There’s Crying in Baseball: The Bachelor recap

Baseball's Been Very Very Bad to Them

Today's recap features very special co-blogger, Courtney!!!

“BE NICE!” – Ironic tee-shirt sported by Courtney

(At least, I think the tee-shirt is ironic. The words are written in a somewhat menacing, goth font—you’d expect such a font to spell out a sentiment like “I DRINK BLOOD”—so I’m guessing/hoping she’s wearing it as an inside joke.)

So yeah, the girls are in Puerto Rico now. Too bad it’s so ugly there. (Heh.)

Nicki gets picked for the first date and I think we all learned a very valuable lesson from her: Neon puce nail polish is not a good look. On anyone. Ever.

So they take a helicopter—God damn Mike Fleiss loves him some helicopters— and then go for a walk around a Puerto Rican market and things are going just swimmingly—Ben is rolling his r’s like a champ—until Nicki makes a rookie mistake:

 “This date is going so well, what could possibly go wrong?” she enthuses.

Aaaaand. . .cue another torrential downpour.  (When will these girls learn?)

It’s not the cute rain either. It’s the gross, clothing sticking to you, water sloshing around in your shoes kinda rain.

But they make the best of it and kick off their shoes and run and frolic and kiss and Ben is very impressed with how easygoing Nicki is. (Yes Ben, because you should definitely make assumptions about Nicki’s easygoing nature based on how she acts in front of a camera crew and millions of people while on a reality TV competition.)

So they duck into a clothing store and decide to buy new “authentic” clothing. Somehow, this ends up with Ben dressed like a Cuban pimp and Nicki looking . . . exactly the same as she did before.

“Ben is mooey, mooey caliente!” Nicki says, and actual living Puerto Ricans are rolling in their graves.

The most interesting thing about Nicki—okay, the only interesting thing about Nicki—is the fact her divorce is, like, the shame of her life. The show really plays it up, too—ignoring the fact that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce and acting as if Nicki is some sort of social deviant. Then they really rub it in, parading Ben and Nicki in front of an elaborate wedding ceremony that they “just happen” to stumble across. Uh-huh.

Nicki is so distracted by the spectacle of a woman wearing the white gown she can no longer in good faith ever wear again, she can barely concentrate on Ben—but eventually they leave, go to dinner, and she gets a rose. (Who doesn’t get a rose? If Ben  had a date with JoJo the Dog Faced Girl, she'd get a rose, too.)

“Blakely is like a champion out there. Who knew that strippers could play baseball?” – Courtney.

Now time for the group date.

Blakely was really, really, really hoping she’d get the final solo date with Ben but that honor goes to—hold please while I look up her name—Elyse.

“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” the group date card reads.

But it’s not those kinds of diamonds, silly—it’s the baseball kind.

The bachelorettes convene upon Roberto Clemente stadium where they’ll play a game of baseball with Ben as the pitcher.

All the girls change into their cute little baseball get-ups and are obviously told to put on eye black, because some producer thinks it’s sexy, but they don’t seem to truly understand the point of eye black and Casey uses it to accentuate her cheekbones and I think another girl may put it on her lips.

As for Ben, he’s wearing a super baggy retro uniform that even he can’t pull off.

So what’s at stake?

First prize is a Cadillac Eldorado (in this case, a beach date party with Ben)

Second prize is, you’re fired (in this case, sent home on a bus.)
(And if you know what film I just referenced, you and I can hang.)

Lindzzzi gets the honor of being the designated floater, so no matter what happens, she gets to go on the beach party date. Unfairsies!

And let me tell you, shit gets competitive. I mean, diving for ground balls, talking trash, blood sweat and tears (especially tears) competitive. It is awesome. It seems like the team with Blakely and Emily is a lock to win, because Blakely is a super jock (thus inspiring the fabulous Courtney quote above) and Emily is literally doing handsprings all over the field, but somehow—fueled by the sheer force of Courtney's toxic personality— the red team pulls it off.

In the dugout, Blakely pulls a Kobe and accuses her teammates of not wanting it as badly as she did.

Suddenly a helicopter touches down.

“If that damn helicopter lands on this field and picks those girls up, I swear to God. . .” she says.

Really, Blakely? It’s The Bachelor. Was there ever any doubt?

So Ben hops aboard the helicopter with Courtney, Kacie and the rest, while Blakely, Emily, Jennifer and co. have to go home on a rickety school bus. The tableaux in the school bus is truly hilarious as they all sit in separate seats, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, weeping. (Crying on a school bus? Yeah, I called that junior high school, by the way.)

Courtney, as always, is a model of compassion and tact: “I don’t want to see any tears out of them. They had their shot at the title and they blew it.”

At the beach party, Ben feels guilty about the crying busload of girls, but happy to have a more reasonable number of women to choose from. He has a one-on-one with Kacie, and—yippee!—she gets the rose. (I’m not sure if it’s because she had the first-ever solo date with Ben, but I find myself rooting for her.)

Anyway, Courtney will have none of this—so she basically pulls Ben aside and says, “You know what would be awesome later? If you and I had sex.”

Okay, she didn’t put it quite that bluntly, but it is strongly implied. Instead, she talks about how much she loves skinny dipping—and how great it would be to steal a private moment with Ben and go skinny dipping with him.

Once Ben rolls his tongue back into his mouth, he whole-heartedly agrees.

“These girls have no idea what I’m capable of,” Courtney says, ominously (and awesomely).

“Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out,” Courtney on Elyse

Time for Elyse’s one-on-one date with Ben.

Poor Elyse thinks this is her time to shine, when basically the show just wanted one dramatic moment where Ben finally doesn’t give someone a rose.

Courtney, needless to say, sees right through it: “It does occur to me, I might not be seeing her later,” she says.

Ben and Elyse go on a yacht and poor, doomed Elyse is blathering on about how “it doesn’t get any better than this” and “I think he could be the guy I eventually marry”—and the thought bubble over Ben’s head is basically “Courtney. Water. Naked. Want.”

At their private dinner he does a cruel Bachelor fakeout, brandishing the rose in front of her. I can hardly stand to think about the smile that materialized on her face—so full of hope, optimism, and innocence—it’s like a horror film being played out in slow motion.

“Unfortunately, I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find,” Ben says.

It actually takes a few seconds for this news to process. The smile is slow to fade. But finally she gets it. She’s the one-percenter—the girl who doesn’t get Ben’s rose.

So she’s sent packing. (For a brief horrifying moment it looks like she’s going to have to swim ashore, but fear not. There’s a boat—indeed, a far more distinguished boat than the little dinghy Ben was forced to paddle away on after Ashley rejected him.)

Then little sensitive Ben is seen traipsing along sadly on the beach, in his tux, with the pant legs rolled up, almost in tears—and he “spontaneously” (no producer manipulation there—no siree) drops the rose into the ocean, where it washes forlornly away.

He's obviously very very sad about. . .whatever her name was.

 “Now, I’ve got something planned for him.”- Courtney

When Ben gets back to the hotel, he has this awesome dream where Courtney is sitting on the stairwell waiting for him with a bottle of wine. Except it isn’t a dream—it’s real, you guys!

“She broke the rules,” Ben says nervously. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”

That’s Big Ben talking. Little Ben knows exactly how he feels about it, if you know what I mean.

So she “twists his arm” and he agrees to go skinny dipping with her on the beach.

Now, I don’t want to boast, but if you caught the series sneak preview that played a couple of months ago on EW.com, you would’ve seen Ben’s actual Bachelor Butt, not this pixilated bullshit that ABC has given us.

I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise to you that Ben’s Bachelor Butt is as cute as the rest of him. As for Ben’s Bachelor Boner? Only Courtney knows for sure.

“Puerto Rico, with Ben under the moonlight.”- Courtney, describing her “hypothetical” favorite way to go skinny dipping to the girls.

Ben skulks into the cocktail party feeling a little guilty.

“Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment,” he says. "And right now I feel kinda crappy about what happened. There are other women here that I still need to explore relationships with.” (And by "explore relationships with" he means, get naked with.)

As for Courtney, she’s as cool as the other side of the pillow.

“It’s fun watching him interact with the other girls,” she says languorously. “Because they’re not having the same connection we had.”

YES, THAT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE FULLY CLOTHED!

As for Blakely, she makes a risky—and let’s face it, desperate—move that actually works.

She pulls Ben aside and bares her soul to him. She spews all sorts of flattering bullshit about how she writes down one great thing about Ben every day (Monday: He’s a boy. Tuesday: He’s a dude. Wednesday: He’s a guy) and how just being around someone as awesome as Ben makes her feel like she deserves love (wha?) and he buys it—or maybe he’s too busy looking at her breasts to hear what she actually said (but it sure seemed like soul-baring).

Meanwhile, Courtney is curled up on the couch with the other girls, toying with them once again like a cat with a mouse.

She’s having the “hypothetical” discussion of skinny dipping—relishing the knowledge that she and Ben got naked and wet together last night.

Now Emily has her one on one moment with Ben and she uses it to quickly apologize for her behavior at the last cocktail party.

And I think, “Atta girl, Em. Way to see the big picture.”

But damned if the girl just can’t help herself. “I still think Courtney is a weirdo,” she adds quickly—and the next thing you know, she’s talking about Courtney playing Ben for the fool and being here for the wrong reasons and how blind Ben is and yada, yada, yada.

This time Ben is less charitable. Some combination of skinny dipping with Courtney and throwing Elyse under the bus (or off the yacht, in this case) has empowered him.

“You have no idea what goes on in the moments I spend with each woman,” he warns her. (Ben's internal monologue: Skinnydippingskinnydippingskinnydipping.) “It’s wrong for you to assume. What I encourage you to do is tread lightly. Be careful.”

Wow. Bachelor Ben was just a . . .jerk? Didn’t see that coming.

Emily, of course is mortified. One day, when she looks back on this Bachelor experience, she’s going to be so glad that she made it all about Courtney.

“I think I screwed up. . .again,” she sighs. (Oh no, Em. That went great!)

“And, she’s gone,”‑Courtney, wishing on a candle and using some sort of voodoo sorceress Wikka magic to exorcise Emily from the house.

Rose ceremony time.

Kacie and Nicki already have roses, if you haven’t been keeping score at home.

Here’s the order Ben calls 'em:
1. Lindzzzi

2. Jamie

3. Rachel

4. Courtney

5. Casey S. (for realz?)

6. Blakely

Now there’s one rose and two girls—Emily, who just screwed up royally and girl next door Jennifer, who is supposedly the best kisser in the house.

It’s gotta be Emily who’s going home, right? Right?

But no, in a surprise move, Ben calls “Emily.”

Wow.

I demand an explanation! Don’t you guys?
I mean, it was obvious she was more into him than he was into her, but I at least had her pegged for sticking around longer than Casey, Blakely, and Jamie. (On a brighter note, I'm slightly relieved that Courtney doesn't actually wield the power of black magic.)

Poor Jennifer. She ugly cries, needless to say. But it’s worse than that. She does this sort of hiccup, snort combination—a sniccup—as she cries and it’s really very unfortunate.

Poor kid. Our final image of her is a sniccup.