Just For Women: The Project Runway recap

Kenley and Ven sharing a private moment. (Also pictured, Fabio)

 

Due to overwhelming and relentless peer pressure—mostly from members of my immediate family—I’ve decided to dip my big toe back into the recap pool this season.

Before I recap last night’s eppy, a few general observations from the first 2 shows.

Is there an official Project Runway haircut for guys now? Like some sort of reality TV military, except instead of giving you a buzzcut, they shave the sides of your head and give you a hipster pompadour, ironic beard optional?
It’s odd. But it only adds to the hilarious sense that Gunnar and Christopher—the Betty White and Bea Arthur of this season’s competition—are doppelgangers of each other. (Should those two just do it already, or what?)

Stray thoughts on some other contestants:

Kooan Kosuke seems less like a Project Runway contestant and more like one of those oddballs who auditions for American Idol and becomes a YouTube phenomenon for a few weeks.

The minute I laid eyes on Dmitry Sholokhov I thought: Somewhere, there’s a Russian Olympic ice dance team missing its ice master. Okay, close enough. The guy’s a former ballroom dancer. And straight out of central casting.

I love that Ven Budhu’s name is Ven Budhu because he looks like Buddha. But I was shocked that he’s only 28. I would’ve guessed 2,345 at least.

(Also, he’s obviously a talented designer—Lord knows, he’ll be the first to tell you—but he has that kind of tasteful, safe design aesthetic that Michael Kors and Nina Garcia always go for. Yawn.)

(Conversely, Buffi’s loud, poppy, Harajuku girl style stuff is exactly what the judges hate. Her time on this show is clearly limited. A shame, cause I love that crazy, leopard spotted beotch.)

As for Andrea Katz: She must have some photos of the Project Runway staff key party or somethin’. How else to explain how her button candy apron didn’t land her in the bottom 3? (Has anyone else ever designed an apron for Project Runway? What’s next? A dish towel?)

Oh Sonjia is my early favorite, just cause I love her blue hair and funky fresh style.

Okay, onto last night’s show:

God, there was almost something comforting when Tim Gunn announced, “The color of the Lexus SM vehicle you’re assigned to must be incorporated into your design.”

Don’t ever change, Project Runway. Don’t ever change.

So this week, the designers were paired up to make a gown for the Emmys.

This didn’t sit well with the Eastern European contingent.

“I don’t like to work with anyone.  Who does?” said Elena.

“When it comes to my work I’m a little bit of a control freak. But who isn’t?” said Dmitry.

It’s this kind of attitude that lost the Russians the all-around girl’s gymnastics medal at the Olympics, people.

The whole gown thing also didn’t sit well with Raul because, in case you hadn’t heard the first 45 times he told us, he designs menswear. (With his ouster this week, a short-lived “I design menswear” drinking game has gone by the wayside.)

In a cool twist, they were designing for former Project Runway all-stars. Nice one.

Here were the teams:

Buffi and Elena

Designing for: Laura

Christopher and Andrea

Designing for: Anya

Raul and Alicia  

Designing for: Mila

Gunnar and Kooan

Designing for Irina (LOLOLOLOL)

Melissa and Dmitry

Designing for April

Sonjia and Nathan

Designing for Valerie

Ven and Fabio

Designing for Kenley

Gunnar saw this challenge for what it was: A big fat trap.

“The hardest person to impress in fashion is a fucking fashion designer,” he noted, accurately.

That being said, probably the most disappointing thing about last night’s show was the fact that Kenley liked her dress. Because hell hath no fury like a pissed off Kenley.  Damn Ven and all his annoying. . .talent.

It must be exhausting to be Kenley

I also expected Irina to be more of a nightmare, but except for one brief moment when she almost brought Kooan to tears, she was pretty mellow. (Didn’t you get the sense though that she “helped” with the design? One minute that dress had a puckered butt line. The next minute it had a clever strip of flowy fabric in the back. I call shenanigans). (Also, cute get-up Gunnar. Did you recently take in a screening of Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, by any chance?)

"I fixed this shit"-Irina

“For some reason I feel sad not happy,” Kooan said at one point. “I work well when I’m happy.” (If this whole Project Runway thing doesn’t pan out, Kooan should host one of those weekend TV shows that work really well both for small children and for adults on acid.)

It was also funny to see the likes of Anya and Mila in horrible dresses. They’re both so impeccable in their own personal styles and to see Mila galumphing down the runway in Raul and Alicia’s monstrosity, her bitchface set to stun, and boho chic goddess Anya, looking like a cocktail waitress at the HoJo lounge in 1976, well it was hard to take.

"I Hate My Life"

Speaking of Anya. . .yup: Christopher and Andrea blew it.

I definitely love Christopher, I think he’s talented and adorbs, but I also see him as super passive aggressive.

Have you noticed that nothing is EVER his fault? He’s always the one rolling his eyes and reacting to sassy Gunnar—while shooting him smoldering glares of lust-filled hatred—and this week, he “respected” Andrea too much to tell her to move her ass. Uh huh.

Yes Christopher, sitting and seething with resentment is always the most productive way to get things done. (And led to the inevitable battle royale on the runway—with tears, recriminations, pointed fingers, hurt feelings, the works.)

And oh God, could there be two less compatible people than Buffi and Elena? (Make that three less compatible people than Buffi, Elena, and Laura Bennett?)

Friends for Life!!!

Just looking at Elena, with her terrifying, humorless Soviet work ethic, makes me tense.

Also, what’s up with her hair? She literally looks like a different (nicer) person when she has bangs. The bangs are for the playful happy side of Elena. The severe pulled back style is for the crazed, prison-warden-at-a-gulag Elena. #TeamBangs

Runway time. And the guest is Krysten Ritter from Don’t Trust the B. . .oh, who am I trying to kid, she was Jesse’s crackhead girlfriend in Breaking Bad!!! Squee!!!

Not one of the dresses is a complete success, if you ask me.

I do like Kenley’s dress, but it’s too short for the Emmys.

I actually thought Buffi and Elena pulled it off with Laura’s dress. Who woulda thunk?

Totally thought Dmitry and Melissa were going to be in the top with that flowy Grecian goddess number. (Not my bag, but the construction was solid.)

So miraculously, Gunnar and Kooan are in the Top 2 (seriously saved by that choker—sorry, that Lord & Taylor accessory wall choker—if you ask me) along with Fabio and Ven.

It was pretty amazing how deftly Ven combined his aesthetic with Kenley’s.

As for Fabio, no one really knows what his aesthetic is. Probably a bad sign.

I truly think Fabio and Ven won because nothing better came down the runway. Not the most auspicious of showings.

Oh yeah, Raul got sent home, where he’ll open up a store called Just Menswear.

Next week: Shit hits the motherfreakin' fan, people!