Four's a Crowd: The Bachelorette Recap

Is this trip to Chicago really necessary?

 

Can we all just call this episode what it was? The slow and inevitable death march to Chris’s demise.

I mean, last week, we actually thought she might pick John (sorry, I mean “Wolf”)—a man who had approximately 10 lines of dialogue the entire season—over Chris.
Somehow, Chris squeaked out a rose, but it was obviously touch and go.

Even Chris’s family seemed to know he was he about to be kicked in the kielbasa.

“Let him down gently,” they all seemed to be telling Emily. “We know he’s kinda sweaty and creepy and desperate but, by God, he’s also our son.”

Speaking of which, what was Creepy Chris’s Creepiest Moment of the Show ™ for you?

Was it when Emily snuck up behind him in town square and he didn’t so much as FLINCH? (Replicant?)
Or was it when he said, “You make me feel crazy good”—as his eyes nervously darted about, apparently searching for a weapon?

I will say this: “On a scale from 1 to Polish, we’re Polish” was wygranie! (That’s “winning” in Polish.)

Lech Walesa WISHES he was this Polish

So now we’ve got these three guys left and I JUST CAN’T CHOOSE!

Has the Bachelorette ever done some sort of polygamy theme? A happy ending where you get a ring, you get a ring, you ALL get a ring!!!

At one point, I speculated that the hunky banana Sean was the man for Emily. It seemed a no brainer.

But I must say, I’m beginning to have my doubts—partly because her hometown visit to him was so bizarre. I mean, I don’t know about you, but when I have a guest, I like to make them as UNCOMFORTABLE as humanly possible. Break out the whoopee cushions, the fake poo, and the dog vomit—it's time to freak out the house guest!

First, there was Sean’s little “I live at home” prank, which, I suppose was meant to show Emily his light-hearted, fun-loving side, but actually seemed kind of aggressive. Like, “You may hold all the cards on the show, but not at MY house you don’t!”

And the disturbing thing is, the entire Sean family was in on it.

They went so far as to decorate a whole room, like one of those horrible Febreze commercials where they blindfold people and take them to rat-infested hellholes.

"Make yourself uncomfortable"

Then later, in case you missed it, Sean’s dad acted out this elaborate charade of taking a foil-covered, steamed armadillo out of the oven. 

“This is Sean’s favorite dish,” dad said.

Emily, with that pageant-ready smile of hers, managed to squeak out a chipper “Well, if it’s Sean’s favorite, then I guess I’ll try it!”

And then the whole Sean family collapsed into a fit of malicious giggles.

Fucked. Up.

The other thing about Sean? (Other than the fact that if he were a Native American, his tribe name would be “He Who Runs Down Street Yelling Bachelorette’s Name”): Emily keeps talking about how perfect he is, but I don’t actually believe it.

She’s been crushing on Jef since day 1.

And she and Arie have off-the-charts chemistry.

But with Sean it’s like, “Wow. Sean is totally perfect. . .zzzzzzz”

I’m just not sure it’s really there.

Okay, next we have Jef (yes, I realize I’m going out of order. . . this is MY order of elimination at this point.)

Just as I suspected, Jef’s whole hipster thing is a charade. He’s really a good ol’ boy who shoots guns (albeit “in skinny jeans” as Emily noted) and rides ATVs.

As for his parents, they are still MIA.

In fact, did anyone else notice that when Jef said, “My parents are in South Carolina DOING CHARITY WORK” it was totally overdubbed in post production, possibly by a member of the crew who does a mean Jef impression? OMG, what do you think he actually said: “My parents are in South Carolina overseeing the ritualistic slaughter of goats?”

(I’m more and more convinced that Jef is a member of a cult, especially when his niece and nephew were climbing all over Emily’s lap, seemingly desperate: “Get me out of this place, PLEASE!” I thought I saw one of the little tykes mouth.)

And then, sigh, Jef read Emily the sweetest love letter. It actually made me cry. But at the same time, have you noticed that Jef can’t seem to profess his love while making eye contact? It’s either through a marionette or with his face buried in a letter.

Man up, Bob’s Big Boy.

Finally, Arie—my new frontrunner.

I agree with Emily that Arie looked “stupid hot” in his leather race car jacket.

And she always acts so excited to see him and can’t seem to keep her hands off him.

I loved when Arie’s mom took Emily aside and told her she had seen “a few” episodes of Emily’s season of The Bachelor (translation: DVRed that shit and watched every episode twice.) Then she said, in her broken English, “Normally, when you are the one who be proposed to, you’re not being the Bachelorette.”

Ha. Laughing forever over that.

So there ya have it folks.

Sean, Jef, or Arie.

Three men: Three guaranteed fantasy suites (use protection, kids!) . . .and then what?
I'm totally unspoiled myself. So only ABC executives, Chris Harrison, Emily, her future “fiancée” and you—yeah, you, spoiler whore!—know for sure.