Love Means Never Having to Say You're Arie: The Bachelorette Finale recap

Still Life With Confused Bachelorette

 

Arie or Jef? Jef or Arie?

Emily has already thrown out the guy she wants to date (Sean) and has narrowed it down the guy she wants to, er, have carnal knowledge of (Arie) and the one she wants marry (Jef).

But WHO will she choose??

Luckily for her, Emily’s family is ready to step up to the plate by expressing a clear and decisive preference. Or not. 

Basically, the whole family was crushing hard on Jef—and his Dudley-Do-Right manners and soothing voice and “edgy Mormon” (oxymoron alert!) ways.

“I don’t even know why we’re going through the action of even seeing someone else today,” Emily’s father sniffed, before Arie’s visit.

But then Arie showed up—looking like sex on a stick, babbling nervously (which Emily’s brother took for conversational “smoothness”) and wielding that adorable box of crumpled roses—and they were all SO CONFUSED.

“After talking to Arie, I’m confused,” said Emily’s dad.

Totally useless

So thanks  for that.

Emily staggered away from family day in a tailspin, literally wailing in agony, Nancy Kerrigan style.

Why? Why? Why can’t she have two nice things?

If Bill Paxton can do it, why can't I?

But a key issue emerged here—an issue perhaps more important than love or sex or “Little Ricki” ("babalu!"): Emily doesn’t want to be the “girl who gets engaged 15 times.”

First of all, is there a girl who gets engaged 15 times? Because I’ve never heard of her. And if she exists, she’s a rarity, not a cautionary cliche.

Second of all, if you’re trying to avoid the hasty, irresponsible, more-likely-to-fail-than-a-Paul-Reiser-sitcom engagement, maybe being The Bachelorette is not the wisest choice.

That being said, Emily kept using a curious word to describe her choice of Jef: "confident." She said she had more “confidence” in him. Not that she loved him more, or thought that he was hotter, smarter, or better husband material than Arie. Just that she had more confidence that they would stay together in the long haul.

In other words, Jef is the less risky proposition. 

"Non-threatening"

On the other hand, maybe it was simply a matter of good timing.  Maybe if Arie had gone first—maybe if it had been Arie angling for private time with Ricki, Arie frolicking with Ricki by the pool—he’d be the big winner and Jef would be the one doing a drive-by journal drop on Emily’s doorstep. Hard to say.

An aside: I understand that Emily is protective of Ricki—I even admire it. But it really is okay to introduce your child to people they may only meet once. It’s not like Ricki’s world was going to be irrevocably rocked and ruined because she met Arie one time and he abandoned her. (By that logic, she should avoid all waiters, busboys, and lifeguards in Curacao—because what if Ricki gets dangerously attached to any of them?) I dunno. Maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, once Emily had made up her mind that Jef was the one for her, she did the right thing—a thing I’m surprised more Bachelorettes don’t do, considering the humiliation factor of getting down on one knee to a woman who’s about to reject you (yeah, I’m givin' you the stinkeye, Ashley)—she decided to break up with Arie. 

But first she shared her feelings with Chris Harrison in a little portion of the show I like to call “filler.” (But wouldn’t it have been funny if she’d introduced Chris Harrison to Ricki?).

Chris Harrison's "concerned" face

What followed had to be the most painful breakup in the history of reality TV, right? I mean, I’ve had personal breakups that were less painful.

There was Arie, all happy-go-lucky and making his stupid little love potion with that weird shaman lady and going on and on about how in love he was and how he couldn’t wait to get married and start his new life with Emily and Ricki. 

“That moment when Emily looks in my eyes and she can express how she feels is going to be so good,” he says. “To hear the words is going to be amazing. 

Ahhhhh, can’t look! But MUST!

So then Emily comes, and she’s crying and he’s consoling her—not for a second possibly thinking she could be crying because she’s about to dump his ass—and then the rug totally gets pulled out from under him. 

Denial is a fascinating thing, huh?

In this case, the depths of Arie’s denial were pretty intense.

Not only was he in denial that Emily was breaking up with him. He was in denial over the reason why.  As we find out in the most dramatic After the Final Rose evah (!!!), it didn’t even occur to Arie that Emily was dumping him because she had chosen Jef! (Gee Arie, you’re on a reality show where a woman has to pick among suitors. She's narrowed it down to two. She dumps you. Do the math. On Jef’s behalf, I’m slightly insulted that he was so gobsmacked by this concept.)

So there’s some slight suspense about whether or not Emily will accept Jef’s proposal—she does, after all, not want to become yet another engaged-15-times statistic—but Jef looks so cute in his little hipster engagement suit and that rock is blingtastic and he says some pretty words (that he may not have stolen this time from the Book of Mormon) so she says yes.

“Passions” will have to be bridled no longer, bitches!

A dress that refuses to be shown up by a 4-carat ring

Seriously, does Emily even know that Jef’s a Mormon? Isn't that a conversation that maybe they should’ve had—right between “role playing with marionettes is fun!” and “you get me like no one else”?

Because Mormonism is a pretty "big deal." And he’s obviously not like some fallen, half-assing-it Mormon—he’s a quoting the Book of Mormon, going on Mormon retreats to Africa kind of Mormon.

But I’m sure it’ll all work out fine.

Because denial is awesome. And Jef and Emily are pretty. And la, la, la, I can’t hear you. They live happily ever after.