Baggage Claim: Thoughts on The Bachelorette

Run for your life, Kalon!

 

Five episodes in and I have a serious love/hate relationship with Emily. It’s like some sort of Bachelorette-Induced Schizophrenia (BIS).

Sometimes, I’m all “you go, you little saucy Southern spitfire” and other times, I’m all “make it stop, you Barbie prom queen from hell.” The thing is? Sometimes I have these feelings over the course of one scene.

Okay, let’s take Baggage-Gate, shall we?

Anyone else think Emily overreacted just a wee bit to that controversy? I mean, I’d like to see how this girl would react an actual disaster, like an earthquake or a bad hair day.

The cult of Ricki on this show is kind of out of control, if you ask me. That silhouetted image of The Bachelorette they show before going to commercial break? It's actually of Emily and Ricki. That’s the Bachelorette's freakin’ logo, people. It’s her brand.

And each episode starts with a little scene of Ricki and Emily having some mommy/daughter bonding time—this is to prove to us that she’s not neglecting her little snookums while carousing around with a pack of horny dudes.

Look, I get it, she loves her kid. Seriously, I don’t doubt that for a second. But frankly, I’d believe it even more if she wasn’t constantly ramming it down our throats.

So the whole Kalon thing? Yeah, he acted like a jerk. Newsflash: Jerks do jerky things.

All she had to do was not give him a rose. Or even, if she was really really pissed, kick him out on the spot.

But the whole “West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass” routine? It seemed a bit self indulgent: Like she was showing off what a fierce, proud, righteous mama she could be.

And then, dear God, it continued. Her men were supposed have her back and fight for her. (What year is this? 1956?)

Short list of guys who do not "have her back"

A few thoughts on that:

a. Girlfriend, you’re clearly more than capable of fighting your own battles. (And I quote: “I want to rip off his limbs and beat him with them.”) Frankly, you’re terrifying.

b. So Kalon calls Ricki baggage and one of the guys is supposed to, what. . . challenge him to a dual? Write him a strongly-worded letter?

c. If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the 295 seasons of The Bachelor, it’s this: Nobody like a narc. Badmouthing a fellow contestant is rarely a good move (see Ben and his Emily). Except, apparently, in Emily’s season, where if you’re not tattlin’ you’re not carin’ (or something like that)

That being said…you know when I LOVED Emily? When she went all Kanye on Kalon’s ass: “Imma let you finish…”
The fact that she threw Kalon’s words (“I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done”) back in Kalon’s face as she kicked him to the curb was a true standing ovation moment. If only he could’ve been taken away by helicopter.

Okay, a few more moments of BIS:

Luckily, Ryan's douchey little scarf is not a screaming red flag

LOVED when Emily literally cringed when Ryan winked at her.

HATED that she said, and I quote, “I’m mad at myself for saying it, but I’m liking him more and more” (come to think of it, that quote suggests that she, too, might suffer from a mild case of BIS.)

LOVED when Emily told Doug that she wanted to be by herself. (You are dismissed, tattletale!)
HATED that she gave him the first rose to thank him for “having her back.

HATED when she said, of Sean (natch): I get butterflies, but they’re in my heart.

LOVED that she added, “I know that sounds cheesy.”

And so it goes. . .

A few more random thoughts on the show:

1. I finally figured out why I hate Ryan so much (well, except for the obvious: He’s hateful.) He reminds me of Matthew McConaughey. Not in appearance, obvs. But the whole Southern boy former-jock-turned-dime-store-philosopher persona. McConaughey gives us “Just Keep Livin’” and Ryan gives us a new nugget of musclehead wisdom every week. This week? “When a girl tells me I’m trouble, but she smiles when she says it, that means she wants to get in trouble.” (Am I the only one who wants to rip off his limbs and beat him with them at a moment like this?)

 2. Note to American boys: Not knowing shit about England or Shakespeare isn’t cute, it’s embarrassing. (Like, Ricki thought the King and his Dragons lived in Buckingham Palace and she still knows more about England than these nimrods.)

3. If Emily doesn’t end up with Sean nothing will ever make sense again.

4. Ewwww, Doug. (That is all.)

5. Why didn’t Jef get a punny date card? Did I miss it? I live for the punny date cards. (Hmmm, there had to be a pun about using the right fork but I can’t think of it) (That’s why the Bachelorette Punmaster makes the big bucks and I toil away anonymously on this blog.)

6. British etiquette lady needed a lesson in the proper way to behave around a tub of tinted foundation. (Just sayin’). HDTV was not her friend.

7. Awww, Jef, that kiss was truly adorkable. Love. Him.

8. Alessandro was crying when he got the boot? Because Emily was really beginning to see who he was? Dude, there were pigeons at Stratford-upon-Avon who got more face time than you did.