Remember that old joke about the missing dog poster?
LOST: Dog with 3 legs, castrated; no tail, & only 1 ear, brown color with bad case of mange, blind & almost deaf. Answers to the name LUCKY
Yeah, that was pretty much Kimberly this week.
First she got paired in the head-to-head challenge against Viktor, who is both a legend in his own mind and, sadly, in actual life.
Then her fabric got a stain on it.
Then she was attacked by a giant cockroach.
Then she sewed through her finger.
Then she burnt her fabric with a glue gun.
The she ugly-cried in the bathroom.
Then she shared the sad story of her mother dying when she was just 17.
Make it stop!!!
But how did it come to this?
Well, the show starts with Heidi telling the “sewtestants” (credit: EddietheDad) that, this week, “we really want you to spread your wings.”
Naturally, they assume skydiving.
“What does skydiving have to do with fashion?” one of them muses. (You’d think that would be their first clue that the challenge was, in fact, NOT skydiving-related. No one said this was a pack of mensas.)
“My wings are spread, girl,” Viktor says sassily. Then he adds, inexplicably, “I’m just playin’.”
(If Viktor had a character named after him on Saturday Night Live, it would be: “Not Nearly As Sassy As He Thinks He Is Guy.” Or if he had an illness, it would called: “Seasonal Sass Disorder.”)
In fact, the wings are a reference to exotic birds, not skydiving. They are put in pairs and each assigned a bird to inspire their design.
Anya and Laura get the raven. (Go Ravens!) (Sorry. Force of habit.)
Viktor and Kimberly get the cockatoo. (Heh heh. She said “cockatoo”).
Bert and Josh, who are besties now (when did that happen? I do NOT approve!) get the Amazon parrot.
Everyone is hugging because togetherness is so awesome, but then Tim Gunn drops the bomb: They will not be working as a team, but going AGAINST each other head-to-head. Oh noes!
(I’ve never seen embraces turn into stinkeyes so fast.)
Off to Mood they go, where Josh is seen licking the fabric. Yes, licking the fabric. (Swatch is all like, “Don't knock it til you've tried it.")
Bert is having a hard time getting inspiration because he thinks his parrot has a questionable taste level.
They go back to the studio and Kimberly’s little mini-drama has already started and then Tim comes in and says gather round.
Yup, they now have to make a second high fashion look inspired by their bird (which is a lame surprise challenge, frankly.)
Back to Mood. Back to the studio. Attack of the killer cockroach, which Anya kills with her heel, Lara Croft Tomb Raider-style, according to Josh. Heh.
Speaking of Anya, can we take a moment to pay homage to her bold jewelry choices? I’m afraid to wear a too-chunky ring and girl has a pair of earrings that look like bicycle wheels and a necklace that looks like a glockenspiel.
I am in awe of her fierceness.
So Tim comes in and gives Kimberly one of his patented Tim pep talks, but she’s having none of it.
“I’m just having one of those days,” she sighs.
“I’m coming around. You need a hug.” (Oh, Tim.)
She decides to scrap her second dress completely, and is left with 3 hours to make a new one.
“I’m going to have to pull an Anya and go from tragedy to triumph,” she says. But will she succeed? (Spoiler alert to infinity: They always do.)
Then Tim walks up to the hot, feathered mess that Josh is designing and says, “Qu’est-ce que c’est?”
“What’s guess-ke-say?” Josh asks. (Oy.)
Bert laughs and laughs, because when he and Tim Gunn were lads, French was so NOT an elective.
It’s really no surprise that Josh has created a dress that looks like Carmen Miranda mated with the love child of Big Bird and Cher. This exotic bird challenge was basically begging for trouble.
Still, his second look, a bright orange draped cocktail dress, is gorgeous. It’s amazing how talented Josh can be when he holds back. (Of course, later he has to go add a “Caribbean party corsage” (™ Michael Kors) to that same dress. . . but that’s our boy.)
So Joshua decides to scrap the “guess-ke-say” dress and asks Anya if he can use some of her extra fabric and she basically lies and tells him that she might need it later.
“Her true colors are coming through,” snips Josh.
(In truth, everyone is getting a wee bit more competitive at this stage in the competition, as it should be. We’re down to the final 6. )
Viktor’s ego continues to be the Thing That Ate Parsons. He’s now convinced that Kimberly is copying his one-shoulder gown concept. Little man, get over yourself.
Tim comes back. More gathering around.
“You may want to put those scissors down Laura,” he says. (Yikes! He’s afraid she might STAB him?)
New wrinkle: The designers can only send ONE look down the runway. Hello? Didn’t he just ask them to make a second look? Apparently, this is a lesson in “editing.”
“In the real world, fashion designers must edit their collections,” Tim says. Also, in the real world, we have an hour and a half to kill on the show.
This whole editing thing works out great for some designers (Kimberly!) and not so great for others, like Anya, who already had two great looks.
Decisions, decisions. . .
Guest judge is Francisco Costa of Calvin Klein, who basically looks like a villain in a Bond film.
First, Anya and Laura go head-to-head.
Anya chose the more sculptural of her two outfits, a gamble that clearly paid off. (Just LOOK at that thing, above.)
“It’s my favorite outfit that you have produced so far,” says Nina. “You moved away from your comfort zone. It’s modern, dramatic, just great.” (Little did she know that Anya’s model was trapped in it, straightjacket style. But why quibble?)
Meanwhile, they like Laura’s outfit well enough, but think she went a little crazy with the birdseed.
“It’s too birdy,” says Heidi.
Next, Honey Badger vs. Twinky Bear (aka Bert vs. Joshua)
Bert made another one of his fugly, shiny, snakeskin monstrosities. God, I like Bert but I hate almost everything he produces.
The judges felt it didn’t capture the joy or exuberance of the bird, what Bert called “this dumpy little parrot.”
As for Joshua, well. . .you know the drill: Perfect dress. Tacky corsage detail that nearly ruins it. Nearly.
Next, Kimberly vs. Viktor
“I want to beat Viktor so bad,” admits Kimberly. “He’s been put on this pedestal, so to beat him would be major.”
The judges like both one-shoulder dresses but think that Kimberly’s is a little more fabulous.
(They also seem to be giving her credit for whipping it up in 3 hours. Fair?)
“Viktor’s is impeccable. I just liked yours more,” says Heidi.
The judges have a little chat and the “clear winner” is. . .ANYA.
Josh comes in second and immediately starts sulking in the Green Room. He’s so incensed, he can’t even sit next to Anya.
“Her model had to be cut out of the garment following the runway show,” he grouses.
Then he goes into this whole rant about how Anya “definitely has some sort of strategy for this game.”
(Yeah, Josh, it’s called BEING AWESOME).
Viktor is in.
And it comes down to Honey Badger vs. Laura, she of the magically disappearing and reappearing bangs. (Did anyone else notice that?).
And Honey Badger—who had been less Honey Badger lately and more like your mother’s loveable “confirmed bachelor” friend “Uncle Bert”— is OUT.
So Bert goes backstage and says goodbye to the gang. Then he shares a few more educational anecdotes about rotary phones and Betamaxes and Nolan Miller and calls it a day.