Booby Trap: The Bachelor Recap

"I'd Rather Be Skinny Dipping"

 

In case you missed it the first 45 times she mentioned it during last night’s show, Courtney and Ben went skinny dipping last week.

And she really, really, really wants to do it again. Got it?

So the gang’s in Panama City now.

“The dates are exponentially getting more important,” Ben says thoughtfully. (And I’m pretty sure he’s the first person in the history of this show to use the word “exponentially”)

The first datecard reads: Kacie B: Will Our Love Survive?
(Normally, I would think this was metaphorical survival, but considering the extreme nature of Ben’s dates—scaling bridges, spelunking, et al—I half wonder if they’re going to do some sort of cliff dive.)

Blakely is so jealous that Kacie gets the first date, she playfully tackles Kacie to the couch. (Somewhere, Monica is watching and weeping.)

(By the way, I’ll just be calling her Kacie, m’kay? I’m pretty sure you can all read the difference between the names Kacie and Casey.)

Turns out this survivor thing was kinda literal: They are being dropped off on Walt Disney’s Deserted Tropical Island ™!

I hope Wilson the volleyball is there.

So not much happens. Kacie says this: “Watching Ben cracking open a coconut is just so hot.” And I’d like to make fun of her for saying that, but I kinda agree.

Ben gives us the obligatory Benservations:

1. If we can survive 5 hours on a pseudo-deserted island with a camera crew in tow, we can accomplish anything!

2. I can’t believe how laid back and chill Kacie is! She just rolls with the punches. Her behavior today is an absolute indicator of how she’ll behave for the rest of our lives!

Then a romantic dinner for two where Kacie brilliantly bares her soul to Ben and confesses that she had an eating disorder.

Now I’m not suggesting for a second that Kacie didn’t have an eating disorder. I’m sure she did. (And good for her for overcoming it.) But even if she hadn’t, this would be a great strategy. Because the only thing that turns Ben on more than women baring their breasts to him? Women baring their souls to him.

So Kacie gets the rose and then they neck on a cobblestone street, which is turning into their “thing.”

“On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic,” Kacie gushes, seriously putting a strain on her “Max’s favorite contestant” status.

Next up, the card for the group date, featuring:

Nicki

Lindzzzzi

Casey

Courtney

Emily

and

Jamie

So, Rachel and Blakely can count. (Well, at least Rachel can.) That leaves two of them for the dreaded, gladiator-like two-on-one date:  Two girls enter the ring, only one leaves with a rose.

Rachel, predictably, is freaked out by this prospect. Blakely, however,  is beside herself with excitement.

“How can it be awkward?” she enthuses. “We’ll be with Ben!”

Here’s how it can be awkward: Ben takes Rachel and Blakely salsa dancing! Such a sexy dance— for two.  There is no third wheel in the world more third wheely than “girl who is awkwardly watching her man do the forbidden dance with a romantic rival on reality TV dating show.”

Naturally, Blakely is a very good dancer, because VIP cocktail waitresses sometimes find themselves serving cocktails on stage with a poll.

But I’ve skipped ahead. First the group date, where Ben rolls up on a long, phallic-tastic boat.

On the boat, Courtney kind of feels herself up, as she is wont to do: “I’m so wet,” she says happily.

They end up in a tribal village, where they are costumed in native garb.

Guess which of the girls decides to forgo her bra and just wear the beaded halt. . .oh for God’s sake, it’s Courtney.

“I’m bare chestin’ it!” she exclaims, fondling her boobs once again.

This is obviously so exposing that ABC has to essentially REDACT her chest for the entire segment.

Ben emerges from his hut wearing a loin cloth. He immediately notes that he appreciates Courtney’s commitment to the native costume.

And by “commitment to the native costume” he means “breasts.”

Then there is body painting with Courtney literally branding her man with an “C+B = ♥” tattoo.

“I don’t know if the other girls can make it any easier on me,” Courtney states. “I feel like Ben and I are having a one-on-one with five other girls.”

Another night, another poolside party.

Ben takes Lindzzzzi aside (anyone else see her as the frontrunner at this point?)

Lindzzzi tells Ben that she struggles with opening up to guys.

“Because you don’t want to go to Dumpsville again?” he says. (I can not believe he went there. Way to remind a girl of her lowest moment. Next he’ll be telling Kacie she looks fat.)

Then, he’s alone with Courtney. They talk a lot about skinny dipping.

“I’m in Room 1611,” she says. “That’s a one followed by a six, followed by two more ones. Sixteenth floor. Eleventh room. One. Six. One. One.”
“Got it,” Ben says.

 “I’m sorry I lay it all out there,” says Courtney. (And by "lay" she means. . .oh nevermind.)

“No, it’s okay! I like it!” says Ben. Because he is a boy.

Next, the funniest moment of the show, by far, as poor awkward Danica Patrick lookalike Jamie is breaking down her feelings for Ben but he is slightly distracted by the fact that Courtney has stripped down to a string bikini and has—la-di-da!—decided to take a dip in the pool not 6 feet away from them.

This reminds me a bit of this brilliant bit from Community (RIP) where Abed delivers a child in the background.

Then there’s one on one time with Emily, which goes so well, she decides to apologize to Courtney. At this point, I want to strangle Emily. Look, it’s one thing to recognize that badmouthing Courtney is dumb, but only because it a strategically bad move. Not because you were wrong about her. Not because she is anything even slightly resembling nice.

Courtney, shockingly, does not accept Emily’s apology.

“I’m supposed to bend over and take it up the tailpipe?” she says. (Stay classy, Courtney!)

Ben gives the group date rose to Lindzzzi. Hurrah!

Cut to a scene of Courtney preparing for her big night of illicit romance with Ben. She puts on makeup, she fluffs her hair, she gropes herself a bit. But burn burn Courtney—Ben doesn’t show.

(Oh, Ben, I could kiss you right now). (If you brushed, flossed, gargled, took some penicillin and fumigated first).

Back to the Salsa Dance of Shame.

Rachel tries to cut-in, Blakely doesn’t let her. More awkwardness ensues.

Finally, they go to dinner. The rose mocks Rachel and Blakely with its presence.

Not awkward at all.

Ben takes each girl outside.

He and Rachel snog a bit.

Then Blakely shows Ben her scrapbook called: Blakely’s Big First Book of Ben. And then she cries.

Now, normally I would advise a gal pal that the two worst things she could do on a one-on-one date are cry and share obsessive scrapbooking. But with Ben, who knows? This kind of thing could be catnip to him.

But nope, he gives the rose to Rachel.

A crying cat follows Blakely and Ben to the limo. This is clearly Blakely's spirit animal.

Back at the hotel, luggage guys comes in and looks at both bags. He feints left, then right. Then grabs Blakely’s bag.

The man deserves an Emmy.

Does anyone care about the whole drama with Casey? In the previews, I actually thought someone in her family had died. But no, she just has an ex boyfriend she’s still hung up on.

“It was brought to my attention by 3 people in the United States, that you’re in love with someone else and not in love with Ben,” says Chris Harrison.

Do 3 people in the United States constitute a quorum now?

Anyway, she’s gonzo. She will be missed. (Not really.)

Final cocktail party.

Jamie is determined to show Ben that she’s all woman.

She does this by abruptly straddling him and giggling as she tries to kiss him.

But despite the fact that she’s all woman, and very sexual, and very experienced, she seems to find kissing boys kinda icky and silly and gross.

So she tries to tell Ben how to kiss.

“First, our mouths will be closed. Then, once we’re feeling each other, we’re going to open our mouths.”
“That’s normally how kissing goes,” Ben says.

(Seriously, trying to teach Ben how to kiss is like trying to teach Mitt Romney how to fire people.)

They try again, but Jamie keeps laughing, so finally they just give up.

It’s a new party game: Seven Minutes in Hell.

Note to Monica: If you’re still watching the show (and reading this blog), call Jamie. I think she might be a little confused about whose closed mouth she wants to be kissing.

So yeah, no real mystery about who’s going home. It’s the kissing bandit herself, Jamie.

And here, for what it’s worth, is my no guts/no glory prediction on how the girls rank at this point. (By the way, this is totally unspoiled, just a hunch.)

6. Rachel

5. Emily

4. Nicki

3. Courtney

2. Kacie

1. Lindzzzi

Next week, Courtney seems to get dressed down, but I seriously doubt she’s going anywhere. She’s pretty much the only reason any of us are watching the show at this point.