These Are Not Flattering: The ANTM recap

Welcome to Tyra’s Video Ho bootcamp, where models learn to slink, crawl, and slide down a pole—er, I mean, a wall—but not in a slutty way.
Uh-huh.
Oh, how I loved those God-awful taupe colored body suits (“these are not flattering” Sarah remarked, in the understatement of the century) which actually gave a boost to my self-esteem: Wow, even models look like ass in a skin-colored body suit.
Naturally, Tyra was not wearing beige. She was wearing a black bodysuit, which, granted, I wouldn’t be caught dead in in public (or even, quite frankly, in the comfort and privacy of my own home), but still made her look better than her poor, camel-toe-sporting protégées.
I also loved how Tyra managed to mention that she appeared in videos by Lionel Richie and George Michael but neglected to mention her own craptastically wonderful stab at music stardom.
(Is it just me, or is Tyra snuggling with herself in the opening moments of this video? If so, this has to be the most honest moment ever committed to film.)
But props to Tyra for noting that Heather has a kind of Tim Burton, goth sex appeal. With her pale skin (I didn’t think she could get any paler . . . yikes, how wrong I was), lost girl eyes, and gangly limbs, Heather does sort of have a cool, Corpse Bride thing happening.
Indeed, you could’ve knocked me over with a feather when they picked Lisa as the featured girl in Enrique Iglesias’s video:
“We want that gothic look, that vampire look, so we pick. . .”—and just as I’m mechanically mouthing the word “Heather” at the screen, they come up with —“Lisa”?
But a few moments later order was restored in the universe when they added hastily, “OhyeahandHeatherisfeaturedtoo.”
Poor Bianca. It drives her completely insane that Heather is skating through the competition. Seriously, if the worst smack you can come up with is, “You’re so beautiful you don’t have to try”—you are losing touch with your Inner Bitch. (I truly believe that if Bianca knew that Heather owned Cover Girl of the Week, it would send the poor girl over the edge.)
I’m not even going to discuss the obvious editing anymore. There’s just no point. The girl who boasts about her unparalleled awesomeness learns a valuable lesson in humility and ends up in the Bottom Two. The first girl to talk in the episode gets sent packing. There it is. Mystery solved.
Oh? Heather’s fainting spell? A little alarming, but not too bad. After all, you’ve seen one dehydrated/frostbitten/malnourished model, you’ve seen them all.
As for Ambreal, I was so relieved that she bypassed the Bottom Two. Can you imagine: “Last week? When we eliminated you? Yeah, we meant it. Peace.”
Finally, poor Sarah. A model who had the temerity to actually get skinny. Sacre bleu! Oh well, I hope she gets over this experience and goes back to those carefree, madcap, size 6, pulling tissues out of her nose days. Don’t change, Sarah!