Bronze Mettle: The Project Runway recap

Top 5 signs of Tan Withdrawal:
1. irritability
2. clamminess
3. hoodie abuse
4. Beatles amnesia
5. “licious”-based Tourrette’s

Despite the fact that tan-aholic Blayne clearly needs to be strapped to a bed and detoxed, kicking and screaming, like Leo in The Basketball Diaries, he should be happy. Because the show has a new villain!

No, it’s not the Competitive Mormon (isn’t that one of the Summer Games?). And it’s not Stella, although for those of you who already have a Stella drinking game—drink everytime Stella says she “loves leathah”—detox is probably in your future.

No, it’s the Token Straight Guy ™—Joe. Last season’s TSG was Kevin—and despite having the most elaborate facial hair every seen on a man who makes sweet love to the ladies—he was awesome and went home too soon. This season’s is Joe, and grrrrrrr, I don’t like this straight man one bit.

For starters, he was just a little too stoked about the challenge, which involved cutie-patootie Apollo Ohno and the Olympics. The designers were instructed to make outfits for the Opening Ceremony, that is, if Team U.S.A. were all 100 pounds and female (this would give us a marked disadvantage on the pommel horse). Most of the designers were hella freaked out, especially Stella, who was only slightly comforted when Tim pointed out some Soviet Block pole-vaulter in a fur and leather combo, and Daniel, who only does high glamour.

But not Joe. Nope, Joe does sportswear! This is Joe’s change to shine! This is Joe’s chance to make a skort!
“Let the fashion games begin!” he said. Twice. And I wrote in my notes: 2 point deduction for catch phrase abuse.

Back at the studio, Joe had a tizzy fit because Daniel rethreaded his sewing machine, or something. All I can say is, he shouldn’t be so mean to sweet little Daniel, who found the whole ordeal so terribly, terribly vexing. (For some reason, I slip into Evelyn Waugh speak when I talk about Daniel.)

And despite the fact that Daniel really hadn’t done anything, except look like a drowned Little Lord Fauntleroy, Joe decides to sum up the experience like this: “There’s too much drama because there are too many queens around here!” And I wrote in my notes: 2 point deduction for homophobia. (If you’re following at home, Joe now has a score of negative 5—I gave him one extra demerit for attempting to revive the skort.)

In a shocking development, Stella decided to sum up her patriotism with grommets and leather, creating one of the funnier exchanges of the day.
Tim Gunn (appalled): You’re using black?
Stella (nasal): Why. . .is it bad?
Tim Gunn (unconvincingly): I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m just inquiring. (feigned casualness): ‘You’re using black?’

But to be honest, Stella wasn’t the only designer who was done in by this challenge. Most seemed to connect the Olympic Opening Ceremonies with a Speakeasy circa 1930, for reasons never quite made clear. Also, note to Daniel and Kenley: Blue and purple—two totally different colors.

Another thing I noticed: They were spending a LOT of time with Korto on this show. We learned about her background, how she had to escape from a brutal regime in Liberia, and how she derives all her strength from her husband and family. And I thought, Uh oh. This could be a loser’s edit. . . .

But, quelle relief, turns out, it was the winner’s edit! I did dig Korto’s cool red-white-and-blue vest with the wide-leg pants, although—for the second week running—I scored a perfect 10 to Terri, for her fabulous pin-striped blazer and striped-shirt combo.

I was thrilled to see that Joe didn’t win—burn, skort boy, burn!—and completely confused by Jerrell’s “meshugenah” hot mess (not to mention those annoying Peter Pan hats he sports)—maybe he ought to throw some more scarves on that bad boy. But mostly I worried for Daniel.

Usually, when Michael Kors comes out with a zinger like, “Your dress is from the People’s Republic of Cocktail Land” I howl right along with him. But in this case, seeing that he made poor Daniel cry, I was NOT amused, Michael Kors. Not one bit. (An aside: Do you think when Blayne sees Michael Kors, he inadvertently starts salivating? So close to the tanning booth and yet. . .so far.)

But Daniel survived. And Jennifer—who made an outfit more suitable for a particularly fashion-forward office temp than an Olympiad—was made auf wieldelicious. Go U.S.A.! . . . or something like that.