Hat's Entertainment: The Project Runway recap

Previously on As the Runway Turns: AJ found out that he is the father of Michael’s baby, Valerie’s evil twin Kenley came to town, and Ivy was left for dead on the studio floor!

Okay, made those first two up, but Ivy really was carted off in an ambulance.

Of course, it was dehydration. On reality TV, when someone passes out, it’s always dehydration (or strategy).

That didn’t stop Dr. Gretchen from weighing in with her opinion: “She’s just not taking good care of herself,” she said.

(Apparently, Ivy subsists on a diet of Diet Coke and cigarettes.)

The most remarkable thing about Ivy’s brief stay in the hospital is that she was inspired—aesthetically. “I loved the solid and mesh fabric curtains,” she gushed. One can only imagine how thrilled she would be by a weekend at the Holiday Inn.

This week’s challenge involves hats—fancy, sculptural, GaGa-esque hats by designer Philip Treacy.

The task is simple: Create a look inspired by one of those cockamamie (I mean, artistically valid) creations.

Treacy himself gives them a tip: “Matching is old hat.” (See what he did there?)

The designers get to pick whichever hat they want, with one catch: It comes attached to the body of the model who’s wearing it. Everyone sticks with their original model. Yawn. (Now that Models of the Runway has been cancelled, it’s just so hard to care.)

Kristin is freaking out about her orchid hat and suddenly getting lots of face time. (What could that mean?)

“I don’t do literal at all,” she moans. “How do you make a story out of an orchid?”

Huh, I think Susan Orlean might have some ideas for her.

At Mood, Mondo confirms what we’ve already suspected: That he is batshit crazy.

“The fabrics have voices and I’m hearing all of them.”

Raise your hand if you think he’s speaking metaphorically.

Back at the studio, Casanova is being his usual unintentionally laugh-tastic self.

“I’m thinking seriously of quit,” he says.

“You can do it! I have faith!” says Ivy. Her brush with death has made her particularly peppy.

Off in her corner, Kristin won’t shut up about how uninspired she is.

I’m not even paying full attention and just keep hearing words like “vagina” and “sexual.”

Tim comes in to crush everyone’s hopes and dreams.

He doesn’t like Valerie’s zippers, even though the zippers are, like, her favorite part.

He thinks April’s shorts look like diapers. “Especially since they’re quilted.” (LOL.)

He tells AJ that “the woman who can afford that hat can afford a polka dot dress where the polka dots line up.” (Oh snap!)

At Kristin’s station, he disapproves of the detail at the top of the dress.

“It looks fussy,” he says. And damned if she doesn’t cut it off—on the spot. At least let Tim walk away and pretend you’re mulling it over.

Tim speaks Casanova a lot better than I do.

“Ohmygod,” says Casanova. “Nobody wear the hat. It’s very Ed-eet-tore-elle.”

“Editorial?” says Tim. He’s good. Tim explains that people do wear Philip Treacy’s hats (like your eccentric Aunt Gertie, who won all that money after the accident) and that Casanova’s dress is just a little too blah to stand up to it.

“It’s almost as if you went shopping, bought a dress, and she’s wearing Philip Treacy’s hat.”

“Right,” says Casanova. He’s pleased with this compliment.

Michael C is in a world of trouble as his dress is puckering in all the wrong places.

“I’m not going to dissuade you from being concerned,” says Tim.

That is Tim speak for: You’re screwed!

Michael decides to scrap the dress and start again, which, on Project Runway is code for “he’s about to have his biggest triumph.” (Strange, but true.)

When they get back to the apartment, everyone is being catty. Well, mostly Gretchen.

“I think it’s going to be Peach, Kristin, and April on the chopping block,” says Gretchen.

Conveniently, Peach, Kristin, and April are all hanging out together, as Peach is ironing.

(Do you think this was a bit of producer manipulation? Like a cameraman said to Peach, “Hey you look kind of lonely, ironing all by yourself like that. Why don’t you ask April to join you? And, uh, Kristin?”)

One thing everyone agrees on: That Christopher’s dress is the bomb diggity and that Michael C. is totally lost.

Runway day!

Gretchen is inexplicably wearing more makeup than Hedda Lettuce.

The looks come parading down the runway.

Somehow, Michael D. has pulled off his look, which in the studio looked like a cardboard box a homeless person might sleep in. Matched with the crimped orange skirt, it’s actually quite chic.

Michael C’s dress is also lovely, even though all the designers think it’s tacky and mermaidy and cheap. I love the way the gold and amber color of the dress makes the orange hat pop.

Little snotty AJ has done it again. I’m really feeling his crazy polka dot dress.

Peach’s dress looks like it came off the rack at Ann Taylor but does anyone else think her “difficult” model looks like Chanel Iman?

Top 3: Michael C, Michael D and Valerie.

Bottom 3: Christopher (gasp!), April, and Kristin.

Specifically, the judge’s thought the styling on Christopher’s dress was trying too hard (agreed), that Kristin’s dress had no harmony, and that April’s dress looked like she layered her underpants for a three day weekend, according to Michael Kors.

The designers head back to the green room while the judges deliberate.

Here’s where we get to see just what a “mittelmädchen” (that’s Mean Girl) Heidi Klum is.

It turns out that Philip Treacy doesn’t like Valerie’s little red dress.

“There’s nothing offensive about it,” he says. “But it’s not stylish.”

Heidi exchanges a look with her Heathers.

“We liked it!” she says. “It’s flirty but hard and cool.”

“It looked well made and well tailored,” says Heather Kors.

“It’s mischievous and coquettish,” says Heather Garcia.

Philip totally cracks under the pressure of the Mean Girl 3: “It was well constructed,” he admits.

But once again, it is not to be Valerie’s day. The winner is . . . Michael Costello!

And the loser is . . . Kristin! Never saw that coming!

Back in the green room, the designers are stunned, mostly because Christopher was in the bottom and Michael C won. Luckily, Michael C is too giddy about his win on Father’s Day to notice that everyone’s hating on him.

As for Kristin, something tells me she’ll be avoiding Georgia O’Keefe exhibits for the next few years.