Swiss Miss-take: The Bachelor recap

Get your shit together, ABC promo department! (Only photo available)

 

Bachelor Ben is deep in thought.

He’s got three lovely ladies, three tickets to paradise, but only two roses. It’s a painful situation for a man who is part player/part sensitive emo dude.

So we see Ben leaving the hotel, rolling his wheely luggage thoughtfully.

Then we see him alone on a plane, riding the friendly skies pensively.

Then we see him in Switzerland, sporting a vaguely Eurotrashy jacket, and wandering the cobblestone streets contemplatively.

“I’m starting to fall in love with all three of them,” Bens moans. Then he thinks, but doesn’t say: “But not really Nicki. Well, maybe Nicki—I mean, have you seen her badunkadunk? But probably not Nicki. . .”

First up: The aforementioned Nicki. The “dark horse,” Ben calls her. (Translation: Doesn’t stand a chance.)

In a shocking twist that is a complete 180 from the usual Mike Fleiss protocol, they go on a helicopter ride.

“My relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights,” Ben says. “But at the same time, it’s grounded.”

Then he adds: “She will propel me forward.”

and

“She’s one heli woman.”

and

“I’d like to ’copt-a-feel.”

The copter drops them off for a mountaintop picnic and I must say, the Alps are so gorgeous I’m beginning to wonder if the whole thing was filmed in front of a green screen in a studio in Burbank.

Then they go to a log cabin, which Nicki, like, just can’t get over.

“It’s literally a log cabin,” she says, as if they were walking into a house made of gingerbread, not wood.

Nicki starts talking about moving to San Francisco and making babies with Ben and then she says, “Just tell me if this is too much, too soon.”

“You already dropped the L-bomb,” Ben shrugs. (Note to would be lovers of the world: When the object of your affections refers to your heartfelt and emotional declaration of love “as “dropping the L-bomb” that’s rarely a good sign.)

It’s time for the first Pimp Card from Chris Harrison of the night.

Now, the bachelorettes are all undoubtedly instructed to look surprised by the offer to spend the night in the fantasy suite, but Nicki looks genuinely surprised. Maybe she forgot.

Anyway, hells yeah. She’s all for it.

Cut to the night’s first hot and heavy makeout sesh in the hot tub. But not the last. Ooooh no, not the last.

Next date: Lindzzzzi.

In keeping with this season’s “If One of Our Bachelorettes Died, We Would Totally Win the 8 PM Slot” theme, they go repelling off a cliff and into a gorge.

“In a relationship, you’ve got to be there for each other. Just like repelling off a cliff,” says Lindz.

“And might I say, you look gorge-ous,” says Ben.  (Not really.)

So they repel down the cliff, but they obviously don’t repel each other because cut to Ben and Lindz wrapped around each other in a hot tub. Yowsa that was fast. Please tell me this is a DIFFERENT hot tub from last night. (Or at the very least, please tell me they drained the water.)

“I love this woman,” Ben says. Oooh, interesting.

Then Ben and Lindzi have Ben’s favorite kind of conversation. It goes exactly like this. Every. Single. Time.

Ben: You’ve been opening up to me and I like what I see.

Lindz: I just feel like I can be vulnerable with you.

Ben: I love that you feel you can be vulnerable with me.

Lindz: I love that you love that I feel I can be vulnerable with you.

Aaaaand repeat.

Lindz tells Ben she’s falling in love with him. He grins like a school boy.

Then he’s honored that she accepts his invite to the fantasy suite.

Explains Lindz: “When you get to the point where you care so much about someone, you might as well bone them just put it all out there.”

Now, it’s Crazy Courtney time!

“I’ve had a really great week, but now it’s all about Courtney,” Ben says. (I’m sure he didn’t mean that the way it came out.)

“What continues to worry me is how she’s treated the other women,” he says.

Ya think?

   His date with Courtney involves visiting the quaint town of Wengen.

Somewhere, Lindzzzi is all: “I repelled down a fuckin’ cliff and she’s taking train rides and going on a picnic? Screw you, Fleiss.”

So Ben and Courtney discuss her tension with the ladies in the house and Courtney takes the blame and acknowledges her wrongdoing and shows seemingly genuine remorse and is basically not acting like Courtney at all.

And I feel for Ben because I know she’s full of shit, and even I’m half buying it. Poor sap doesn’t stand a chance.

“All of my concerns were laid to rest,” Ben says.

Heh-heh,  he said “laid.”

    Off to hot tub #3.

“This is hand’s down the smallest hot tub I’ve ever been in my life and I’m not complaining,” says Ben. (Oh Ben, you adorable man-whore, you.)

Do I even need to confirm that Courtney says yes to the fantasy suite? (She would say yes to a fantasy gas station restroom.)

One more thought: When Ben and Courtney get together? Their California upspeak? Drives me insane?(Just me?)

At this point, there’s so little mystery as to who Ben is going to pick, the show has to manufacture some. So they trot out poor, vulnerable, immature Kacie.

Shame on you, show.

I mean, surely they recruited her, right? Surely they said: You need answers, dammit! You deserve answers! And maybe, just maybe, once he sees you, Ben will see the error of his ways.

(Considering that the conversation ends with Kacie splayed out on the hotel hall floor in some sort of temporary paralysis brought on by despair, it’s safe to say she didn’t get the answers she was hoping for.) (To recap: he dumped her all over again and on her way out, she told him that Courtney is a skank.)

Now, Ben has more deep thinkin’ to do.

He stares out the hotel window solemnly.

Chris Harrison shows up.

“I’m just not sure what the hell’s going on anymore, buddy,” Ben says.

“Do you want Kacie in the rose ceremony?” says Chris. (Awww, Chris is so on Team Kacie.)

“No buddy,” Ben says, furrowing his brow.

Then Chris leaves Ben alone to stare thoughtfully at the photos of the final three ladies, as if he’s hoping they might come to life, Hogwarts style and tell him what to do. They don’t.

Rose ceremony.

“My heart is beating out of my chest,” Ben says to the bachelorettes. “Again. I can’t thank the three of you enough for continuing to trust in me and believe in me and have sex with me.”

He wields the first rose.

Lindzzzzi.

Then, he takes the second rose. Stands there sadly, dramatically, pretending to be torn.

“Courtney,” he finally intones.

Lindzzz hugs Nicki and then Courtney awkwardly bro-hugs Nicki, to show Ben how loving and supportive she can be to other women.

Ben walks Nicki to the limo.

“I’ve enjoyed every single moment I’ve spent with you,” he says earnestly. “I had a pit in my stomach coming out to this rose ceremony. I cried a little bit today, I’m not going to lie. I don’t know what else to say. You deserve . . . everything.

Awww. If you must get broken up with on national TV, at least let it be with Bachelor Ben.

So next week, reunion show: Boo!

But the week after that: The most controversial finale ever, says Chris Harrison.

What?!? Most controversial? That means he picks Courtney, right? Because, what’s the controversy in picking Lindzzzz?

Oh dear God, no. I need a moment.