The United States of Courtney: The Bachelor recap

Striped Ass

I’ve decided that Courtney has essentially four personality modes:
1. Vixen-like seductress

2. Mean-girl-style psychological terrorist

3. Creepy, self-fondling baby  talker

4. Crying basketcase.

Blend, serve, and you’ve got the cocktail that is Courtney. Needless to say, all four sides of Courtney emerged at various points throughout last night’s show. Hooray!

So this week, they're in Belize.

“The house is beautiful,” says Emily. “Too bad and  I’m sharing it with four women and a shark.”

(Just for the record, later in the show, Courtney will also be compared to a black widow, and during the show’s final credits, she will be seen stroking a tarantula. True story.)

The first date card arrives. It’s for Lindzzzi—my pick to win the whole shebang.

“Two Halves Make a Whole” the card reads. (Or did it actually say “Two Halves Make a Hole”? This would’ve been that rare case where one of the show’s horrible puns might’ve made sense—since they were actually jumping into a hole—but I think they blew it.)

Ben comes over and for some reason, he’s dressed like a 4-year-old mime in this precious Garanimals-style cotton striped tanktop.

Nonetheless, Emily compares him to a giant slice of cheesecake that  has been taken away from her (no, it didn’t make any more sense when she said it, either.)

The Bachelor producers must have some iron-clad insurance policies, because this week, Ben and Lindzzi are jumping out of a helicopter and into the Blue Hole. (Next week: Ben and the girls play a sexy game of Russian Roulette! “If we can survive a potentially fatal gun shot wound to the head, we can survive anything!” Ben enthuses.)

Of course, Lindzz is afraid of heights.

They kiss.

“A kiss before dying,” Ben cracks. (He’s kidding, right? Right?) And they jump.

Aaaand cue the longest metaphor session yet. (The only thing Ben likes more than a long makeout session is a long metaphor session.)

“I literally fell for Ben,” says Lindzzi.

“We really took a leap today,” says Ben.

“It’s truly like falling in love,” Ben says.

Make. It. Stop.

Afterward, they walk along the pier, where some candles and cushions and wine is set up.

“Oh, is this us?” asks Lindzzzzi.

No, it’s for the other reality show contestants that will be along in a few minutes.

There’s this whole nonsense with sending a message in a bottle—barf—and Lindzzi and Ben write the fairytale story of their love.

Lots of nuzzling and snuggling. And all I can say is, it’s a good thing Ben wore dark colors cause otherwise Lindzzzi’s self-tanner might stain his shirt.

“I can really see myself with Lindzzzi,” Ben says. (A clue? Naaaa. As we’ll soon find out, Ben is a commitment slut.)

Enough of that. Let’s check in on the house, shall we?

They’re all waiting around for the date card—aaaaand it goes to Emily.

“Do you Belize in love?” the card reads.

“Emily gets a one on one date with Ben and I want to kill myself,” says Courtney. (Oh Courtney, don’t make promises you can’t keep.) She is about to enter to a long period of Crying Basketcase Mode.

Emily’s date, miraculously, doesn’t involve anything too dangerous.

They bike around the village, buy some coconuts, and go diving for lobsters.

“I feel like I’m on vacation with my boyfriend,” says Emily. “If only my boyfriend didn’t have 5 other girlfriends, this would be a perfect day.”

They dance, they snog, they seem to have a nice time.

“I could see myself with her,” Ben says. See?

At home, Courtney is sitting on the couch in a fetal position.

“I just don’t know how much more of this I can take,” she says pathetically.

The date card comes:

Courtney, Let’s Take the Next Step in Our Relationship.

And it’s amazing to watch Courtney’s transformation. Her entire physical bearing changes,  like a crying basketcase caterpillar morphing into a beautiful psychological terrorist butterfly.

“Gimme my date card! Woohoo! He’s a smart boy, he listens,” she says, all filled with sass and gumption.

“It took every fiber in my being not to leap across the room and punch her in the face,” says Kacie. (And again with the promises these girls aren’t keeping.)

Then she makes the black widow metaphor. “This is what I want to do to her,” she says. And smacks her hands together. Bam! Courtney, the black widow, would be dead in this scenario, get it? Cause she crushed her. Like a bug.

 Courtney skips off to her date. “Bye! I can’t stand you all!” she trills under her breath as she leaves.

Ben is excited to see her: “When I look at Courtney, I think big picture.” (When Ben looks at small kitchen appliances he thinks big picture.)

But Courtney will have none of this lovey-dovey stuff. She has a few things she wants to get off her chest. It’s hard to remember exactly what she said, but it went a little something like this:

“Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, and while we’re on the subject, me!”

Ben nods in agreement.

“I lost the spark,” says Courtney. Because you haven’t been paying enough attention to me!

He won’t make that mistake again. He assures her that he’s all-Courtney-all-the-time from now on.

Satisfied, they climb the stairs to the top of an ancient temple.

Another metaphor orgy:
“Each step is like a step in our relationship.”
“Let’s climb this together.”

“With each step, I left the hurt and drama behind.”

“Step off, bitch.” (Whoops. Unfortunately, Ben didn’t actually say that last one.)

“I see my life with this woman,” Ben says, as they reach the summit. Oh, Ben. . .

Cut to a Courtney confessional.

“I’m high on love right now,” she crows. “Snap, girls! The show’s over. You can pack your bags.”
And then—my hand to God—she does this fake hand pistol thing, complete with shooting sound effects, and shouts,  “Kill shot!”

(That actually happened, right? It wasn’t just some fever dream I had last night.)

At dinner that night, Courtney raises more red flags than a NASCAR ref. But the penis wants what the penis wants, as a poet once said. So Ben ignores all of them, even when she tells him that she has no female friends. (Always a good sign.)

Group date. There is one rose up for grabs.

“Let’s Sea Whose Family I Will Meet”- the card reads.

Ben has a surprise for the girls. It’s called breaking and entering. He sneaks into the house at 4 am—dude is lucky he didn’t get tasered or pepper-sprayed or something—today wearing the striped hoodie version of the striped tank top he was wearing earlier. (In case he gets arrested for this B&E, he’ll already have the prison uniform covered.)

The girls don’t look their freshest first thing in the morning. Lindzzi has a giant glob of pimple cream on her cheek (sorry, Lindzzi. But if I saw it, Ben saw it.). Another girl hides under the covers.

There is a frenzied, mass shaving of the legs and armpits in the bathroom.

And, in case, you thought Ben’s last two reasonable dates—bike riding and sightseeing—meant a return to sanity, guess again. The gang will be swimming with sharks. (Not metaphorical sharks, actual sharks.)

“If the shark gets a little too close, punch them in the nose,” Ben says. No, you first.

Rachel, of course, has selachophobia (fear of sharks). She also has This-is-a-Great-Way-to-Get-Ben-to-Myself-itis. Her strategy works like a  charm. Ben is totally in heroic boyfriend mode, holding her hand as she jumps and swims.

“We see sharks and stingrays,” says Kacie. “Actually none of that scares me. I’m more scared of the way that Rachel is monopolizing Ben.” (Heh.)

As for Ben. He has the following thoughts: “A relationship is all about”—say it with him, people—“diving in head first.”

And. . .scene.

Party time. Both Kacie and Nicki pull Ben aside and tell him that they’re falling in love with him.

But Kacie gets the all-important rose.

Back at the house, Psychological Terrorist Courtney is having fun with the remaining girls: “Ben must be really exhausted,” she says. “We were out really late last night.” (And I just noticed that the lovely graphic pattern on her scarf is made of skulls! Of course it is.)

On the group date, Kacie, Rachel, and Nicki have decided to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with Ben about Courtney.

“We want you to be happy,” says Nicki. “We wouldn’t want you to be fooled.”

“Tell me more,” Ben says.

“WewantyoutobecarefulwithCourtney!” Nicki blurts out. (By the way, for some reason spellcheck didn’t recognize that phrase. However, if this Bachelor season were to go on for a few more months, I’m pretty sure it would.)

So the black widow’s out of the bag.

“You mean, it wasn’t just a personal thing between Courtney and Emily?” says Ben. And I repeat: Oh, Ben.

Rose ceremony time.

All the girls are pretty nervous and talking about their feelings. Not Courtney. She’s baby talking to her umbrella in her pina colada.

No cocktail party, announces Chris Harrison. We’re going straight to the Big Tally board!

Ben stands tremulously before them.

But before he starts, he wants a word with Courtney.

“Do you think he pulled her aside because she is or isn’t getting a rose?” Rachel asks.

“50/50,” Nicki responds helpfully.

So Ben needs assurances from Courtney that she’s here for the right reasons. She promises she is. Well, that’s good enough for Ben’s penis! Case closed!

Back to the most dramatic rose ceremony evah.

He calls them out:

Nicki. (Didn’t see her getting the first one. Huh.)

Then Lindzzz.

Now he’s got three girls—Courtney, Rachel, and Emily—and one rose.

“Goodbye Courtney. It’s been very nice knowing you and my condolences to whichever man you end up with,” Emily says in an interview.

Ben plucks the rose from its silver platter, stares pensively, trying really hard to pretend that his penis isn’t doing all the thinking for him.

“Courtney,” he says dramatically.

Rachel, it turns out, sounds like Cher with a mouthful of marbles when she cries. “I fweel wejected,” she says. That’s because you. . .well, nevermind.

As for Emily, it’s all about Courtney, til the bitter end.

“I just hope that there’s enough time left for Ben to see who she really is,” she says.

Emily, love ya, girl. But as you go forward in this life, worry a little less about the sharks under the surface and more about the big catch on the boat.