Waving the Red Flag: My Bachelorette recap

 

I’m a little torn about whether or not to commit to recapping The Bachelorette this season.

The thing is, I’m not particularly drawn to Emily. I mean, she’s a fine little spitfire Dolly Parton/Jessica Simpson hybrid, with a heart as big as a country jamboree (or whatever Southerners say about people’s hearts) and a love for her daughter as fierce as a mama hen cornered by a fox in a barn (ditto). But she’s not really my kinda gal (in fact, if you could scientifically triangulate my exact opposite human being, I’m pretty sure it would look a lot like Emily.)

That being said, I root for her and can’t help but to wonder if she is just particularly blind to GIANT RED FLAGS being waved in her face or if all us women are similarly afflicted. Because man oh man, is she missing a lot of warning signs.

Anyway, instead of recapping last night’s episode, I thought I’d give a State of the Show report on the remaining guys.

Oh wait! First a few thoughts on one of the rejects.

Was that Alessandro dude creepy and weird, or what?

At some point, I got the sneaking suspicion that Alessandro had just stumbled off the street and actually had no idea he was on a reality show, kinda like THIS guy.

Okay, now onto the actual bachelors.

Alejandro

Pluses: Cheekbones that just won’t quit.

Minuses: No discernible personality

GIANT RED FLAG: None yet. But the amount of hair gel he uses can’t be a good sign.

Arie
Pluses: Totally crush-worthy.

Minuses: I have a hunch that his early confidence could collapse into a ball of whimpering craven neediness if Emily stops giving him special treatment.

GIANT RED FLAG: In his case, it’s a checkered flag (see what I did there?): Can Emily get past the whole race car driver déjà vu?

Chris

Pluses: Wears clothing extremely well.

Minuses: I want to pinch his cheeks (he’s such a baby!)

GIANT RED FLAG: His foot-stomping insistence that he is mature enough for Emily is, like, totally immature.

Doug
Pluses: Is a dad (in case you missed it the last 50 times he told you)

Minuses: Doug has no flaws (according to Doug)

GIANT RED FLAG: “I’m just Doug with a rose.”

Jef
Pluses: Seems kinda chill

Minuses: Bob’s Big Boy hair.

GIANT RED FLAG: The missing “f.”

John
Pluses: Demonstrated poise and self-confidence on the dreaded two on one date.

Minuses: That hairline.

GIANT RED FLAG: None that I see. But maybe I'm just blinded by the atomic whiteness of his teeth.

Kalon

Pluses: Totally sweet access to helicopters.

Minuses: Too many to enumerate. The guy basically screams “asshat.” (And WTF is a “luxury brand consultant” anyway?)

GIANT RED FLAG: “I do want to hear what you have to say, as soon as I’m done talking.”

Ryan

Pluses: Awe-inspiring neck/head ratio

Minuses: Dumb guy who thinks he’s smart. Sexist pig who thinks he’s enlightened. Delusional guy who thinks he’s in the lead. Etc. Etc. Etc.

GIANT RED FLAG: “God designed you to be a beautiful woman.”

Sean

Pluses: He’s basically the he-Emily

Minuses: But are they TOO much alike?

GIANT RED FLAG: None. He’s my pick to win the whole shebang.

Travis
Pluses: Has effectively stayed under the radar

Minuses: Has effectively stayed under the radar

GIANT RED FLAG: I have no idea who he is