Kicked Out! The Project Runway recap

Do you ever get the sense that all the awesome stuff happens off camera?

This photo suggests that:

THIS photo confirms it:

Damn you, Project Runway editors!

Anyway, the Rockettes metaphor  is apt for this episode because we Project Runway viewers all clasped arms and formed a virtual kickline after the show was over to celebrate Ven’s departure. 

“Start spreading the news….Today was Ven’s episode to lose!”

Can I have a "Woo" followed by a "hoo"?

(By the way, I’ve never understood the appeal of a kickline. Why does a bunch of leggy women being able to kick in unison stir up such glee? I can’t dance a lick and even I could do a synchronized kick. I mean, why not  have all the Rockettes correctly identify Botswana on a map? Now THAT would be impressive. . .)

Also, wanna see some real enthusiasm over some line dancing? Please, let me refer you to this (slightly NSFW) link. (H/T, Princess Rainbow Puke.)

So this week’s challenge is simple: Design a dress for the Rockettes.

Dmitry is in Dmitry heaven. He’s been waiting all his life for this moment.

Elena has made a promise to herself that she’s not going to let the competition get to her and be so stressed out. This lasts for approximately 6 whole minutes as far as I can tell.

At Mood, Elena goes a little overbudget. And when I say a little over budget, I mean the U.S. Secretary of Treasury is looking at Elena and saying, “Girl, learn to balance a budget!” (Just a joke, people. Obama in 2012!!!)

Her budget was $300 and she spent $450. No big whoop.

For reasons not totally made clear, Tim tells the final 7 that they get to have a nice dinner on the town. (Now, if this was Top Chef, halfway through dinner Padma would inform them that they had to make the dinner, bus the tables, do the dishes, and redesign the restaurant. But no bait and switch here. An actual leisurely dinner.)

Elena takes this time to apologize to Dmitry.

“I’m sorry I was a bitch to you sometimes,” she says. “I’m usually really not like that.”

Can I say something to Elena, just between us girls? I’ve now watched approximately 810 minutes of  you on my television screen. In those 810 minutes, you’ve been a bitch for about 750 of them. It’s who you are. Own it.

That being said, Dmitry seems to accept her apology.

“It think it’s wine. Wine is working.”

(I love Dmitry’s complete lack of articles. “The” is such an over-rated word in the American language.)

Next day, Tim comes to check on their progress.

Sometimes, I think Tim just says catch phrases so they can put out the second edition of the talking Tim Gunn doll and/or turn it into a YouTube autotune sensation.

“Bitchslap that bitch” (said to Fabio about his fabric NOT about Elena, BTW) is one of those moments.

Like everyone else, Tim falls in love with Christopher’s New York skyline dress but wishes it had stars.

Christopher agrees, but unfortunately, doesn’t have the sequins to create a star effect.

And then Tim does something I didn’t even know Tim was authorized to do:

He tells the designers they have $100 extra to go back to Mood.

He claims it’s for the sake of all the designers, but I have to say I think it was killing Tim that Christopher couldn’t do the twinkle effect and he basically made up a new rule on the spot.

Wonder if that $400 (3 designers stayed behind) came out of his pocket.

(Speaking of designers staying behind: You’ll NEVER guess which designer stayed behind because his dress was already perfect,  his fabric choice exactly right, his quantity of fabric impeccable, and his dress a surefire winner?) (Oh Ven... don't ever change.)

Anyway, runway time!

Debra Messing is the guest judge, somewhat curious in light of her historically hideous wardrobe on Smash, brilliantly documented in this Vulture investigative report.

The most hilarious moment on the runway comes when Melissa realizes that a giant number one is emblazoned across her dress. How she could’ve possibly missed this is beyond me. That thing wasn’t the least bit subliminal. It was totally liminal.

Numbers 2-16 would follow

(When Melissa laughed over her numerical monstrosity it made me love her a little more, tho.)

The second most hilarious moment was the Debra Messing Is Not Amused Face that she wore when Elena’s dress came marching down the runway. Hopefully somebody screenshot that look of complete and utter disgust.

So Fabio is safe. I thought his dress looked like something a Rockette robot would wear, but whatevs.

So…in brief:
Sonjia’s dress was a “disco turkey.”

Dmitry’s dress was a “exciting, polished, impeccably made.”

Ven’s dress needed more drama, but Debra Messing kinda sorta liked it. (She, however, would wear it as a cape.)

Melissa’s dress was more cigarette girl than Rockette and, uh, nice try with the giant subliminal number one there, missy.

Christopher’s dress was stunning,  “a Bob Mackie moment.”

Elena’s dress is so busy it wants to “sing and dance on its own.”

Backstage, Ven puts his arm around Elena, consoling her for her inevitable loss to him.

And the winner is ….Christopher!

Everyone else is declared safe.

It comes down to Ven against Elena and Ven is clearly thinking how insulting it is that he even has to be subjected to this bottom 2 ritual and can they just eliminate Elena already so he can move onto his next Origami Rose creation?

And then—start spreading the news!—Ven is OUT.

And Elena looks like this:

And all of America looks like this: