Diamonds on the Crotch: The Project Runway recap

Savvy viewers of Project Runway were all thinking the same thing this week: Either Carol Hannah is going home or she’s totally winning the challenge. Something is always afoot when a heretofore anonymous castmember is suddenly getting lots of face time.

So what did we learn about Carol Hannah?
1. She doesn’t know the meaning of “middle of the pack”: “I wouldn’t say I’m in the middle of the pack,” she explained. “I’ve never been in the bottom.”
2. She seems to think she’s the first girl to ever have a crush on a guy. “I’m the only person this has ever happened to!” she said of her “distracting” crush on Logan.
3. And . . . that’s it.

For this challenge, Heidi promised the contestants they’d be meeting an exciting celebrity and there was. . . Bob Mackie waiting for them with Tim Gunn. While the rest of the contesants felt short-changed, Nicolas couldn’t believe his dumb luck. Apparently, he has the Bob Mackie action figure at home, plus the Bob Mackie trading cards, plus a scrap book of his own making called, “Ways to Be More Like Bob Mackie, by Nicolas.”

Mackie explained that they would be designing a larger-than-life stage outfit for none other than Christina Aguilera (who is apparently too famous to show up for the challenge instruction part). At this point, I thought Nicolas might actually have a heart attack. “Best Project Runway Challenge—ever!” he gushed.
(Natalie Portman and Sarah Jessica Parker might disagree . . .)

Logan looked blandly at the camera (as opposed to his usual dynamic way of looking at the camera) and said: “I don’t know as much about Christina Aguilera as the other designers.” (Didn’t that feel like just a wee bit of a dis?)

At Mood, the feathers and sequins and lace were flying, fast and furious. And then I remembered that just last week, Shirin was paralyzed in the face of feathers, and I worried for her.

Tim Gunn is also worried—about just about everyone.

He points out that Nicolas’s outfit looks a lot like his Tilda Swinton-esque Ice Queen getup (it does.) His exact phrase: “Good God. Talk about déjà vu.”

Christopher’s big “reveal” is so uninspiring, it compels Tim to say: “If you’re going to have a reveal, it should be supersexy slut.”

And Shirin is once again in a feather coma. Tim tells her that her dress looks like student work.
“You don’t like anything about it?” she asks.
Tim pauses, trying to find the mot juste: “No.”

Gordana is totally exasperated and keeps yelling at the camera for no apparent reason.
“Stupid dress!” she yells at one point. Then she stops and says, “Sorry. I curse.” (Looks like someone played a trick on her back at the Adult Education Center.)

Meanwhile, I’ve decided that they need to create some sort of Irina bubble graphic to pop up and make catty comments whenever we see a designer’s work: “Tacky!” the little floating Irina head can say. Or “Totally bargain basement!” It would save a lot of time.

No Michael Kors on the runway. But Nina Garcia is back. And Christina Aguilera bothered to show up this time. (If only she and Michael Kors could’ve compared plastic, orange glows.) And Bob Mackie proves to be pretty handy with a quip himself.

“It looks something from the road company of the Pussycat Dolls!” he says to Christopher. Later, he gives Logan the soon to be legendary advice: “Put some diamonds on the crotch and you’re home free!” Christina Aguilera nods sagely.

So Carol Hannah wins. To be honest, I have no idea why. Her dress kind of looked like what it was—a lot of random black fabrics stitched together. Maybe it would’ve worked as a gown for the VMAs or something, but I didn’t see it as a great stage outfit.
I totally would’ve gone with Althea’s dress, pictured, which was, in a word, slammin.

Gordana, indeed, was damn lucky to have immunity.

Nicolas didn’t quite have the reaction he hoped for—Mackie leaping on the stage, embracing him, and crying, “My son!”—but his dress went over pretty well.

The bottom 3 were Logan, Christopher, and Shirin. And my little ragamuffin, my little trooper, my little pony Shirin is gone. Her lip trembled, but she held her head high, as all good Disney heroines must.
“I’m not going to give up!” she announced. And. . .cue music.


(Next week, a very special episode of Project Runway featuring Michael Kors and Nina Garcia. Must be sweeps.)