How Fantastic is This? The Project Runway recap

The chair hates Ven, too.

 

Seriously Project Runway? I missed Clint Eastwood talking to a frickin EMPTY CHAIR for this shit?
You’re dead to me.

 I mean, the reality TV gods are fickle beasts.

Last week was a seminal, blockbuster, game-changing episode of Project Runway. This week? Well, let me put it this way: No fans were in danger of being hit with any shit.

In fact, as far as I could tell, the first half hour of the show was basically just the designers standing around talking about how awesome Lord & Taylor is.

Eventually, things got a little more interesting as we got into a boys against the girls kinda thing.

A pop quiz, kids. Guess which of the designers said this:

“I think men are usually stronger designers while women are a little more practical.”

Was it:

a. Ven
b. Ven

c. Ven

d. Ven

If you guessed Ven, you’re right!

But it’s true, the women were a little, uh, flustered this week.

Elena demonstrating her backstabbing technique

Elena was spazzing out because she does designs that are complicated and high fashion and edgy and NOT for those slags who shop at Lord & Taylor (or somethin’).

Tim gives her awesome advice (redundant) and says: “Think about a bridge line. Think about how to deliver Elena to a mass market.”

Then Gunnar comes over and comforts her. He tells her not to let the judges see her sweat.

“Don’t let them know you have a heart,” he cracks.

“You’re so stupid!” she says, hugging him, which is about as lovey-dovey as Elena gets.

Melissa is also having a cow because she thinks she chose the wrong fabric.

They then leave us with a cliff-hangerish sneak peek before going to the commercial break.

“You’ve made a horrible mistake with the fabric,” says Tim, ominously.

Wait a second…maybe that fan DOES need a shit guard after all.

Come back from commercial and turns out, the ACTUAL quote is: “You shouldn’t go into the judging thinking you’ve made a horrible mistake with the fabric.”

Why you gotta play us like that, Project Runway?

(A question: Do the Project Runway producers think our attention span is so short we’re going to turn the channel without a cliffhanger at every commercial break?)
(Then again: Clint Eastwood. Empty Chair. Good move, PR producers. Good move.)

Sonjia is also freaking out, mostly because she found herself in the bottom last week and is feeling a little vulnerable. More on her later.

In a sea of little black cocktail dresses, Christopher is the only one daring to do a floor-length gown. He’s also using his shredding technique—again.

But he feels, smartly, that this is his signature technique. And if he’s going to be part of the Project Runway collection at Lord & Taylor, he wants it to accurately reflect what he does.

This just in: Christopher is totally going to win Project Runway. I’m almost sure of it.

He’s adorable, young, talented, and has that elusive quality of “taste.” He’s basically Nina Garcia catnip. 

What a Nina Garcia sex dream looks like.

But Christopher is second guessing himself.

“Everyone’s doing a little black cocktail dress,” he confides to Ven. (Why would anyone confide anything to Ven? Ever?) “I’m concerned they’re going to be like, Why did you do a gown?"

Ven nods in a “good point” kind of way.

Speaking of Ven, you’ll never guess what’s happening on his dress? A three-dimensional flower detail in the front. Holy shit, dude. Never saw that coming. (Dear Ven: This is Project Runway, not Project Origami.)

It’s fitting time and Sonjia starts weeping cause she can’t get her dress on her model. She’s literally immobilized with grief.

And Elena (yes, Elena!) comes to her rescue and helps her fit her model. (Who knew?) (Off to vote for her for Fan Favorite!) (Just kidding…again.) (The mystery of Elena as fan favorite will soon stand alongside Big Foot and Chupacabra.)

Guest judge is Bonnie Brooks from Lord & Taylor.

Heidi inexplicably chose to wear this:

"I question her taste level" - me

Down the runway they come, all lookin’ pretty good, to be honest. Gunnar and Fabio make curious hand gestures.

Submitted without comment.

And Dmitry, Ven, and Sonjia are all. . .safe! Dmitry and Ven are both pissed, cause they think they’re Top 3 material (for a change.) Sonjia is relieved beyond belief.

They being speculating as to who is in the Top 3:

“Fabio, Chris, and…who’s the other guy?” Ven says.

“Gunnar,” Dmitry says.

Okay, this is a world of wrong in so many ways I don’t know where to begin.

First, he forgot Gunnar’s name? The guy’s name is Gunnar Deatherage, for God's sake, not Bob Smith. It’s kinda catchy!

Also, Ven obviously doesn’t even remember what this what’s-his-name guy designed and yet he STILL picks him to beat out the women?

Sexist. Pig. 

Turns out they mixed things up a bit this week and there are 4 designers on top and two on the bottom.

They go down the line:

Fabio: On top! He has designed a dress with a “lot of legs.”

Christopher: On top! “Tasteful and elegant.”

Melissa: On top! “The right fabric on the right dress.” (The saga of that fabric deserved its own Lifetime movie: "Why Can't You Let Me Love You? A Fabric's Lament.")

Gunnar: On the bottom! “I’ve seen this dress. I don’t need to see it again.”
Elena: On top! “Nice balance of art and commerce”

Upon hearing that she’s on top, Elena completely breaks down, which is only noteworthy because Heidi seems actively AMUSED by Elena’s tears.

“You seem to be surprised,” she says, ironically, as Elena convulsively weeps before her. “Why? You struggled with this challenge? You weren’t expecting this?”

Oh Heidi, don’t change.

Heidi is unmoved

Anyway, poor Alicia has done the math. She’s on bottom. But first she has to defend her dress, which she does in the diffident, bummed out manner of someone who knows they’re screwed.

“You were one of the judges least favorites,” Heidi informs her, relishing the moment.

“It’s a field hockey uniform,” says Michael Kors.

Now, deliberation time.

And Christopher wins!

So it’s down to Gunnar and Alicia. 

Extra big gap because 4 on-top designers were between them

Let me say this: If I could’ve paused the show at that moment and called my bookie, I would’ve put my life savings (all three figures!) on Gunnar being safe.

I mean, I knew Alicia was going home. You knew Alicia was going home. Alicia knew Alicia was going home.

It was a mere technicality at this point.

“Alicia, you are…SAFE,” Heidi says.

What the…?

Alicia goes to the greenroom and you can tell that everyone is trying to be nice to her, while secretly bummed and shocked that Gunnar is getting the boot.

But not to worry, kids: Heidi has one last trick up her sleeve.

“Gunnar, you are also safe,” she says.

Squee! Rejoice! Happy dance!

Laughing at us for thinking Gunnar was going home

“How fantastic is this?” gushes Tim. “How happy is everybody?”

Or, as Gunnar puts it: “I would’ve liked for it to have been knocked down one designer. But since I’m the one who would’ve gone home, I’m really stoked that we still have nine. At least for today.”

Next week: Team Challenge!

And Dmelena is paired up! (Ah, let the lustful hate sparks fly!)

And Sonjia’s whack headband reappears!

Something tells me this bland week was an outlier.

Now, off to watch Dirty Harry make an empty chair’s day.

Chair photo courtesy www.newyorker.com