Friday, September 28, 2012

Yeah Baby! The Project Runway recap

Ryan Murphy's next sitcom

There should be a special corner of hell reserved for moms who want their toddlers to look “edgy.”
First of all, how the hell can a baby look edgy? I mean, do you really look at an 18-month-old and think, “Oh, she must have an awesome studio in the Village where she crafts her subversive finger paintings while smoking Gauloises”?
Second of all, edgy doesn’t sound comfortable, soft, or cute—all things a baby’s wardrobe is supposed to be.
Just stop it, moms.

Anyway, yes, we’re at Babies R Us (sadly, my Blogger font doesn’t include a backwards R with a star in it, so just use your imagination people) where—surprise, surprise—Heidi has a line of clothing called “Fuck You, I’m a Baby!” (Just kidding. It’s called Truly Scrumptious.)

The challenge is simple (at first): Design a cute getup for a 12-18 month old toddler. Since there are 3 boys and 3 girls, Heidi—who is always trying to milk as much free labor from her contestants as possible—will pick 2 winning looks.
The designers are randomly paired with their patooties. 

It’s Dmitry who gets edgy mom.
But Christopher’s mom (“Mary J. Blige,” Sonjia calls her) is no picnic. She describes her child as “fashion forward.” *Headdesk*
(Basically half the moms are like, “My little dumpling is fashion forward.” And the other half are like, “He needs snaps cause he pees himself.”)

Does this onesie make me look fat?

They’re about to head back to the studio when Heidi says, “I have a special surprise.”
And Tim, quite literally, says, “Mwah ha ha!”

The surprise comes in the form of baby dolls—but not the kind that sit there and do nothing.
“[They're the] screaming crying babies they give to teenagers before they have sex,” explains Elena.

Dmitry, for his part, is upset because he’s been given a black baby. Where’s Maury Povich when you really need him?

Then he decides to name his baby Brandon. (Didn’t see that coming.)
Elena names her baby Asshole. (Saw that coming.)

Fabio, as it turns out, is a great nurturer of his Baby-Screams-a-Lot.
“Fabio is obsessed with baby,” says Dmitry. “The baby is not real Fabio. Leave the baby alone. It wants to sleep.”

Oh, Dmitry. Marry me.

Meanwhile, Dmitry’s baby will totally have shaken baby syndrome. Dude, you’re supposed to gently rock the baby, not swing it around like a javelin.

Twist number two: Now, the designers have to make a complementary look for the moms, too!

This sends a few of them off the deep end.
Elena, in particular, starts drawing Dali-esque abstractions into her HP tablet, The Shining style. Never a good sign.

Then they have to bring their “babies” to Mood, so they basically look like 6 delusional schizophrenics with a day pass.

There’s a fitting and the only thing Christopher’s mom hates more than her look (“I feel like I have on my mom’s 1970s tablecloth”) is her baby’s look (“not under any circumstances.”).
Christopher, wisely, slaps on a conciliatory belt and sticks to his guns.

Runway Day!
New mom Hilary Duff is the guest judge. (But she can’t be a mom! Because she’s on the Disney Network and she’s, like, 12! Right? Right? La, la, la, I can’t hear you.)

What follows is the cutest runway show in the history of ever. And, in an ironic twist, many of these toddlers weigh more than the actual models. (Heh…)
But seriously? When Elena’s baby waddles behind the runway screen, my ovaries actually explode.

All 6 designers stay on stage for the judging.

First Sonjia
For starters, Sonjia totally lucked out with her little fellow, Jude, who is the cutest thing ever and a total flirt. (My friend Evan hates when people refer to babies as flirts. It grosses him out. But seriously, this little dude? Working the room.)

"You've been a wonderful audience"

Everyone loves her little man-suit with the elbow patches. (And you know a lot of guys at home are like, “Why can’t I have a comfy fleece onesie business suit?”)

Next Melissa, whose baby has the dreaded ED (in this case, Exposed Diaper.)
She saves herself with an awesome vest. 

To be honest, I think the exposed diaper works for her

Fabio’s modern take on nautical is a big hit.

Elena’s baby looks like she just came from a “baby sample sale” according to Michael Kors. It's all too much. (Elena? Overdesigning? Say it ain’t so!)

Dmitry’s baby is sleeping.
“You never wake a sleeping baby,” Heidi says, mantra-like. Everyone nods solemnly.
People like Dmitry’s look, although Nina notes the all red get-up with the pointy hood resembles a crayon.

And if I may add my two cents here: I hate a pointy hood. I have this bitchin’ Mike and Chris leather jacket with a pointy hood that I can never put up. My sister calls it a “penis hood” but to me, pointy hoods evoke gnomes or members of the Ku Klux Klan. Ugh.

Anyway, Dmitry’s baby wakes up and is probably scarred for life seeing Michael Kors’ orange face looming over him like that so unexpectedly.

Finally, Christopher’s dress.
Adorable, but impractical they all agree.
“The mom would totally wear that dress,” says Michael Kors, with confidence.
And Christopher’s mom grits her teeth. 

Please someone remind Heidi that this is not actually one of her babies

The winners are Sonjia and Christopher! 

That looks NOTHING like Christopher's dress

And the Bottom 2 are Melissa and Elena.
And…Elena is out.
(I actually enjoyed Elena’s mordant personality and will kinda miss the little she-devil. But I literally didn’t like a SINGLE THING she designed in the entire competition. So it was her time.)

Backstage, in an unexpected twist, Dmitry gets down on one knee and says, “Make me happiest ballroom dancer on planet and marry me Elena so we can make beautiful Project Runway babies together and live happily ever after in the Motherland.”
Well, okay, he should’ve said that. In fact, they didn’t even hug goodbye. Dmelena is officially dead.

At least we'll always have this picture

Did anyone else notice smoldering glances between Tim Gunn and Fabio? Gabio anyone?


Cliff O'Neill said...

I would have taken those fake babies and melted them with a lighter after having cross-stitched their little electronic mouths shut. That is all.

MoHub said...

The fun part is that they never build into those dolls the fourth reason babies cry: They're tired and need a nap. In such cases, you put them in the crib, shut the door, and wait for them to nod off. If the designers could have done that with the dolls, well—