Ven Diagrammed: The Project Runway recap

This photo will double as a nice dart board

 

Gather round, children, hold hands, form a semi-circle, and let us all bask in our hatred of Ven together.

There can be some sort of  hate-chant involved.

It will be cleansing.

Yup, with one show, Ven has officially become Project Enemy No. 1, the Todd Akin of reality fashion TV. (And yeesh, this was the one place I was sure I could avoid the War Against Women. Is nothing sacred?)

We’d all secretly suspected that Ven was an ass—but no one could’ve possibly anticipated the extreme levels of asshood. This is advanced stuff, people. Jeffrey “penis neck” Sebelia (Season 3 winner) bows down to his asshood.

Okay, let’s take it from the top.

Heidi comes on stage with a bunch of semi-stylish but very “real” (whatever that means) looking people.

The designers collectively gasp, as though there isn’t a frickin’ "design for real people" challenge every season.

But there’s a twist: The designers won’t be designing for this bunch but for their fashion-challenged friends, who will be getting a total makeover.

Fun!

(BTW, an aside: I’ve already established my love of Sonjia and her funky fresh style. But if she was my BFF, we’d have a little fashion intervention on those oversized babydoll head bands. For reals.)

What I'm talking about

Now. .. if Project Runway was super evil, they’d have the designers pick their clients based solely on their impressions of the friend.

Then the mind-fuck could truly begin: Would the stylish attractive woman have the most attractive friend—or the least attractive friend? Would the skinny guy with glasses have a lookalike girlfriend? Or would he go the whole Jack Sprat route?
But they are mercifully spared this kind of guessing game. Clients are randomly assigned.

And, as real people are wont to do, the clients come in all shapes and sizes. Some are skinny, some are fat. Some are tall, some are short.

It’s called the HUMAN ANATOMY, people.

The clients also have very particular ideas about what they like and don’t like:

There’s Melissa’s client Kandace, who really like things that match.

There’s Alicia’s client, Martina, who wants “men to want to marry me and women to want to be me.” LOLOL. No pressure there, Alicia.

We have Elena’s client, Jenna, who wants to dress like a THIS parachute, for reasons not quite clear.

Nathan’s client Liana, is an R&B singer who wants her midriff out, but doesn’t want to be overly sexualized.

(So, she’s looking for a tasteful bare midriff. Riiiiight.)

“Is she going to wear shapewear?” Tim Gunn says, peering at Nathan’s dress form. “Because otherwise, you’re going to have a really vulgar moment happening.”
(And, yes I am putting that line in my Big Book of Handy Tim Gunn Phrases. Sample usage: “Should I wear these torn fishnets to the club tonight?” “Only if you want a really vulgar moment happening.”)

Fabio has quite possibly the cutest client of all: Ko-Rely (dafuq?): An Asian girl who dresses like a Brooklyn hipster. A male Brooklyn hipster, that is.

“I just don’t want to be sexualized, you know?” she says. No worries there, Juno.

And then we have the yin and yang of this week’s episode.

We have Gunnar Deatherage, who really is just the sweetest Gunnar Deatherage he could possibly be, isn’t he?

His client Kim, is a large and in charge woman with a great smile.

Her faithful BFF wants her to have a big look that matches her big personality.

“I make clothing for regular women that want to look great,” says Gunnar. (Just imagine that quote surrounded by hearts, unicorns, and rainbows in my mind.)

“I’m going to make you into a fox,” he promises her. (More hearts.)

Anyway Kim is so excited about this makeover, she starts to cry and then Gunnar hugs her and then I’m crying. It’s all very emotional.

Kim and Gunnar 4Evah!!!!

Feel the love

Then—feel free to boo, hiss, and throw tomatoes—we have Ven.

His client, Terri, a mother of two, needs business casual.

“When I first see Terri I’m in shock,” says Ven. “I’m very disappointed. These women have wide waist lines and hip lines so this is definitely a challenge.” 

How DARE she have hips?

(At least, thank God for small favors, there was no talk of secretions.)

So Tim Gunn comes into the studio and Ven airs his grievances, yet again.

Ven: “I was in shock. I’ve never worked with a plus-size before."

Tim: “What size is she?”
Ven: “Ohmygod, I’m thinking around 14.”

Tim (befuddled): “That’s just on the cusp.”

Ven: “She’s not fashion forward. My client doesn’t really have a shape. The before picture is definitely a nightmare.”

Oh god. Where. To. Begin.

First of all Ven, look in the mirror, buddy. I didn’t nickname you Buddha because of your washboard abs.

Second of all, you condescending piece of shit. How dare you judge this woman? How DARE YOU? (Ahem.)

I literally could not hate him more at this point.

“Also, there’s her age,” Ven says. “She’s almost 40.”

I stand corrected.

This challenge may be bringing out the worst in Ven, but it’s bringing out the best in Elena. She loves her client and is in a good mood and actually—gasp—smiles.

“This is the first time I see Elena be nice to somebody so it’s about time.- Dmitry.

Dmelena Lives!!!

Anyway, it’s not enough that Ven insult his client behind her back. He starts to insult her to her face.

He starts talking about how he’s dressing her in black because it’s “slimming.” Then he tells her how “surprised” he was that she looked beautiful after her L’Oreal makeover. (That’s Ven’s idea of a compliment.) “Thanks,” she says, sarcastically.

Then he starts trying to wrap these tiny little belts—made for models, mind you—around her waist. And then he makes her cry.

That was when my hate-on for Ven soared to new heights.

I wanted to start smearing his bald pate with shampoo, saying, “Why isn’t this shampoo making your hair clean?”
Then I wanted to rip off Gunnar’s skinny jeans and try to cram Ven’s lard ass into then. “Why aren’t Gunnar’s skinny jeans buttoning on you, Ven?”

Okay, I’m getting all worked up again. Need to hold hands in the hate circle. BRB.

Meanwhile, everyone in the studio is giving Ven the stinkeye. Christopher’s mouth literally drops open, as it does. He’s like a silent film star.

Everybody seems to know what an ass Ven is being . . . except Ven.

Runway day:

Guest judge is British designer Alice Temperley, for what it’s worth.

It was very cute to see the non-professional models strut their stuff down the runway.

A few of them got their model stank face on.

A few giggled adorably as they galumphed down the catwalk (that’s how I would do it).

Terri, Gunnar’s client, absolutely WORKED IT OUT.

Christopher’s client had a tiny issue with the jacket.

(“I spent 8 and a half hours on this jacket and she ripped it off and held it in a ball.”)

One client stopped and randomly posed like a weathervane at the end of her catwalk. (Not totally sure why.)

Anyway, the top 3 are Dmitry, whose dress really was smart and stylish, but—just between you and me—I found it a little dull. 

Solid but unspectacular

Gunnar, whose Top 3 appearance was obviously fueled by ANGELS. 

And Fabio, who made this awesome cool-girl dress that everyone and their hipster sister now wants, including me. 

Get in my closet, dress!

And the winner is: Fabio!
And the best part? He’s going to celebrate his big win by SHAVING HIS BEARD!!! (I wish.)

Bottom 3 are Nathan, Sonjia, and Ven.

No mystery here: Nathan is toast.

His clients are already subconsciously distancing themselves from him

But Heidi has a little fun at Ven’s expense. (Go Heidi, go!)

“One, or more of you will be going home,” she says.

Sonjia is safe!
Nathan is toast!

And now it’s just Ven alone on that stage, twisting in the wind.

“You didn’t do your client any favors,” Heidi scolds. But he’s—sigh—in.

(By the way, they could’ve totally had a heartwarming, Extreme Home Makeover moment by having Michael Kors offer to make Terri a dress. Seriously, it’s the least the damn show could’ve done after putting her through that hell. Get your shit together, show!)

Anyway, it’s clear that Ven just got a valuable lesson in humility. I’m sure we’re going to see a whole new side of him.

“Honestly I don’t think I should’ve been the last person there,” Ven says. “I think there were some weak looks.” (*Record scratching sound*)

Alas.

As for Nathan. We’ll miss him, but luckily he can now resume his career as the lead singer of 80s hip-hop band, Digital Underground.