Thursday, November 22, 2007

I Wish I Could Get the Joke: The ANTM recap

I’m going to keep this quick, because it’s Thanksgiving and people are snacking in the next room, which is basically torture for me. (You have to understand this about my family: when we are not eating, we are either talking about eating or having some sort of pre-meal snack.)

So. . . random thoughts on last nite’s episode.
I was absolutely thrilled when Heather went on a Shanghai shopping spree and didn’t take Bianca. I’ve gone back and forth when it comes to Bianca: Is she really a bitch? Or is she just playing one on TV? Well, I’ve decided that she is the real deal. Every single time somebody else gets a bad critique, there’s Bianca grinning with unmasked glee. And she has a way with an eviscerating putdown (“Lisa, if you go home, what are you going to do?”) always cloaked in a “who me? aren’t I cute?” coo.
So after the cruel little joke she and Saleisha played on Heather over the bed (yeah, Saleisha, you’re on my list now, too) I couldn’t have been happier when Heather won the Crouching Model challenge.
As Bianca had said earlier, “I don’t want to hang off buildings. I want to go shopping.”
And now here was the moment of truth. Heather wins the challenge, gets a shopping spree and picks. . . Chantal! Hooray! It's Chinese New Year in November! (Cut to adorable scene of "giants" Heather and Chantal being fawned over by the Chinese “little people” in the market).
Speaking of Chantal, if I was making a list, checking it twice, trying to find out who’s naughty or nice (sorry, they’ve been playing Christmas music at the mall), Chantal would totally be on my NICE list. She is really growing on me. Not only is she gorgeous, in an all-American, toothy, Christie Brinkley kind of way, but she’s, as my mom put it, “Sweet as sugar.” It was Chantal who came to Heather’s defense over bedgate. And it’s Chantal who has managed to stay above the fray this entire catty competition.
More thoughts . . .
Can Jaslene’s commercials actually be getting worse? Or was this one just particularly bad because she gushed over the translucence of her Cover Girl product while wearing enough caked on makeup to make Tammy Faye Baker blush.
Indeed, Jaslene is so godawful I’ve developed a new system for rating the girls’ Cover Girl commercials this week: BTJs (or Better Than Jaslenes.) Starting with the premise that all the commercials were BTJ, it was now simply a matter of grades of superiority. So, from 1 (the closest to Jaslene in suckitude) to 5 (the most superior to Jaslene, actually resembling the human voice in conversation) I will now rate the commercials:
Saleisha: 5 BTJs. (I thought this was damn good.)
Bianca: 3 BTJs. (Spoke in her natural voice. The problem: Her natural voice is irritating.)
Heather: 1 BTJ. (Deeply, troublingly bad. Although she does have a breathy delivery that might bode well for a career as a phone sex operator.)
Jeneh: 3 BTJs (Would’ve been best, if she hadn’t flubbed her lines.)
Chantal: 4 BTJs. (Spastic, cute and bubbly.)
Lisa: 1 BTJ. (Deer trapped in the headlights.)

Speaking of Cover Girl, oh how I laughed and laughed when Heather won CGOTW again. Kandie Lewis wrote: “Heather is a wonderful role model for young girls!” Was this before or after Heather went all Carrie in the shower? Ah, bless.

More thoughts. . .

I want Twiggy’s shirt.

Nigel and Bianca are drinking from the same bitch cup. (“She has no beauty from within,” he said of Jeneh. Later he noted of Bianca, “I’m not particularly impressed by her performance.” Even Miss J was looking at him sideways—that is if he/she can see sideways from behind that giant fro.)

Finally, shocking to see a bottom two of Lisa and Heather. Certainly two of the most beautiful girls of this—or any—season. But I sort of understood why. Heather’s disability is beginning to really affect her performance. It was just a matter of time, I suppose. And Lisa’s insecurities got the best of her. A shame. Because as they scanned her portfolio in the end, it had to be one of the most gorgeous ANTM portfolios I’ve ever seen. I mean, truly stunning.
Farewell sweet Lisa. Grow out your hair. Embrace your timeless beauty. And as Tyra would say: Never dull your shine.

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