition known as “Double Ds.”

So Olivier turned to the foremost authority on women’s breasts: Tim Gunn.

“What do I know about it?” Tim said, practically recoiling at the very thought. “I just know it’s a bra size. I don’t have any personal experience, Olivier.”

“Those boobs to me are trouble,” Olivier sighed.

(When I do my Olivier-based comic book, Boob Man, in which he sports a taupe-colored cape and saves the world from mammaries, that can be his catch phrase.)

Not to be outdone, Bert’s guy, Anthony, is also a breast man. I mean, to the point where he might need some sort of clinical intervention.

“What initially drew you to your wife?” Bert asked.

“Her breasts,” Anthony replied.

“And what do you love about your wife?”

“Her breasts.”

“And what do you and your wife talk about over dinner?”

“Her breasts.”

“And what color was George Washington’s white horse?”

“Her breasts.”
 (Come to think of it, this might be Boob Man’s first case!)

But while Bert kinda rolled with the punches (he actually thought Anthony was a hooter.  . I mean a hoot), Olivier was positively flummoxed, not just by Suzanne’s breasts, but by her general demeanor: brassy, bold, pushy, your basic New Yawk nightmare. And hubby Jeff wasn’t exactly shy either. They were convinced that Olivier’s pants were giving her an atomic wedgie and they were not. letting. it. go.

Then again, Olivier is easily rattled. In fact, these are the things that upset Olivier, not necessarily in this order:

1. Color

2. Loud noises

3. Laughter

4. Human interaction

5. Running

6. Breasts

So poor Olivier was practically cowering in the corner. Several times he was forced to hide behind his changing screen just to collect himself.

“They confuse me,” he moaned. “I just want some quietness.”

While it’s true that this week’s episode was mostly about boobs, it wasn’t only about boobs. There were other issues that emerged. Like thighs. (Heh.)

For example, you’ll never guess (no, seriously, never ever) who said this:

“Sometimes simplicity is beautiful and high fashion.”

Okay, I don’t have several millennia to wait, so time’s up: It was Josh. (I know, right?)

Turns out, his client wanted something simple and elegant and our little Browed Bedazzler was up to the task. I really didn’t think he had it in him.

Then there was poor Bryce (actually, when one mentions Bryce, “poor” is already implied) who was freaking out because his client liked pink. Bryce was convinced that, while his dress was all kinds of awesome, the whole pink thing was going to be the death of him.

(Cut to Heidi on the runway during judging: “The only thing I liked about your dress was the color.” Naturally.)

Anthony had a cute relationship with his clients, the missing Allman brother (and the gutted, bearded, funnily-haired guy mentioned above) and his hipster-bumpkin girlfriend. But maybe he had too good a relationship with them? They pretty much designed the dress for him—to replace a dress that Not!Allman had lost at the airport—and, suffice it to say, they don’t design real good.

As for Viktor, he could not have been more simpatico with his effete, fashion-forward clients—ironic eyewear for everyone!—to the point that she was practically wearing the exact same skirt he was designing for her. (And who else was surprised to discover that she was a lawyer? I was sure she was some sort of Swedish electro-pop sensation, a la Robyn.)

Runway time. Guest judge is Malin Ackerman, who may not be particularly—what’s the word I’m looking for?—“famous,” but was in one of my favorite shows of all time ( The Comeback) so will always have a special place in my heart.

Down the runway they come!

I love the way these women worked the runway. They were so damn cute. (Although Viktor’s girl was doing some sort of robotic catwalk thing that confused me. That kind of stuff may play well in the courtroom—or on Eurovision—but it doesn’t play well on Project Runway, young lady.)

As for the dresses. . .I hate to agree with the judges so much, but their Top 3—Joshua, Viktor, and Anya—were also my Top 3.  And their bottom 3—Bert, poorBryce, and Anthony. . . yeah, hard to argue there, too.

Everyone loved Anya’s dress. She apparently achieved the chupacabra of fashion design: The so-called gallerina dress (i.e., a dress perfectly suited for a gallery opening.) But there was some debate over the one billowy sleeve, especially since the client had such toned arms.

“Maybe she only likes one of her arms,” Michael Kors offered.

Viktor’s little getup was also deemed near perfection, but perhaps overly accessorized. I dunno. I loved the little clutch he made, plus the necklace. And are sunglasses really an accessory? I mean, technically yes, I suppose. But not in the “remove one accessory before you leave the house” sort of way, right? (Have you ever known a woman to say: “I can’t wear the necklace, the earrings and the sunglasses. It’s all too much!!” Me neither.)

Josh’s dress is deemed a modern Grace Kelly.

“I’m shocked you didn’t bedazzle her,” Heidi said.

“I wanted to, so, so bad,” Josh said.

We know, Josh. We know. . . strength!

As for the bottom 3. . .

Bert’s dress was, “a little tight, a little short, a little shiny,” according to Nina Garcia.

Bryce’s dress has these massive, utility pockets. Because nothing says flirty and fun like a hammer in your pocket.

Anthony created either a grandma dress or a cheerleader dress or a super hero ice skater dress, depending on who you ask. But no matter how you describe it, it was not very good.

And the winner is. . .Josh! I’m sure this will inspire him to really tone down his act and be tasteful and elegant from this day forward. . .and I also have some really good swamp land to sell you in Florida.

(Also, how bout that full-on handspring he did behind the screen? He’s so unexpectedly . . . sporty.)

And the loser is . . . poorBryce, finally put out of his misery.

Tim Gunn: “What are we going to do without you, Bryce?”

Home viewing audience: "Wait. . .remind us again who Bryce is?"