There Will Be Blood: The Project Runway recap

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Poor Gunnar’s mom.

Not moments after Gunnar said that if he won Project Runway he’d use the money to buy himself a pair of new boots and his mom a pair of new boobs (high concept new boutique alert!), did Tim Gunn announce that special guests would be helping the designers with their textile challenge. And yep, those special guests were none other than family and loved ones, including . . . Gunnar’s mom. All of America immediately stared at her rack. (It's true. She really DOES need a boob job.) (JK, they looked perfectly fine.)

It’s always surreal to see the families, isn’t it? Project Runway is such a strange little self-contained ecosystem—it’s hard to imagine the designers living outside of Parsons and the Atlas Apartments, let alone having parents and loved ones.

Elena's mom is pretty. (But soooo skinny. Maybe she should mix in a pierogi from time to time?)

Ukrainian tourism photo

Dmitry’s BFF: Secretly in love with him? (Discuss among yourselves.)

Makes up reasons to touch him

This episode is also notable for the return of Mondo!

His first outfit is alarmingly subdued on the Mondo’s Awesomely Mondolicious Look of the Day ™ scale—a kind of Johnny Cash meets Pee Wee Herman situation, but not to worry… things will pick up.

A few things about Mondo:
I love the fact that they had to create an entire season (Project Runway All-Stars) just to eradicate the mistake of picking Gretchen over him in Season 8.

Also, am I the only one who feels strangely proud and protective of Mondo? I feel like he’s come so far since his season. He seems so poised now, so self-possessed. It’s like he’s finally owning his own fabulousness. 

Tim is proud, too

So yeah, it’s the textile challenge, which is probably the most effective of any of the PR product placement. Like, I’ve never once thought, “Oh, I gotta get me to Lord & Taylor to buy accessories!” or “I sooo need that L’Oreal volumizing hair spray!” but when I seem them doodling away on that HP Tablet, I get a little pang.

Awkwardly, they have to design with their mothers peering over their shoulders.

Just for the record: If my mother was peering over my shoulder as I wrote this recap, this recap would suck.

Universal "mom does not approve" face

The textile is supposed to express their heritage or background in some way.

Sonjia actually says, “Maybe black [should be my] prominent color. Because I’m black.” (Note to first time viewers: Usually, she’s a little more creative than that.)

Gunnar is doing a pattern based on the fact he was bullied as a child. (It is sad beyond belief to me that when he looks at pictures of his childhood, all he can think about is the bullying he endured. Fuck you, bullies!).

That being said, his dying bird/hand pattern is a tad. . .bewildering.

I must mishear Fabio, whose cute BF is his special loved one, because it sounds like he’s making his textile out of a series of penises and vaginas. Wouldn’t that be funny if it were really true? *Headdesk*

Ven is doing something that will BLOW YOUR COLLECTIVE MINDS: He’s making a flower pattern! A flower! I know, crazy, right?

Anyway, off they go to Mood for notions and whatnots and hoozits.

Elena is in a mom-powered good mood.

“My mom brought happiness back to me. I’m not a bitch, usually,” she says.

And to prove her point she FROLICS down the aisles of Mood.

(Well, I’m convinced.)

(Just a show of hands: Her runaway victory as the Fan Favorite is the result of some sort of Ukrainian mob effort, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.)

Then the Most Wonderful Thing in the World happens in the studio.

Tim Gunn approaches Ven’s hibiscus flower dress and says, “I’ll be blunt. I see an homage to a menstrual cycle.”

(If sales of paper towels go up today it’s because every fan of Project Runway just did a spit take.)

And BTW, he’s not done yet:

“It looks like it soaked up blood,” he says. “I just hope no one’s offended by it. Because they look like Maxi Pads.”

Then he pats Ven on the arm and says, “Otherwise, great job!” (Not really.)

Ha! Burn, Ven! *Points and laughs* *Saves episode to DVR*

So what else?

Tim goes all Tim Gunn, Natty Psychiatrist on Gunnar and says his jacket looks like a “Don’t bully me suit of armor.”

He’s not able to accuse Elena’s jacket of looking like nursing scrubs, because she does it herself.

He helps mopey!Christopher pick between his two meh looks.

Finally, it's runway time.
The guest judges are Mondo and Anya!

Love me some Anya. . .but every time I see her the side of her head is shaved a little bit more. Next time I see her, she’ll be sporting the “Full Savalas.” (Look it up, young readers.)

Anyway, Mondo let me down with his earlier outfit, but not today, my friends. Not today.

At first it seems relatively tame: A leopard-spotted shirt, fuchsia tie, baby blue linen jacket. Bold for some, but Mondo calls that a Tuesday.

Then the camera pulls back to reveal….baby blue linen short shorts to go with the jacket!

Oh, Mondo! You have given me a Mondo’s Awesomely Mondolicious Look of the Day ™ after all.

Her head is shaved; his legs are not

So Elena—who actually managed to make something halfway decent with her scrubs fabric and Fabio, who made the most boring penis and vagina outfit in the history of penises and vaginas, are both safe.

Melissa, Dmitry, Gunnar, Christopher, Sonjia, and Ven remain on stage.

Melissa is first.

The judges all dig how she broke from her comfort zone with this “Park Avenue girl.”
Mondo wishes she had pushed herself even further. 

True fact: Melissa would not hang out with the girl who wears this dress

Then Ven, who has jettisoned the Menstrual Dress but now has the same dress he always makes—complete with fanning detail and 3D flower—gets totally whacked by the judges.

“She looks like a Hawaiian airline hostess,” says Michael Kors.

They all love Dmitry’s jacket and its phenomenal slit detail, but Anya wishes he had used more of the textile. (I actually disagree with her on this: Dmitry’s use of the textile was pretty ingenious.)

Gunnar’s outfit, alas, is “not cool, not edgy, not modern” and looks like a “sheet of bird postage stamp.”

All together now: He put a bird on it!

Surprisingly intimidating for a man with two-tone hair and a woman in a bird jacket

Everyone loves Sonjia’s flare pants, especially Anya, who praises her attention to detail.

Squee! I knew my two favorite girls were going to love each other.

They totally need their own sitcom: 2 Dope Girls. (Are you listening, CBS?)

Finally, everyone agrees that this is not Christopher’s best effort.

Deliberation time.

Heidi is confused about Ven’s continued use of the flower pattern.

“Can someone get Tim Gunn!” she says, in a royal declaration sort of way.

Indeed, Tim Gunn emerges. (If I had one super power it would be the ability to summon Tim Gunn at will.)

Tim explains that he was too overcome by Ven’s menstrual blood to warn him about using flowers again.

Anyhow, Dmitry wins!
Vodka for everyone!

And. . .sigh. . .sweetie-pie Gunnar goes home.

Oh well. At least he and Christopher are on good terms at the end. They even hug.

And don’t feel too bad for Gunnar, as his name is still GUNNAR DEATHERAGE.  So he basically wins at life.