Fanning the Flames: The Project Runway recap

Can anyone explain what the heck is going on with the Fan Favorite vote?

 Anthony Ryan is in the lead with—wait for it—48 percent (must’ve been his 9-9-9 plan: 9 patterns, 9 buttons, and 9-inch hem lines).

Anya is nipping at his heels with 45 percent.

Now, I’m no math major, but that leaves a mere 7 percentage points for the rest of the designers to duke it out over. And yes, Josh gets 1 percent; Bert gets 1 percent; Laura gets 1 percent; and poor Kimberly gets 0 percent. (In other words, Kimberly gets the exact same percentage points as Gunnar Deatherage, WHO NEVER MADE IT ON THE SHOW.)

Clearly, something is rotten in the state of  New Amsterdam. These are the kinds of leads that African dictators get in their elections.

But hey, why should I care about ballot stuffing if the producers of the show clearly don’t?

(Also, to the person who cares enough to ballot stuff a fan poll for Project Runway? The phrase “Get a life” was pretty much invented for you.)

So the show starts with Josh bitching about Anya’s lack of construction skills—again.

This will be a motif that runs throughout the entire episode (leading to something of a surprise twist at the end). You can basically assume that, unless I specify otherwise, Josh is off in a corner bitching about Anya’s inability to make a sleeve.

The designers get to go on a little road trip to Governor’s Island—where they’re told to seek inspiration for 3 distinct looks from anything on the island,  not necessarily the GIANT geometric sculptures on display. (It would awesome if one of the designers totally ignored the 800 pound sculptures and instead got their inspiration from a blade of grass. Doesn't happen.)

To Mood they go and, I don’t want to alarm anybody, but OMG, they killed Swatch! Seriously, where has that little fella been the past few weeks?
Ever since the awesome Swatch/Tim GIF went viral (well in my mind at least) he’s been AWOL. (Thank you, Eric, for the GIF, which I can't get to animate because I suck at the Internet.) (Click below if you want to watch it.)

If I don’t see Swatch in next week’s show, I’m putting out a Terrier Alert.

Back at Parsons, Tim breaks out the velvet bag of doom.

Laura literally gasps.

But it’s nothing to fear, just the cavalry, in the form of Bert, Anthony, Olivier, Becky, and some other guy I’ve never seen before. (I kid, I kid. . . it’s Bruce. . I mean Brent. . .I mean, Bryce.)

Kimberly gets to pick first and, thank God she picks Becky, because I don’t think Becky’s self-esteem could take another hit.

Then Viktor picks Olivier, because he could use a dose of Olivier’s patented enthusiasm and spunk.

Laura picks Anthony, hoping to bump up her 1 percent Fan Favorite vote through osmosis.

Anya and Josh are left. One will get saddled with Bryce.

There’s a kind of mock antagonistic moment between them that turns into an actual antagonistic moment (Josh to Anya: “You’re really getting aggressive”) and everyone sees it and it is awkward.

So Anya gets to pick next and she picks Bert, who is all smiles these days. (I’m actually beginning to suspect that his giant shipment of Paxil arrived at some point during the Project Runway shoot.)

Josh gets Bryce, who is picking up on all the bad jujus in the studio.

 “When I left, everybody was loving each other,” he says. “Now you can really feel the tension.”

To wit, Josh is STILL moaning about last week’s challenge: “I just had $20,000 taken away from me by a beauty queen. What was it? The beauty or the talent?”

(Yes, Josh, because a gay man and two straight women are totally seduced by Anya’s quixotic beauty.)

So people are doing what they do.

Anya is creating interesting, sophisticated, wholly original dress shapes that she has no idea how to sew.

Bert, who is helping her with construction, is flummoxed.

Their conversations, and this is just a paraphrase, go something like this:

Anya: You know how you see something in your mind and you have  no idea how to make it and then you start randomly sewing and  it comes out perfectly?

Bert: No.

Josh is adding unnecessary pieces of plastic to his designs, much to the delight of Kimberly, who is watching from her station: “Throw that plastic on. Do it! Do it!” she encourages. For Josh, as always, more is less.

Kimberly is her usual lovably-kooky-heroine-in-a-rom-com mess, designing 35 looks without any clear direction. Becky—in her capacity as the supportive, unlucky-in-love best friend who is always eating ice cream straight from the container—is concerned.

Laura is once again daring Nina to question her taste level with dresses that appear to be fashioned from six-pack-beer rings.

Viktor is having a sourface-off with Olivier.

Runway time.

Zoe Saldana is the special guest judge.

Out come the looks:

Okay, I loved one of Josh’s three looks. Can you guess which one? (Yes. Yes, you all can.)

Yeah, the cream and black mesh cocktail dress, pictured, is stunning—and Josh probably deserved to go to the finals for it alone.

However, I’m with Zoe: The evening gown looks like a metallic toga. And as for the casual look: How anyone could take a 5’9”, 100-pound model and make her look like Wonder Woman’s “before” picture in a Super Heroes Weight Watchers ad is beyond me.

Heidi questions his use of shiny fabric.

“Were you attracted to the lurex because it was nice and shiny?”

“Is that an assumption?” Josh asks archly.

(More like a profoundly obvious statement based on weeks and weeks of indisputable fact.)

Then we have Kimberly, who is inordinately proud of her “scarf outside the coat” look. You see, any Tom, Jane or Harry can put a scarf inside the coat. But this scarf? It goes outside. (This must be what Jonas Salk felt like upon discovering the cure for polio. )

Her metallic mini-dress, however, is great, despite the “goiter on the side.”

But her form-fitting orange top with peek-a-boob opening and metallic goiter-skirt is a bit slutty looking, if you ask me.

The judges no likey and Kimberly starts basically making a concession speech.

“This has been a great experience. I’ve learned so much. And I’m not upset by anything you guys are saying right now,” she lies.
“Are you giving your goodbyes to us right now?” Heidi responds. (The blunt sarcasm of Heidi Klum is an international treasure that truly needs more recognition.)

Next up Laura, with her “hey everybody: CIRCLES!” looks.

Zoe Saldana is impressed that she didn’t place one circle over each breast and another circle over the crotch. (When that’s the nicest thing you can say about a dress. . .)

Laura whipped up a skirt, like, 5 minutes before runway and she ain’t foolin’ anyone.

“It looks like you whipped up that skirt, like, 5 minutes before runway,” Heidi says.

The ironic thing is, I’d actually wear her baggy, crepey, crème brule-colored evening dress (the one all the judges HATED), but I can see that it’s:

a. Not fashion forward

b. Has NOTHING to do with the other two circle-gets-the-square looks. At all.

Next up, Anya:

Not a sleeve or a jacket or a non-flowy pant leg to be found, but three gorgeous, Anya-esque looks, accompanied by perfect styling choices. The black dress, in particular, is a showstopper.

Finally Viktor. Tasteful, wearable, saleable, blah-blah-blah-able.

“That’s how we do,” Viktor snaps, as his looks go down the runway. (A flair-up of his Seasonal Sass Disorder, obviously.)

Everyone lurves his looks, but thinks he needs to “turn up the volume” a bit. (Ya think?)

Now the fun part: Pick the other two designers you’d like to see accompany you to Fashion Week.

Josh picks Viktor and—in what has to qualify as a surprise in light of his nonstop bitching—Anya.

Kimberly picks Anya and Laura. (Girl power, FTW!)

Anya picks Joshua and Viktor.

Laura picks Viktor and Anya.

Viktor picks Josh and Anya.

So can I just say something slightly controversial right now? You know how Heidi is all about how “one or more of you will be out”? And you know how it’s always “one of you” and never “more of you”? Well, this time I think they should’ve just kept the top 3. Because it’s clearly Anya, Viktor and Josh and “the rest.”

And to that end, Kimberly wins the “Professor and Mary-Ann” consolation vote. (It’s a Gilligan’s Island joke,  Josh: Have Bert explain it to you.)

I mean, does anybody really think that Kimberly can win this thing?

So there you have it, folks. Laura, despite dreaming of this moment since she was 8 months old and her mother first lined her crib with the Barney’s catalog, is OUT.

Next week kicks off the finale.

Off to give Gunnar Deatherage my vote on the fan poll.