Put a Tibia On It! My Project Runway recap

Here's to good frenemies

Let’s start with my continued frustration over the Fan Favorite Vote.

Look, I don’t mean to get all grassy knolly about Elena being in the lead, but she’s not just winning at this point, she’s running away with the damn thing! (She has 42 percent of the vote; the next closest, Melissa, has 19).

Suck it, haters!

Has anyone gone all CSI on this shit? Has the State Department been notified? Cause this is as shady as a voter ID law in Pennsylvania.

But I digress:
It’s Win a Dream Date With Tim Gunn week, a.k.a. hometown visits. And while I admit nothing will ever top eventual winner Leanne doing a veritable rom-com montage with Mr. Tim on a bicycle built for two, this is still a pretty weak showing.

We start out at the home of Christopher in Massapequa, Long Island. (As an Oceanside girl myself, all I can say is: What up, Lawng Island? How yew doin’?)

I always thought that Christopher had a slightly yiddishkeit intonation to his one-liners and now I know why: In Massapequa the Jews and Italians live and work as one.

Jewtalians!

So Christopher’s print is inspired by his mother’s bunion surgery or somethin, which is as weird and gross as it sounds.

I like the bony print in abstract, but when he just plants a skeleton of a foot on a skirt, I’m not so sure. (Is Put a Tibia On It the new Put a Bird On It? Discuss among yourselves.)

But he does have a stunning gown, a cool color palette, and this one sort of impeccable coat dress thing.

Tim is fingering a leather mini skirt on his rack. (Heh heh. I said "fingering.")

“Oh, I destroyed that,” Christopher sighs. He thinks his attempt to bleach the leather was a bust, but Tim says it adds an edgy element of surprise. In fact, Tim thinks Christopher should treat all his leather that way.

As always, Tim’s advice is spot-on.

“You should feel great about where you are,” Tim says. “You now have me extremely excited.”

Elena approves!

Then, everyone—including Christopher’s mom and dad, his two sisters and his boyfriend—convenes on the couch for a chat and it reminds me so much of the hometown visits on The Bachelor that I half expect Christopher’s dad to take Tim in the other room and ask him what his intentions are toward his son.

Also, did Christopher’s boyfriend get the short end of the stick or what? He barely had a speaking part—blink and you missed the poor shlub.

Next up, Fabio in NYC.

So Tim has a mixed reaction to Fabio’s collection.

He likes the pastel tones (that makes one of us!) but is baffled by a pair of pants that looks like long johns and Fabios’s clunky platform boots.

“I’m baffled and confused,” Tim says. “It’s malarkey!” he adds. (Or maybe that was Joe Biden; I was flipping back and forth to the debate.)

Then everyone, including Fabio’s Brazilian mother and his boyfriend (who gets a lot more face time), sits on the couch and eats lunch. (If I had Tim Gunn over to my apartment and he was forced to eat lunch while balancing a paper plate on his lap I would just die.)

Elena finds this "gauche"

Next up: Jersey City for Dmitry.

I could cry for poor Dmitry, who has no family, no girlfriend, just an (admittedly sweet) friend’s apartment that he’s staying in.

This ends up with a poignant final scene on the balcony with Tim and Dmitry eating cookies out of a box and drinking tea. I swear, it’s like a scene from some depressing Russian art film.

Anyway,  Dmitry’s collection is all angles and cut-outs and very Power Bitch and, well, Dmitry. I really can’t stand his clothing, but I understand that what he does he does extremely well.

Finally, Melissa in San Francisco.

“It’s a reward in itself just to have Tim Gunn come to your house,” Melissa says. Word.

Tim likes her collection, which is very her—in other words, mostly black and white, with tall collars.

If you ever have a chin zit, Melissa's collars have got you covered

“You have an aura about you that says, I know what I’m doing and I stand behind this,” Tim says. Huh. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Then, because this hometown visit thing has basically been like a series of really bad home movies, the Project Runway producers attempt to “jazz things up” by having Melissa’s family take Tim on a boat.

This probably seemed like a good idea at the time, except everyone’s hair is getting whipped around and you can barely hear the voices over the wind. (This doesn’t apply to Tim, needless to say. His nattiness is impervious to the elements.)

Elena would've worn a hat!

Anyway, everyone is back in New York now, at the studio.

As always, they will show a mini collection to the judges to determine who will be moving on to Mercedes Fashion Week.

I love how they all assess each other’s collections, pretending to be curious/supportive, but secretly just hoping that their collection is better.

Melissa has her 85th crisis of conscience (5 more and she gets a free lunch!), when she decides that her collection is not as ambitious as the guys’.

Christopher is freaking out because he can’t figure out which 3 pieces to show the judges. (Spoiler alert: He makes the wrong choices.)

Fabio has stuck to his guns on the clunky boots. In fact,  he’s doubled down, adding brightly colored laces.

He decides to call the boots “Bean” (debate confusion again?)

Always good to keep a spare "design hat" on the table

Runway time.

The biggest WTF for me was Christopher’s collection.

Why, oh why, did he not pull out his show-stopping gown? This is not a time to lay-up, hold your cards close to your vest.

As Michael Kors said, “Today is the day, kids!”

Good call not to include this, Christopher

Instead, Christopher gave us leather hotpants and very basic, if cute, sportswear.

Look at your life, look at your choices

Dmitry’s collection was made of fug, but very Dmitry.

The only thing uglier than Dmitry's designs is Dmitry's shirt

Fabio’s collection looked like some weird cross between South Beach and the planet Xardar.

"Take me clubbing with your leader"

Melissa’s collection was cool, in that I’d wear it, but boring in that I’d seen it before. And Nina was right. Cut those sleeves girl. (But LOVED the crinkly leather clutches. NEED ONE NAO.)

Which one of these is not like the others? Trick question: They're all the same!

The assessment from the judges:
Fabio’s collection was cool, but needed to look more luxe.

Melissa’s collection needed a wow moment.

Dmitry’s styling needs a complete makeover.

Christopher forgot that this was a "design" competition.

Basically, nobody was great. And so, by each underperforming, they ALL get to advance to Fashion Week.

The most American ending of Project Runway EVER.

Two final, selfish thoughts:
Check out my new gig recapping Nashville over at Vulture, the coolest website on the planet.

If you can find it in your heart to send out a few positive vibes toward my beloved Os tonight, I’d be much obliged. We need all the mojo we can get.

Go Os!!!