Petal to the Metal: The Project Runway Finale recap

Since the final 3 were bunched up this close, I found myself looking for signs.

Sign number one: Kenley had a breakthrough. (Of sorts.)
It went something like this. Kenley told Tim that she was going to have her model wear the wedding dress as her signature look, because, as she trilled, “The judges LOVED it!”. Tim, in his droll, Socrates-meets-Armani way, responded, “That was your interpretation?”
Kenley demurred, slightly, acknowledging that maybe, kinda, sorta the judges thought she had ripped off her dress from Alexander McQueen, and then she worked herself into a lather, saying, “It’s insulting that they thought it was a knockoff!” And Tim Gunn walked away with a look that all cultures could universally recognize as, “Bitch please.”
But then, something truly remarkable occurred. Kenley. . . changed her mind. She actually agreed with Tim Gunn. Tim was so thunderstruck by this turn of events, he blew Kenley a tender kiss. There is hope for peace in the Middle East.

Sign number two: A dog pooped next to Leanne’s gown. I’m no Miss Cleo, but that can’t be good, right?


Sign number three: Korto decided to make two extra dresses. What? It’s one thing when Tim Gunn has you “gather round” and then he breaks the soul-crushing news that you have to make two extra dresses. But to do it voluntarily? As Kenley said, “It has to be impeccably made, or you’re out!” Cut to a rather janky looking hem on one of Korto’s dresses. Rut ro.

Sign number four: Kenley has a loveable rags to riches story! Last year, she snuck into Bryant Park and got kicked out! The editor in me can’t wait to write the lead on that story when Kenley wins. (On the other hand, it does sort of fly in the face of Kenley’s “Oops, I knocked off a designer who’s work I’ve never even SEEN before” excuse. If the little lassie is sneaking into the tents, she’s a dedicated follower of fashion.)

Sign number five: Korto gives the following inspirational speech, “Shine in your moment, ladies!”—and promptly trips. So much for shining.

Sign number six: One of Leanne’s dresses has a collar that looks something like the thing I put on my mutt Harriet’s neck when she’s not supposed to bite her stitches—and it’s saggy. And floppy. Leanne has to make a last minute switcheroo.

Sign number seven: The cooler-than-thou fashion world hates Kenley, too. At one point, as she screams a little too boisterously when she gets a zipper up on a model, an army of hungry hipsters turned to Kenley with looks that all cultures could universally recognize as, “Bitch please.”

So let’s add it all up.
Leanne has 2 bad signs (poop and saggy collar.)
Korto has 2 bad signs (janky hem and janky inspirational speech)
Kenley has 2 good signs (Tim Gunn lovefest and loveable rags to riches story) and one bad sign (like everyone else, models hate her).

Which means. . . Kenley wins! Uh, not so much. Told ya I wasn’t Miss Cleo.

As for the collections themselves:

I liked a lot of Korto’s dresses, especially the one green mini dress with the mustard-colored belt, but I'll just never dig those dojo-master silhouettes she does with the flared sleeves.

Kenley had some of my favorite individual pieces—loved her signature look with hot-pink and navy-striped lining—but her collection didn’t congeal—it did, indeed, sometimes look like a Holly Hobby explosion.

As for our big winner Leanne’s collection? Impeccably made and dull as the dirt you plant those petals in, if you ask me.

A few more thoughts. . .
•Do none of these designers watch America’s Next Top Model or, for that matter, their own network’s Make Me a Supermodel?
I noticed Dani, Bianca, Naima (poor dear wasn’t cast) and the tall drink of water from Make Me a Supermodel and the only model they recognized was . . . Morgan from Season One of Project Runway? (So somebody does know those damn model’s names, after all.)

•Heidi bravely concealed her seething contempt for Jennifer Lopez, who, yes, cancelled at the last minute due to a “foot injury.” Yes, J Lo, Beethoven composed symphonies while deaf, but it’s impossible to judge a fashion show with a “foot injury.”

•Did anyone else notice that when Korto came back stage—thus sealing Leanne’s win—the little he-Leanne did a PeeWee Herman like jump for joy?

•Leanne and her model (Tia) seem unusually . . .close.

•For those who blinked and missed it: Korto won fan favorite. Yes, they announced it while you were fast-forwarding your DVR. How terribly anti-climactic. (I would’ve voted for cartoon character Blayne, who totally grew on me as the season progressed and looked so fetch in his little goth-Speed Racer getup last night.)

•Leanne, I command you to never say the following words again: “100 thousand dolla, drinks are on this brotha.”
Just no.

So there ya have it folks. The season is over. Too bad Bravo ended on a whimper, not a bang.
Next year, look for challenges in cross-stitching, tea cozies, and mom jeans on the Lifetime Network. See ya there.

(P.S. I’m going to attempt to recap Top Chef this season. So do come check it out.)