Ruffle Kerfuffle: The Project Runway recap

There’s an old expression in fiction writing: “Don’t put the gun over the mantle unless you plan to shoot it.”

Heidi Klum, apparently, is not familiar with that expression.

“One or more of you will be out,” she said ominously, not once, not twice, but five times throughout the course of the show.

Hell, if you’re going to do a misdirection, why not go for the gusto: “One or all of you will be eliminated.”

Because as it turned out, only one designer got cut. Just like, uh, every other show.

Heidi, you sneaky fraulein, you!

Actually, there was at least one misdirection on the show that I totally approved of:
I’m referring, of course, to the powerful, unstoppable pairing of Christopher and Epperson.

Ohhhh, they’re going to win, I thought, when Chris and Epp got paired for the Macy’s I.N.C. challenge.

Ohhhh, we’re going to win, thought Chris and Epp when they got paired for the Macy’s I.N.C. challenge.

What followed was the thing that happens everytime there’s a group challenge: One team, basking in a kind of smug confidence, flaunts their awesomeness all over the studio. Not only are they designing the best garments, but they are getting along so well, nurturing and enriching each other’s creative experience, showing the others what team work is all about, proving that talented people don’t need to snipe at each other to get great results.

Whoops.

Yup, Christopher and Epperson were in the bottom two, with their weirdly shiny shirt dress and their janky tunic, which made me laugh. A lot. Especially when Christopher cried.

Actually, none of the duos were particularly contentious. I mean, Gordana and Irina clashed a bit because Gordana was being too subservient. The horror.

Shirin and Carole Hannah probably debated who was more likely to become the next Powerpuff Girl.

Althea and Logan smoked a giant bowl and happily got to work on their garments.

Oh, and have you heard that Nicholas doesn’t like ruffles? Yeah, for everytime Heidi said “one or more of you will be out” Nicholas countered with, “And I raise you one ‘I hate ruffles.’” At least in Nicholas’ case, there actually were ruffles to be worked up about.

Can we talk about poor Logan? There he is, just making his garments, rocking his little ski caps and skinny jeans, charming us with his rapier wit (oh wait, scrap that last one) and everybody wants him. If I’ve done my math correctly, the only contestant who doesn’t want Logan is Epperson. Factor in the models and he’s the most objectified guy on Lifetime since Dean Cain starred in I Do (But I Don’t). Poor guy, must be awkward for him. (Call me, Logan, I’ll comfort you.)

Meanwhile, can we can have an amen, a what-what, and a hallelujah! Because Michaels Kors is back!

When I looked at Louise’s hideous dress and thought, “What does that remind me of?” His Royal Orangeness was there to say, “It looks like a bridesmaid dress with a ruched on shower loofah.” Yes it does, Michael Kors. Yes it does.

And when I looked at Chris and Epp’s janky tunic, Michael Kors was there to explain: “It looks like a teal charmeuse disco puppet.”

So Irina wins. Can I say that I loved her dress? She’s turning into a serious contender. (I don’t know why she didn’t make that her winning Macy’s party dress, but maybe it was too hard to mass-produce?)

Anyway, it came down to Christopher and Louise. Turns out, Christopher did reinvent the shirtdress. He just reinvented it in a really ugly way. But these ruffles have ridges. . .Louise is out! And Christopher is. . .safe.

“I had fun,” said Louise, racking her brain to think of the names of any of the judges.

And with that, she went off to write the next installment of the Vagina Monologues.

Hilarious Lifetime programming I won’t be watching this week ™: Say Yes to the Dress.