Here Comes the Snide: The Project Runway recap

Divorcée? Really, Project Runway? Divorcée? What year is this? 1961? Next week, the contestants will design for harlots. Or maybe scallywags.

I actually felt for these poor women, standing up there sheepishly in their ugly wedding gowns. A few looked like they had gotten married at the Grand Ole Opry. Aging flowerchild Stephanie (only cruelty free products!) clearly got married during the dawning of Aquarius. And then there was the awkward fact that the ink had not yet dried on some of their divorce papers.

For the designers, who had to use the old dress to make a fashion-forward look, the key was volume. The more fabric, the more appliqués, the more beading, the more lace, the better.

Which was how Shirin totally got screwed. Not only did she get paired with Charlie (wow, she was a pip, huh?), who wanted peacock feathers and a Cher “Half Breed” moment, she had to work with a polyester sheath dress.

“I got nothin’ to work with here,” said Shirin, sighing. (Seriously, could she be more adorable?)

To make matters worse, Tim Gunn reported that the designers could only purchase 2 yards of fabric. (At which point, Shirin looked like they had just told her that tickets to the Taylor Swift concert had sold out.)

Turns out, Gordana had been “diworced,” so this challenge was really triggering some emotional stuff for her. She called up her two (gorgeous) teenagers and they weren’t home and she had a little meltdown.

The thing that sucked was, nobody consoled her. They all just kind of stared at her, like, “Bummer that you’re crying.” What a bunch of emotional pygmies.

Anyway, Gordana pulled herself together, but I can’t say the same for Shirin, who was sadly pasting peacock feathers on her mini dress when Tim Gunn came over to rescue her.

Tim Gunn pointed out that the peacock feathers looked a bit random and Shirin burst into tears. And let me tell you, Tim Gunn knows what to do when someone is crying. You hug them. Soothed by the tender touch of Gunn, Shirin got back to work—her pluck and resolve as intact as ever.

Meanwhile, Epperson’s plan to master the challenge was to “use as little of the dress as possible.”

Tim pointed out that the challenge was, in fact, to use the old dress to make a new, empowering, “divorcées rule!” kind of dress.

“Oh, I must’ve misunderstood,” said Epperson. Ya think?

Nicholas hated what he was making for his client (that makes two of us, bb) but she loved it—a little too much.

“I love you and I want to have your child!” she announced.

Noting the mortification on Nicholas’s face, she hastily added, “Not really. It’s just an expression.” (Just for the record, I Googled the phrase “I love you and I want to have your child” and it came up 2 times.)

My God did these designers send some drek down the runway, or what? These dresses were so ugly they seemed downright. . .German.

“Where are the beer steins!” chirped Michael Kors, never one to pass on an Oktoberfest joke.

So Gordana wins, which is so great, because her dress was totally bitchin’ and she’d had a bad week (and, if you watch Models of the Runway, you know that her bad week was about to continue.) But Shirin got a lot of love for her white mini dress, which was also great.

(Cue the theme to her Disney special:
She’s plucky!
She makes her own luck-y!
She’s a designer who digs in!
She’s a designer made of win!
She’s Shirin!)

Irina also got praised by the judges but I was glad that she didn’t win, partly because she’s getting a little big for britches and partly because I wasn’t mad about her dress. Yeah, the color was nice, and yeah, she did the best job of incorporating elements of the original gown, but it still looked kind of MOB (that’s mother of the bride for those not up on Kors-speak).

The bottom 3 were Christopher, who made some sort of puffy “metallic garbage bag” that he felt defined himself as a designer (ruh-ro), Epperson, with his hideous Oktoberfest moment, and Logan, who created the least flattering pair of pants seen on TV since Urkel.

And it came down to Logan vs. Epperson. Hottie vs. Slowsky.

What would Project Runway do? Keep the gorgeous, but clearly less talented designer? Or keep the middle-aged man with a somnambulistic manner and no chance of a spin-off series?

Who am I trying to kid? Epperson never had a prayer.

And somewhere, Qristyl with a Q and an I and a Y is pointing and laughing.