No Worries: The Project Runway recap

The competitive Mormon reminds me a bit of those 13-year-old—I mean, 16 year old (wink, wink)—Chinese gymnasts. In the rare moments they screwed up, they looked like they bore the burden of a billion shamed Chinese.

So it was for Keith, who was in the bottom 2 last week. It seemed like all of Utah, and at the very least the entire Osmond clan, was hanging in the balance of his performance. The man was stressing. (Doubly ironic then, that his catch phrase of the week was “no worries.” Kid, you got worries up the wackadoodle, as Suede might say.)

“I want to change the way the world dresses!” Keith proclaimed. (Note to self: If the world starts dressing with ostrich feathers obscuring their asses, I’ll join a nudist colony.)
“Apparently, I have no taste,” he moaned at one point. Later, he explained that all the designers wanted to win, but he felt like he “deserved it more than they do.” Not wanted it more—deserved it more. Mmm-kay.

As the show started, the designers were given their marching orders to head to a rooftop at some unknown address. Naturally, they assumed Mariah Carey would be waiting.

But once they got to the address, it was a parking garage, not a swank condo, and they slowly made their way up the freight elevator, huddled together like the Scooby Gang, expecting to see something truly ghoulish once the doors opened.
Instead they saw. . . the Saturn Vue!

For a brief, nauseating moment, I thought their assignment would be: Design an outfit inspired by the Saturn Vue. That would be beyond jumping the shark—it would be getting mauled by the shark after you jumped.

But no, their assignment was to rip up the cars and make an outfit out of what they scavenged. Cool.

Spoiled Kenley seemed upset that her car was filled with car parts. Yes, Kenley, floor mats and seatbelts and carburetors. Not a taffeta ribbon to be found.

Back to the studio they went, where Keith’s brilliant concept was to design something with absolutely no style or point of view. Good plan, Keith!

Korto meanwhile was doing something fabulous with woven seatbelts which looked very “mod” as Tim Gunn said, until she decided to add the signature Korto dojo sleeve. I have to say, I was screaming at my TV, “nooooo!” (Shows what I know—the judges loved it.) But it did look a bit like a scarecrow. Still, this was no excuse for Terri to start ROFL with glee. Seriously: Rolling? On the floor? Because you thought a competitor’s design sucked? Classy. (Jerell’s response to this—“She’s got 2 faces and 4 patterns”—was a great line, only slightly spoiled by the fact that Terri isn’t two-faced, she’s just mean.)

Next, Stella got a phone call from her boyfriend Ratbones. I must say, if his name was Arthur, I would’ve been surprised. Ratbones—pretty much what I expected.
“I love you,” she whined, in the same nasal, Debbie Downer voice she always uses. Ah, sexy time.

Blayne, who might have some sort of catch phrase chip in his head, cheerfully quipped: “I had to kick it into high gear, Saturn Vue style!”

Oh, and there was also some drama about Kenley’s model dropping out that I didn’t really pay attention to because I was so obsessed with Keith’s self-sabotage. He snapped at the other designers for even thinking of using his sewing machine and, when he found out that his model had the temerity to sit in her dress—“I gave her one simple task!” (what next? the “simple task” of not breathing?)—he had a hissy fit. The man was clearly coming unglued.

Nina Garcia was off, so the replacement judge was—squee!— season three contestant Laura Bennett. She did not disappoint, wearing her signature sternum-bearing neckline. As far as I could tell, though, she was not pregnant.

Stylist Rachel Zoe was the guest judge.

I have to give credit where credit is due: I loved most of the designs this week. My favorite was Jerell, but I had no problem with Leanne winning. That mini dress was gorgeous.

For some reason, Terri seemed to be channeling Stella with her rocker get-up—if Stella was more talented, that is. She was safe. (But had to be smarting just a little bit that Korto was in the top three—burn!).

As for Stella, she outsmarted herself, Keith-style, and tried to show she could do classic elegance. This is like asking Amy Winehouse to do classic elegance. It just ain’t happening.

Stella was joined in the Bottom Three by Blayne, who had a cute concept (loved the shattered mirror pieces) but his garment was ill-fitting and there was way too much wickety wack. “I hate those car wash outfits!” Michael Kors quipped of the swatchy skirt.

(An aside: Did you catch that Heidi said that a broken mirror was “seven years with no sex”? Those Germans are hard core, man. )

Rounding out the bottom: hapless Keith, with his ugly, pointless outfit. The end was nigh—and inevitable.

Oh well, Keith. Look at it this way: You did better than any Mormon ever on Project Runway! So you got that. As far as changing the way the world dresses? Might as well start with Utah.