Like a Lesbian Hen in a Henhouse: The Bachelor recap

Find a flaw, bitch.

There has to be something wrong with Bachelor Ben, right? He simply can’t be as hot, sweet, funny, and level-headed as he seems and also be The Bachelor. (It’s sort of like what they say about anyone who runs for president: You have to be a little crazy to want the job.)

So while I watch this season of The Bachelor, I’ll focus on the usual things—the cat fights, the ugly-cries, the creative spellingz, the need to send Jenna’s case file directly to the department Health and Human Services—but I will also be searching for flaws in the seriously too-good-to-be true Ben. Wish me luck. . .

Okay, let’s meet some of the girls, shall we?

We start with Lindzi—yes, Lindzi, with a Z. And no A. Or  Y. . oh forget it.

She’s a horseback enthusiast, who claims that her last relationship ended in the “worst way.”
And I’m all like, Yeah, yeah, stop exaggerating, Lindz.

Then I find out how she was rejected. Via a text that read: “Babe, welcome to Dumpsville…population YOU.”

Okay, she wins. I mean, loses. That is literally the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. Elin Nordegren is like, “Yeesh, girl got played.”

 (And I’m sure after a breakup like that, Lindz has loads of self-esteem and a healthy regard for men!)

Then there’s Amber, who wears a lot of camouflage and likes to shoot bucks. “Oh Ben better eat some cow balls,” she says, licking her lips. “I will be disappointed if he doesn’t.” That’s not even a double entendre. It’s just an entendre.

Next, there’s Casey, the 24 year old administrative assistant.

When she saw Ben get dumped on TV (as we all did, multiple times, poor guy—I’m pretty sure ABC just randomly injects that footage into their shows from time to time), she felt sad, but then glad, because this meant she had a shot with him.

I wonder if she also thinks that the voices in the radio are speaking directly to her?

Now meet Courtney, one of our resident mean girls. She’s a “model.”

“I’m sure girls are intimidated by me and they should be,” she says.

Courtney also knows what she wants and what she’s worth: 2 carats.

(Only 2? The recession has really messed with bling-based dreams.)

Moving right along we have the baby-obsessed Jane, who works in a maternity ward and spends her day gazing lovingly upon new borns saying, “Call me mama. Who’s your mama?”

She thinks that she and Ben would have beautiful babies, natch.

Oh god, poor Lindsay—our little ambassador’s daughter. Always the wacky sidekick, never the female lead. For her sake, the less said about her goofy little sartorial trip around the globe, the better.

Then we have Jenna, the blogger (I’m so proud to be part of that sisterhood). It almost seems wrong to mock Jenna, right? I mean the girl is obviously unbalanced. (Ha, just kidding. Let’s mock away.)

“I know deep down that relationships work and they don’t work,” she says. If this is the kind of deep thinking she drops on her blog, The Overanalyst, I’d hate to see what constitutes under-analyzing.

When relationships don’t work, Jenna says that she gets “crazed.” (Other times Jenna gets “crazed”: When she drives, when she walks, when it rains, when it’s sunny outside, when she’s alone, when she’s in a crowd . .  just to name a few).

“Ben, I’m coming for you,” she says, ominously. (Ben, run for your life!)

Skipping ahead to Nicki, 26, who has a shameful past: She’s a divorcee, people! (Her 1950s level of shame deserved a 1950s descriptive.)

“The next time I get married, it’s going to be forever,” she says.

And based on the sterling marriage reputation of this show, she’s come to the right place!

(I do believe studies will proves that you are more likely to marry the “guy you just bumped into on the bus” than “the guy who just proposed to you on The Bachelor” but I’ll get back to you on that.)

So. . back to Ben, who is now waiting for various limos filled with shrieking women to roll up and meet him.

There are two kinds of schadenfreude-tastic moments that ensue:

The pre-fab greeting, as exemplified by Erika, the law student:

Erika: The verdict is in and you are guilty!

Ben (playing along—which, by the way, could describe his behavior this entire episode): Guilty of what?

Erika: Being sexy

Max: *headdesk*

The other schadenfreude-tastic greeting is the awkward pause, I have nothing to say, let’s just stand here looking at each other in silence, oh God will this moment ever end, ohmygod I’m blowing this on national TV, wow Ben has nice hair-type greeting. Only slightly less mortifying.

But we do have a few originals:
There’s Samantha, Miss Pacific Palisades, who wears her sash. Groan.

There’s the aforementioned Lindzi, who rides in on her horse. (“Screw you and the horse you rode in on,” says someone named Courtney in response. Heh.)

There’s Holly in her big ol’ derby hat.

There’s Anna, who basically does the Bachelor equivalent of holding out your hand for a slap, pulling it away, and saying, “Psych!”—as she breezes by without a greeting Ben. (“Bold move,” says Bachelor Ben. And by “bold” he means “dumb.” Playing hard to get on a reality TV dating show really makes no sense at all.)

And then there’s Brittney, who brings her. . . grandmother?

The other girls are positively fuming that Brittney was so diabolically clever as to bring her (admittedly adorable) blue-haired granny. To which I’m thinking: Did grandmother’s become some sort of aphrodisiac when I wasn’t looking?

Because if you ask me, there are few things LESS sexy than bringing your grandmother on a first date. It’s not even page one of the Things Not To Bring on a First Date handbook—it’s so obvious, it’s not even in the handbook.

(There’s a reason why you’ve never heard of a GILF.)

One more thing about Bachelor Ben greeting the girls: I thought I couldn’t love him more, but when Shawn slapped him on the arm and he said, “I love a slug on the arm” I discovered I was wrong.

Inside the party, we meet the Amazonian Monica, who looks a bit like Kristen Johnson from Third Rock From the Sun and is, well, a lesbian.

Now talk about a diabolical plan!
Why has no other lesbian ever crashed The Bachelor party? She’s like a lesbian hen in a hen house!

All these women are so vulnerable and needy. She gloms right onto the beautiful, dim Blakely, the VIP cocktail waitress (which I’m pretty sure is a euphemism for . . .well, you know).

She’s hanging all over Blakely and telling her how sexy and beautiful she is and how they are soul sisters for life and Blakely is so confused because she wants to hear these words tonight, but she wants to hear them from Bachelor Ben, but Monica is so confident and . . .tall!

So Monica and Jenna have a fight, which is unfair, because Monica is a bully and Jenna is flying express over the cuckoo’s nest.

A few more thoughts before we wrap this puppy up:

When the rapping epidemiologist is not even CLOSE to being the most embarrassing person of the night, you know it’s been an excellent show.

The producers totally told Ben to keep Jenna around for the dramah. Well played, Bachelor producers, well played.

Oh, I guess I should mention that Lindzi got the Firzt Imprezzion roze.

But Lindsay, the crying clown ambassador’s daughter and Anna, the too-cool-to-say-hi-to-the-Bachelor are both gone.

Also, two hours into the season and Ben is still adorable and perfect. It’s just a matter of time people, just a matter of time. . .

p.s. Probably won’t get around to recapping this every week, but I will try to crank out as many of these suckers as I can.