One Way Monkey: The Project Runway recap

The sewing machine next to Christopher is the best place to be!!!

It’s too bad that Raul wasn’t good at this whole “designin’” thing because he served a lot of functions. 

First of all, there was his white-hot hatred of Elena, always good for a few laughs.

Then there was the short-lived, non-starter “I do menswear” drinking game. (As the sole judge, officiator, and creator of this game, I hereby decree that last night’s “I’m good at making pants” was worthy of a drink—at least in my house it was.)

But his greatest function? He had a crush on Christopher.

When you think of it, there have been very few hook-ups, crushes, and love triangles on Project Runway. I remember that the adorable Little Lord Fauntleroy-like Daniel and Wesley (of Season 5?) became an item. I always “shipped” Andre and Santino, but I don’t think anything actually happened there. Even this season’s promising lust-filled hate glares between Christopher and Gunnar seems to have receded. I guess they’re all so exhausted they barely have time to eat and sleep, let alone get busy.

But when it was time to pick teams for the Marie Claire Work challenge, Christopher got to pick third and he, reasonably enough, picked Fabio. 

And Raul was hurt and shocked. Because la-la-la, he CAN’T HEAR YOU, Christopher loves him back. And also, la-la-la, HE CAN’T HEAR YOU, Raul’s awesome at desigin’ stuff. 

Two other intriguing highlights from the team choices. 

Why on earth did Sonjia pick Elena? Has she met her? I mean, I guess Elena has some skillz, but she’s also the most toxic human being in the studio (and fan favorite!!). Weird.

“I’d rather eat dirt than work with Elena,” said Gunnar. He always has the mot juste.

Also, did anyone catch that glorious moment when Nathan chose Ven and Ven said, and I quote: “Good choice.”

Dude. Kanye West called. He wants his ego back.

Anyway, the cleverly named Team 5 and Team 6 (they've just stopped trying at this point) went like this:

Team 5 is Christopher, Gunnar, Ven, Nathan, and Fabio

a.k.a The Chiffonies

Team 6 is Alicia, Dmitry, Elena, Melissa, Raul, and Sonjia

Surprisingly high functioning hot messes

Back at the studio, the saddest thing ever happens. They find Kooan’s giant, whimsical comb.

Apparently, in his haste to leave the show, he has left his beloved comb behind. 

“He’s probably going insane looking for this,” says Chris, sympathetically.

A moment of silence for Kooan's giant whimsical comb.

So, as is often the case with these team challenges, there’s a bit of misdirection.

Except for Gunnar sulking about fabric choices, Team 5 seems to getting along famously. So they’re a lock to win, right?

Meanwhile, Team 6 is a disaster site.

First, they forget a bag of wool at Mood.

Then, Elena is bossing everyone around in that drill sergeant/Gordon Ramsay/Ukrainian dominatrix way of hers.

Then Raul decides that he’s so awesome, he should do his own thing. And his thing is ruffles, bitches!

“Raul doesn’t have a team work ethic,” says Elena. I agree. (*Runs off to vote for her for Fan Favorite*) (JK).

So Team 6 is destined to lose, right? (Hmmm.)

I kinda love that Team 6 dubbed Team 5 “The Chiffonies”—because it sounds like an fabulous Motown all-girl group and also underscores a certain unspoken something about fashion—that men don’t always know what women actually want to wear. For example, the last time I wore silk chiffon to work was in 20NEVER.

(That being said, Elena singing the “Silk Chiffonie” song in Christopher’s face was just flat-out rude.)

“Everybody hates Elena,” says Dmitry. “Even if they say they like her, they hate her.”

Maybe my new couple to ship is Dmelena! (Elenitry?) You can’t hate someone that much without a little lust creeping in.

Actually, this was the episode I kinda fell in love with Dmitry, because later he said this:
     “I think Ven is a one-way monkey.” Then he kind of screwed up his face and corrected himself: “I mean, one trick pony.”

One Way Monkey! Best band name ever—or greatest band name ever?

At the photo shoot, Elena makes it clear: She does NOT work with props. (Somewhat surprising for a dominatrix.)

And because Elena likes clean lines and doesn’t like models to sit in chairs looking like they are taking huge dumps, Team 6 does not use props.

Tension neck aches for everyone!

Runway time.

Joanna Coles is the guest judge. She’s always good for at least one Dismisses-Your-Entire-Design-Aesthetic-and-Possibly-Your-Entire-Existence ™ with one withering comment moment, so bring it on.

Elena is actually an amateur

Problem is, everything is pretty nice.

Even Gunnar’s outfit with the droopy boobs (“Two puppies wrestling in a sack” says Coles) isn’t really that bad.

I did hate the enormous Grace Jones shoulders on Elena’s jacket. And Raul’s ruffles confirmed that I only like ruffles on potato chips.

Loved Melissa’s dress, Christopher’s whole outfit, Sonjia’s blue pencil skirt...

werq!

And it’s an unprecedented . . .TIE!

The judges want to see the teams one by one.

First Team 5:

“Who was the weakest of your group?” Heidi asks Fabio.

“I will tell you the strongest: Ven,” Fabio says.

This confused Heidi (and me): “He should go home because he’s the strongest?”
    No, Fabio tries to explain that he wasn’t going to fall into Heidi’s “who’s the weakest of the bunch” negativity trap, so he picked the strongest link.

So Heidi moved down the line.

Who was the weakest, Ven?
     Gunnar.

Who was the weakest, Christopher?
     Gunnar.

Who was the weakest,  Nathan?

Gunnar.

Now was that really THAT hard?

Now Team 6 comes on stage.

Who’s the weakest? Heidi asks. (She’s really such a little shit-stirrer, isn’t she?)

“I think Raul should go home because he doesn’t even know how to put darts in a shirt. His construction is horrible. And I think that he should go home.” -Elena

But who do you think should go home, Elena?

In the end, Team 6 gets their looks in noted fashion magazine (that no one has ever heard of) Marie Claire Works and Melissa wins! Yay!

(Also gaining on Elena for Fan Favorite, incidentally)

And it comes down to Raul and Gunnar and Raul is OUT (again).

Somehow, he has decided to blame Elena for his downfall.

“I hate your ass,” he says to her.

Then he turns to the rest of the gang: “Get her the [bleep] out of here. She needs to be out of here.”

Keep it classy, Raul

Looks like Raul is once again a one-way monkey: And this monkey's one way is OUT THE DOOR. *Holds up hand for imaginary high fives from all of you*