Thursday, December 6, 2007

I'm Not Catty Like That: The ANTM recap

As we speak, I am looking at Bianca’s portfolio.
And here she is, scowling in a smock and skinny jeans.
And there she is, sneering from a rock climbing wall.
And there she stands, looking like the most pissed off sunflower in the garden.
And oh hey, it’s Bianca giving the evil eye in front of a bunch of oil cans
And so on.
The funny thing about Bianca is that she has the kind of freakish alien beauty—light-bulb shaped head, eyes wide set—that usually cleans up on America’s Next Top Model. But in this case, not so much. Those photographs were like windows to her Mean Girl soul.
(How fabulously harsh was it when Tyra told her to have her siblings take Polaroids of her before she considered approaching an agency? Translation: Girl, you ain’t ready yet.)
And thank goodness Jeneh wasn’t eliminated. I’m sorry. Just take a look at the group shot. To me, Jeneh clearly stands in the crowd. Her eyes, as Twiggy noted, pierce. Saleisha is second. Chantal is a distant third. Bianca looks, well. . . why kick a model when she’s down?
And yet so much talk lately about Jeneh’s fading personality. And her impenetrable sarcasm. And her swan song. Give the girl a break. So she’s homesick. Big whoop. Her pictures are still, to borrow a word from Project Runway’s Christian, feroche! (Is feroche the new fierce? Discuss among yourselves.)

Not much to really talk about this episode.
Heather won Cover Girl of the Week in absentia, just as predicted.
Classic moment: Bianca beginning to read Heather’s letter: “Dear Jeneh” . . .
Chantal and Jeneh were overdressed for elimination (but where else can they wear their Chinese couture gowns?).
Tyra referred to Bianca’s “gorgeous spirit” and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
Chantal got called first. Huh. Her warrior pic was cool, but her group shot was weak. She looked constipated.

I leave you with various nicknames I’ve seen for Bianca on the TWoP message boards:

Here, I’ll add one of my own:

And I'm out.

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