Klum and Doom: The Project Runway recap

I finally figured out why they keep Janeane around, despite a lack of this thing I like to call “design talent.”


She gives great reaction shots.


For example, when Heidi told Amy that she had immunity for the next challenge—not exactly a stunning revelation considering that Amy had won the previous challenge—Janeane looked so shocked, it was as though Heidi had just revealed that she was actually a man.


Later, when Tim Gunn broke out the hyperbole machine: “Biggest challenge in the history of Project Runway!” “Cover of Marie Claire!!” “Your cover model is none other than. . .Heidi Klum!!!”—Janeane matched him word for word with escalating expressions of delight, surprise, and glee.


If she was auditioning for the part of “happy excited girl,” she definitely would not have been cast, due to ridiculous over-acting.


I actually find it kind of endearing.


Not endearing? Mila, apparently. Because every reality show—and every social circle for that matter—needs a villain (where’s Meana Irina when you need her?), Mila has been designated this season’s resident bitch.


Indeed, when they did a flashback to last week, when Mila bounded backstage to triumphantly tell her fellow contestants that she was “Top 2,” they stared at her with what can only be described as “sheep-like indifference.” (Even Janeane remained unmoved, which is saying a lot.)


“Maybe it’s about jealousy,” speculated Mila.
(Or maybe it’s because you put air quotes around the words “Top 2”).


Anyway, so yes. . .the cover of Marie Claire magazine is a pretty big deal.
Also a big deal? Me finally learning that it really is pronounced “Mary” —as in “she who cavorts with a little lamb” and not “Marie”—as in “she who cavorts with her Mormon brother.” Live and learn.


Off to Mood they go, where Mila is so excited to be designing for Heidi Klum she actually wipes out on the floor.
Designer down! Designer down!


(I’m actually surprised this doesn’t happen more often, what with the yards of fabric and all the running and those pesky buckets of water Tim Gunn has been known to plant for his amusement.)


The work room is funereally quiet. It’s actually quite possibly the dullest minute of Project Runway ever—just people working diligently in silence—until Seth Aaron decides to break out the crazy by singing random non-sequitors:
“I like 80s pop rock!”
and
“I shake a helluva martini.”
I was half-expecting a “Seth Aaron says relax”—but, alas, it never came.


So Tim Gunn stops by the studio and mentions, again, that this is the “Biggest Challenge in Project Runway history” (unspoken, but implied: “Well, at least since Nina Garcia was fired from Elle and Marie Claire became the new sponsor of the show.”)


Mostly, he thinks everyone is putting a little too much wickety wack on their garments.
“Use an editing eye” he tells both Anna and Anthony.
“Make sure you’re not making clown clothes” he tells Janeane. (Ironic, since she’s practically a mime.)
“Don’t make it into a joke,” he tells Ben of his hilarious metallic belt.


What he should’ve said—and maybe it’s just me—is: Why is everyone designing in taupe? What part of “needs to pop on the newsstands” and “Heidi Klum is a pale white woman with blonde hair” are you not understanding?
Really, it was like a Beige Convention in there.


On the runway: Anthony really did use his editing eye, plus a lovely shade of turquoise blue and made a dress that was textural and flattering and beautiful. I didn’t know he had it in him.


Amy, my horse in this race, must’ve been spacing out or texting or making spitballs when Marie Claire editor Joanna Coles said not to use a busy pattern, because not only did she use an extremely busy pattern, she wondered why others hadn’t followed suit.


Ben’s dress was actually quite cool, in a futuristic way, but the best part was the back, which wouldn’t work well on a magazine cover, unless Heidi was doing some sort of coy, over the shoulder look.


In an unprecedented move for Project Runway, the judges asked Emilio to cut the straps off his red dress—and he did it.
The judges commended him for his willingness to deface his own design, but I thought it was a bush league move.
Would they ask Da Vinci to paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa? And more importantly, would Da Vinci oblige?
(Also, the dress looked better WITH the straps. Just sayin'.)


Bottom two were definitely Anna, whose blah little vest, shirt and shorts number were described by Joanna Coles as “three dishes that when eaten together that make you nauseous” and Janeane, whose beach-inspired dress was described as “a polluted sea with plastic bottles.”


(Michael Kors: Surrender now. You brought an American education to a metaphor fight with a Brit. You never had a chance.)




So Anthony wins, deservedly.
And it comes down to besties Anna and Janeane. If Anna had worked on her reaction shots, maybe pulled out an “eat me!” when Coles called her dress nauseating, or screamed “Yes!” with a double fist-pump when Tim said they’d be designing for Heidi, maybe she’d be the one sticking around.


Instead, we have Janeane and her boundless enthusiasm to push around for another week.