A Bunch of Tulles: The Project Runway recap

I blame Uli.
Yes, Uli. Remember her?
She was a contestant three seasons ago and, going into the last episode before Bryant Park, she was clearly in fourth place.

Sexy, sultry (and sensual) Michael was in the lead. Neck-tatted scourge-of-the-universe Jeffrey was in second. Fertility-chic Laura was in third and Uli was clearly holding up the rear. It was only academic that she would not make it Bryant Park.

And then something unexpected happened: Uli designed a kick ass dress. It was chic, it was hot. It was undeniable.

So the Project Runway judges threw out all the preexisting rules and said, “To hell with it! They can ALL show in Bryant Park.”

But, as they say in the world of reality show rules, “once you go slack, you can never go back.”

So last year we had the slightly-less shocking collection-off between Drapey McDraperson (aka Rami) and bear extraordinaire Chris March.

And now this year we get the even-less-shocking-still four-way tie into the finale.
(By the way, how burned was Jerell by all this? He wins the penultimate episode but isn’t a lock to make Bryant Park? What’s up with that? For that matter, why’d they have to announce a winner at all? They should’ve just said, “Nobody wins and therefore, ironically, you all win.” All the designs were crap.)

Alright, back to the top.
As the show begins, our contestants—sensing the end is nigh— are getting a bit twitchy. Jerell talks to fruit. Everyone cries—a lot. And the gang decides to shun Kenley like she’s Sarah Palin at a NOW convention.

Today’s challenge? Design a dress inspired by the New York Botanical Garden! (Hi, Aunt Lois!).

Tim Gunn makes some totally obscure Joan Crawford-hates- gardens remark—this may be a reference to Mommy Dearest, but everyone knows that “NO WIRE HANGERS” is the only catch phrase from that film with legs—and the designers have one hour to photograph flowers (and dodge bugs—rumors of the demise of bumble bees seem to be greatly exaggerated if this tableaux is any indication)

Off to Mood they go, where Kenley—ominously—leaves behind a bag of tulle. (If I had a dollar for every time I left a bag of tulle lying around . . .). Korto notices the unclaimed bag and decides to do . . .nothing. Demerits to Korto. But trust me, she’s not alone.

Back at the studio, I keep waiting for Kenley to have a cow, but for the longest time she is blissfully unaware that she has a toolbox without tulle.

Finally, she notices it, at which point, we discover just how unpopular Kenley is. Because Jerell has extra tulle. And Korto has extra tulle (that she is now actively stuffing into a bag to hide from Kenley—I'm surprised no one was flushing their tulle down the toilet).
And Kenley ain’t gettin’ any of that tulle.
Not even a swatch.

Now, I am in the minority of home viewers (a 31 percent minority to be exact) when I say, they should’ve given Kenley some damn tulle. Yes, I know she’s a brat. Yes, I know she’s annoying. But how do these people look at themselves in the mirror?

Luckily, Tim Gunn to the rescue. It’s curious that everyone—including Kenley—assumed that Kenley was completely screwed and didn’t even consider the fact that she would be given the opportunity to go back to Mood and claim her bag.
The other designers were too busy smirking with schaudenfraudal glee to consider that option and Kenley herself was too busy freaking out.

Leave it to Tim Gunn to succinctly, fairly, and clearly tell Kenley that she should go back and get her bag. “I don’t want you to be handicapped,” he said. Keep in mind that just last week, Kenley was being totally, unacceptably snippy to Tim Gunn. This is why Tim Gunn exists on a higher plain of consciousness than you or I. We shouldn’t even try.

Various ugly dresses are being made—and I have a sad, nostalgic flashback to Daniel Voscivic’s orchid dress (these dresses couldn’t fertilize his orchid dress)—and then everyone goes home and freaks out and cries some more.

Down the runway they come!

Leanne’s dress is pretty, but I actually hate the lavender color. Also, the back is all “janky,” as Korto would say.

Jerell’s dress has some great ideas—about 8 too many, if you ask me. But it has a certain Betsey Johnson charm, even if I desperately want more fabric in the boobal region.

Korto’s dress is perfectly constructed but ugly. Also, gag me with that tangerine color. Combine it with Leanne’s dress and we have a shower curtain in Boca.

Kenley’s dress is . . .weird. As Tim Gunn said, “More oceanic than botanical” which seems a bad choice, what with this being the garden challenge and all. And when Heidi Klum tells Kenley it isn’t elegant, she snaps back: “I wasn’t going for elegant, Heidi!” (She was going for that trailer trash mermaid look.)

Then more misery for Kenley as everyone has to choose which two designers they’d like to join them in Bryant Park and Korto picks Jerell and Leanne and Jerell does a little ditty about “Korto and Leanne and Jerell in the tent” and Leanne says she only wants “good people” to join her in the finale (implied message: not you, Kenley) and the whole thing is pretty harsh.

Then the “shocking” announcement that they are ALL doing finale collections, but only three will make it to Bryant Park, followed by the most awkward group hug in the history of group hugs. (Is it really a group hug if the entire group doesn’t actually hug? Discuss among yourselves.)

Good lord, is it okay for me to say that I don’t like any of these people? I never thought I’d write these words, but Maxie misses Suede.