The Hills: I’m Just Not That Into It

Hey look! It’s the second in a multiple part series that I didn’t even know I was starting. (Scan down to see my post on my Dancing With the Stars hate.) Apparently, I’m not in synch with the hearts and minds of the American public. Darn!
Onto today’s topic: The Hills.
Recently, I’ve noticed that The Hills has been hijacking the cover of all my favorite gossip rags and celebrity websites. I can’t escape the damn show. There’s Lauren Conrad whining about being betrayed (for the umpteenth time—is this girl a doormat or what?) from the cover of Us Weekly. There’s Heidi and Spencer sporting (nauseating) His and Her bunny ears for an Easter photo op on TMZ.com. There’s Audrina posing scantily in what she considered an “artistic” shoot (ha!) all over the dang internet.
I ask you this question: Where’s Kristen Cavallari when you really need her?
Seriously, back in the day, there was Laguna Beach and it was good.
We had the “good girl” Lauren Conrad, who was sort of dim and bland, but at least approximated girl-next-door behavior.
Then we had my hero: “bad girl” Kristen: blonde, ballsy, bitchy—a gloriously sociopathic mean girl with a perfect tan and the keys to Daddy’s Range Rover. Of course, she got the hottie surfer guy, too.
In a million years, if you had said to me: Which of these two trust fund Lolitas is going to get her own show and end up being a bigger pop culture phenomenon—I would’ve answered Kristen without hesitation. Girlfriend brought the entertainment.
But no. Instead, we have The Hills, starring drippy Lauren and her dim-witted friends, a cast of the most preening, self-involved, charmless “celebutantes” I’ve ever seen in my life.
Alongside the expression-deprived Lauren, who seems to hate on all of her friends’ boyfriends (hello pot, meet kettle), we have Lauren’s chief rival, part-time “singer” and fulltime famewhore Heidi, who may or may not have started a rumor about Lauren having a sex tape with that skeevy ex boyfriend of hers, Jason. As rivals go, the mousy Heidi is hardly a force to be reckoned with. If Kristen was a piranha, Heidi is a guppy.
Next we have long-limbed Audrina, who has a taste for bad boys, short shorts, and words with one syllable.
There’s also another girl, Whitney (like Lauren, she “works” for Teen Vogue), who, as far as I can tell, pretty much exists to fulfill the blonde quotient for the show.
Of course, there’s serial dater and reality TV show hopper Brody Jenner, son of plastic surgery victim/Olympiad Bruce Jenner and half brother of plastic surgery victim/fellow reality show hopper Kim Kardashian. (Not two brain cells to rub together at that family dinner table.)
Finally, there’s Spencer Pratt. Ahh, Spencer. One of my favorite writers, Joe Queenan, once did a story about people who you just want to smack. It’s completely irrational. You look at them and you want to sock them in the jaw. Geraldo Rivera is a classic example. So is Tucker Carlson. Spencer is the worst of the bunch.
First of all, he has a baby face and an Eddie Haskell nature that belies the fact that he is a complete and utter tool. Then, to make matters worse, he grows some sort of facial hair on that baby face—which is not only distracting, it’s slightly disturbing. (Gag, meet reflex).
I want these people off my TV! Off my magazine covers! Off my internet! I want the world to see the light and realize how insipid and annoying they all are!
At the very least, I may try to betray Lauren, date someone she disapproves of, or start a sex tape rumor about her so I can get on the cover of Us Weekly, too.