Thursday, July 31, 2008

What a Gay Little Grommet: The Project Runway recap

Rain, it seems, is the great fashion equalizer. Even on Project Runway, the producers still resort to outfitting their cast in trash-bag-style ponchos in a rain storm. (All except Tim Gunn, of course, who wore a smartly fitted trench coat.)

So why were our little fashion warriors marching around NYC, hermetically sealed? They were on field trip to find inspiration in the Manhattan nightlife. (Not that there was much life out there—I thought they’d be photographing prostitutes, druggies, and Paris Hilton—but it was mostly just puddles and graffiti and wet magazines and stuff.)

Keith, we found out, is very competitive, Mormon, and gay. (Don’t laugh—that combination took Clay Aiken far .. .I kid, I kid.)

Stella, it seems, is so “rock and roll” she doesn’t know how to use a camera.

Stella also managed to be the first designer ever who didn’t know how to use Mood. “Who’s helping me?” she kept screaming at no one in particular. Meanwhile, Terri, who now has an actual speaking role (you go, girl!) was on the opposite end of Stella’s plaintive cries for help: “Give me three rolls and let’s bounce!” she said confidently when she spotted her perfect fabric. I’m sure, somewhere, off camera, Stella wanted to stab her with a grommet.

Back at the studio some truly horrible things occurred, mostly involving Blayne.

First, Blayne stared, bug-eyed, unblinking at Kenley, and it was the creepiest look in the history of looks. Kenley was amused at first, then concerned, and then genuinely afraid when Blayne said—and I wish I were kidding here—“I’m going to eat you.”
What was that? I mean, do people do that? Is that a thing? Even if there had been some sort of previous conversation between Kenley and Blayne, something along the lines of: “You know what would be funny? If we were at the studio and suddenly I stared at you like Children of the Corn and said, ‘I want to eat you.’” and Kenley said: “Oh yes, Blayne. That would be droll.” Even then it would’ve been bizarre. But the fact that this came out of nowhere—there are no words. (If Blayne had somehow managed to sport the plastic killer get-up that got Jerry auf’d in the premiere, I swear, I would’ve had nightmares for weeks.)

But Blayne was just getting started. Because an even scarier moment was about to take place: Tim Gunn learning how to say, “Holla at your boy.”
“What does it mean?” Tim Gunn asked.
Blayne, whose vocabulary is limited to catch phrases involving “licious,” answered thusly: “You know. It means, like, holla at your dog.”
Thank you, Oscar Wilde.
Somehow Tim figured out what it meant and tried it on for size. The producers, apparently, thought this was so charming, they even made it the poll question of the night: Should Tim Gunn replace “Make it work” with “Holla at your boy”? Remarkably, 13 percent of the Bravo viewers voted for Blayne’s horrid little catch phrase.

Other things I learned in the studio: Suede doesn’t just occasionally refer to himself in the third person. He always does. Even Terrell Owens occasionally drops in an “I” or a “me.” This is getting tiresome.

Also, had you heard? Stella likes leather. And “gay little grommets.” Also, she’s rock and roll. And here I thought Lilly Pulitzer was more her thing.

Finally, I learned that some people are fundamentally incapable of taking constructive criticism. Exhibit A: Emily.
When Tim Gunn saw her dress, he said the following: “It looks like a black dress with an oversized corsage.”
After he walked away, Emily said: “Tim gave me a mixed review.”

On the other hand, Tim also wasn’t too keen on Kenley’s dress—and I can kind of see why. I understand that it had a “point of view,” to me, it was just an ugly point of view. (As my friend Allison said, “goiter indeed.”) Shows what I know. And good on Kenley for ignoring Tim and sticking to her, uh, guns. She’s obviously an amazing artist—frankly I liked her photo more than her dress—with a strong voice and a winning, Veronica Lake-ish vibe. She’s my early favorite.

However, my favorite dress of the show belonged to Terri (yes, plucked from obscurity to be one of my new favorites). I just thought it was original and cool and, as Sandra Bernhard said, “Fierce!” (Speaking of Sandra, girl looked a little rough, huh? I mean, she was never a great beauty, but I could smell her bad plastic surgery all the way from Baltimore.)

I was also glad that cute little Leanne rallied with her amazing ribbon skirt.

I have NO idea why Stella keeps coasting by on her Hot Topic hot messes.

Frankly, I would’ve rather seen Jennifer get the boot for her frumpy “clock” dress, but Emily’s obtuseness did her in. Maybe you can ignore Tim when you’ve got mad skillz like Kenley. But Emily, you’re not Kenley. And as a result, you’re auf wieldel-licious.

1 comment:

David Dust said...

Hello Max!

I had NO IDEA about Clay Aiken! OMG!! Little old ladies will be SHOCKED to find out that Clay is ... a MORMON!

CLICK HERE for DavidDust's Project Runway recap.