Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ho Hum: The ANTM Finale

Okay, you can view Saleisha’s big win in one of two ways:
As a soul-crushing march to the inevitable, where a girl who went to Tyra’s “become a Tyra clone” camp and was already featured as a model on The Tyra Banks Show gets the expected victory. (Yes, that’s Rami from Project Runway whose clothes Saleisha is modeling. . . at this rate, we’ll have Donald Trump auditioning for The Apprentice)
Or, you can view it as a triumph over a seriously butt-ugly haircut. I prefer to focus on the latter.

But of course, I’m ahead of myself.
Sooo much to talk about!
First, let’s talk about Chantal’s magical powers to interpret Tyra Mail. I’m not sure if this is a useful talent going forward in life, but you can not deny that the girl has skillz.
Chantal clearly plays the odds, which led to her second week blunder where she read: “For now you can all go crazy!” as a clear indication of makeover week.
But she recovered nicely a few episodes later when she correctly surmised that “You will be aMUSED” meant that they were going to “teach us to be inspiring!” And this week, she knew that “it’s time to show me your flava” meant “Cover Girl flavored lip gloss!” (I sooooo would’ve guessed giant clocks around their necks.)
However, before we start handing out mensas, she later proved that metaphor is a still a shaky concept for her when she said of Jaslene: “I want to be in her shoes—cute little yellow strappy shoes!”
She also added, convincingly in this case, that she would be the perfect Cover Girl because she’s “friendly, loves life and loves . . .. delicious fruity lip gloss!”
Hard to argue with that.
Sweet girl, that Chantal. Massive ego.
Speaking of massive ego, Tyra was in rare form last night.
I loved the queenly nod she gave to start the fashion show. Dressed in silk robes, carried by foot servants to a throne, wordlessly nodding to start the ceremonies, you could tell that Tyra was thinking, “Yes, this feels just about right.”
Later, she complained (disingenuously) about how hard it is to be up there all alone to deliver the winning verdict, to which Miss J helpfully replied: “I’ll stand with you.” It was hilarious to see the wheels spinning in her head: “Must. Have. Spotlight. Can’t. Let. Miss J. Steal. Thunder.”
“But I couldn’t see past your afro,” she quickly quipped. Nice recovery, Ty-Ty.
Ah, poor Jeneh. I knew she was toast. All she did was take the “some of the strongest photos I’ve ever seen,” according to Tyra. But you know, this isn’t actually a model competition, it’s about inner beauty as well. (Because, yeah, Naomi Campbell is such an inner beauty and that really hurt her modeling career.) Hey, Jeneh, I’ll take your surly, sarcastic inner beauty anyday over those girly girls who “spew rainbows.”
Meanwhile, did you see how Saleisha just totally broke down when she was in the bottom two with Jeneh? Not a quivering lip. Not a girlish tear trickling delicately down her cheek. Full on, snot-coming-out-of-her-nose, puffy eyes, mascara-bleeding bawling.
It was here that I thought, “Dag. Saleisha won’t be able to take it if she loses.”
Chantal, bless her heart, has the kind of unshakable blonde-girl confidence that allows her have setbacks and bounce right back. A little lipgloss, a pair of strappy shoes, a Starbucks Frapuccino and she’s good to go.
Saleisha, on the other hand, is a fragile creature. She would have lost her shit if she didn’t win. Not that it really mattered.
Saleisha owned the runway. She looked like she’d walked the runway countless times. (Because she had, people!). Chantal looked wobbly. (And, uh, the person whose idea was it to pair giant trains with guys on stilts? Fire that person.)
So Tootie—er, I mean, Saleisha—wins. Good for her. See you at Walmart.
One last conspiracy theory for the season: Why was there no Cover Girl of the Week last night? We all know that Heather won again. So why not show us? Maybe because it undermines the Saleisha victory that, well, nobody was clamoring for. I'm just sayin' . . .

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